Dr. Craftenstein

Vyvyan & Cthulhu

2012-01-14T11:15:00.006-05:00

My brother's been asking for a Vyvyan denim vest forever. This year I decided to give it a whirl. I found the vest on ebay, got the studs from StudsandSpikes.com, powered through all my DVDs for screen shots, and made this:

That's my long-suffering husband modeling for me. Thanks, honey! My brother is bigger than my husband is, so it's a wee bit baggy. I hope it fits my brother. I know he received it, but he hasn't yet dispatched a missive from the bunker Re: Gift Satisfaction.

And if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, watch this:

Genius. I could watch that all day.

And the holiday season wouldn't be complete without an Elder God. Here was the scene before:

And when he stopped dreaming and decided to go for a walk:

I do believe that's the last of the Xmas gifts. And now it's 2012 and I still don't have my flying car or robot servant. What a load of crap.

How About Another Hobby?

2012-01-14T10:21:00.014-05:00

At Dragon*Con this past year I attended a beading workshop just out of curiosity, and was given the chance to make my very own ugly dangle earring. Luckily the earring wasn't the point; the technique was what I was after, because apparently I was in the market for YET ANOTHER HOBBY. I'm trying to remember what the hell happened next. I think I stumbled upon this beading loom on Amazon and ordered it, hoping to get it in time for the next craft group meeting. Which I didn't. But when I did finally get it, along with some terrible seed beads, I quickly began the stumbling, fumbling learning process. Which usually goes something like this:

1. decide potential new hobby looks totally awesome
2. dive in with cheap shitty tools because "these'll work"
3. output terrible shitty product and foist it on friends, hopefully in time for Xmas
4. also adopt Organizational System One for new hobby
5. splurge on more expensive quality tools and quickly realize why no one uses the cheap stuff
5a. also realize just how shitty original output was; feel shame
6. throw out cheap stuff, replace with new quality stuff
7. throw out Organizational System One and replace with Organizational System Two
8. see fulfillment of husband's motto: "It's not a hobby until you spend $200;" feel more shame
9. produce better quality product and give to friends as Xmas Gift Redo; apologize profusely
10. espy new exciting hobby possibility; return to Step One.

Just to clarify, I'm not hating on that loom. It's rad. I'm mostly hating on the really awful beads that I bought to go with it. I won't mention any names. (If they even had one.) But when I finally upgraded to the Toho Treasure Beads, I never went back.

So here's some stuff I made, just in time for Xmas:

The bracelet on the left is on the cover of the book "The Big Book of Beading Patterns: For Peyote Stitch, Square Stitch, Brick Stitch, and Loomwork Designs". I loved that bracelet and wore it everywhere until it disappeared somewhere in my house. (I also made the second from right with the star pattern but did not take a photo. Surprise.) The second bracelet in the photo is of course N.U.T.S.A.C. (awarded to Gaby for "Outstanding Achievement in Assclownery"), the third you might recognize as Domo, and the last one is also a pattern out of the book. That one and the N.U.T.S.A.C. bracelet were done on the loom, the other two were peyote stitch that I learned from the same book.

This was also done on the loom, from a border pattern I swiped off the ludicrously huge beaded lamp (!) project in the back of the same book:

Also done on the loom, this pattern is from the book but I changed it a bit to give the UFO more personality:

It's viewed like a filmstrip: starting at the bottom you see the house, then a UFO comes into frame, zaps the house, and leaves a smoking crater as it flies away. Here's a close up of it zapping the house:

So that's the new hobby. I also discovered that cross stitch patterns translate very well to the bead loom, so I'm working up some ideas from "Makato's Cross Stitch Super Collection!!" and I'm hoping for good things. Perhaps a Killamari.

Unsolicited Product Endorsement

2011-12-23T13:59:00.004-05:00

I've been calling this eraser The Trojan:

because it looks like little warrior helmets lined up there. Also because calling a little rubber thing a "Trojan" = Comedy Gold. Anyway I've had this thing over a decade, and I'm here to tell you it will erase anything off of anything. And look how much is left after.... I just did the math, I think we're going on 16 or 17 years here.... AND BARELY ANY IS GONE.

IT WILL ERASE ANYTHING.OFF OF ANYTHING.
I'M ONLY A LITTLE BIT EXAGGERATING. I'm here to tell you it is the Greatest Eraser Ever Invented. And every time I misplace it (a lot) I tear my hair out and destroy the house until I find it again because I have had no idea how to get another one. It's really hard to get information when the only thing you can put in google is "trojan," "rubber," and "white."

So last week the husband and I were at Office Depot. Caught up in the giddy whirlwind of markers and labels and adhesives and such (again, not exaggerating) I dorked, "Geez, I really wish I could find out where that damn Trojan came from." I turned around, and I'm not lying here, I swear on a stack of James Randi books, THERE IT WAS ON A HOOK RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!

SWEET HOME ALABAMA!! THE STAEDTLER! It has a name!! It's still being made! And bless its little heart, it's German. Leave it to the Germans to engineer the Greatest Eraser Ever Invented.

From the website:

You’ll be astounded ...
... by the erasing performance offered by our premium STAEDTLER Mars plastic product.
It removes graphite marks from paper, matt drafting film or overhead transparencies, virtually residue-free and with only minimal crumbling.

This ‘Made in Germany’ quality product is equipped with a slide sleeve for convenient handling. The eraser is highly impressive thanks to its extremely long service life and is both phthalate and latex-free.

Oh, you will be astounded. I implore you, get this product immediately. You will never need another eraser. Unless you lose it, so get the four-pack or you'll have night sweats like me when I can't find it.

Awesomely, as I'm freaking out and hopping up and down in the aisle making a scene, my husband remarks, "Well yeah, I could have told you that." I've been whining about this for 16 years -- you couldn't mention that you knew where I could get more? Thanks a pantload, Chet.

That's enough shilling for now. Merry Festivus and a Happy New Year!

Just Like Mom Used to Make

2011-11-26T14:32:00.004-05:00

Can you believe some folks don't like jellied cranberry sauce out of a can? Me neither!! Are you kidding? What's not to like?

I had the opportunity to be a part of the BZA's first Thanksgiving last year, and I made sure to have canned cranberry sauce for the occasion. I later commemorated the event with this painting, if you will recall:

Sometime back in April, a good friend of my sister-in-law happened to be viewing my terrible blog and saw this painting, and asked what my plans were for it. She said her father loves canned cranberry sauce in a major way and would probably really appreciate the painting. I told her if she paid the cross-country shipping she could have the damned thing. Seriously, my house is filled to the brim with this stuff. The deal was struck and off it went!

This morning I checked my email. Imagine my delight at finding a real live Action Shot of my painting enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with Dad!!

There's Dad, proudly hoisting this year's magnificent trophy. Hooray! This man and I are kindred spirits and I couldn't be more pleased.

Thanks for painting the wall the perfect background color, Dad. You went above and beyond.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!!

R.I.P. MACHO KING

2011-11-26T10:08:00.007-05:00

This one hurts.

When certain family members, who shall remain nameless, finally put us all out of our misery by having the courtesy to die, I clapped and cheered. For one member I did the Risky Business dance in my underwear. For others I have said, "Who?"

But when the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE died on May 20, 2011, the MACHO KING, BONESAW McGRAW, the MADNESS, the fringe-covered, Slim-Jim shilling, bazillion-time WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... well that one sucker punched me. I am sad beyond words. I still can't believe it. But I guess Macho Man burned so brightly that he had to cut out early.

Behold the burning:

I promise I'll stop after this one:

My heart is broken. Macho Man is irreplaceable.

So I was moved to commemorate Savage's Miami Ski Lodge wardrobe legacy with the following inadequate tribute:

The frame I chose was the most ornate I could find in funereal black; I didn't want any gold to detract from the gloriousness of his ensemble. Even he can't look directly at it:

My husband said, "That painting makes me happy. And sad." I was still more sad than happy, so I decided to dedicate my left thigh to the Macho Man, or more specifically, to a character he voiced on Dexter's Lab: RASSLOR!!

OH YEAH!!

We miss you, big guy. Thanks for everything.

Blast from the Past

2011-11-26T09:38:00.003-05:00

Ages ago I did a painting for a friend of my brother. Did I take a before photo? YES!

This is one of a pair of massive 2'x2' paintings that are more 80s than my Barbie Dreamhouse. If you'll recall, I turned the other one into this:

I stuck to the dinosaur theme on this other one, probably because it seemed logical since there was so much space to fill at the top. Did I take an after photo? NO! No, I did not.

Why do I have this block? Why is it so hard to remember to take photos? Why am I such a dumbass? I was ready to post two other paintings today, and I can't because I failed to take photos of both of them. Or I did take them and they are lost in the computer somewhere, but you and I both know that's probably not the case. I truly do not know how to solve this problem.

So I hounded my brother for a while until his inaction forced me to move on directly to the friend, who promptly sent over this murky shot from his phone:

Frankly this is about as good as I manage most days, and it's better than the photo that I failed to take, so I'm not complaining. But I really need to get my head out of my ass and take some damn photos.

I wonder if this is related to that time I dropped out of photography school.

Moral: I NEED TO GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS AND TAKE SOME DAMN PHOTOS. OVER & OUT

Gnome Sayin'?

2011-11-26T08:24:00.005-05:00

My friend Kay handed me a yard gnome and told me to go to work on it. He was a regular old yard gnome, dirty from being outside, with inset eyes and a gaping hole in his left foot due to something having broken off, possibly a shovel. (Ask me if I took a before photo. Go ahead, ask.) I stared and stared at this thing for months, trying to decide what to do with it. Then one day Kay's husband said "He needs a blood-soaked beard." That's when it occurred to me that this gnome was a raving psychopath.

I immediately popped his eyes out, grabbed my trusty can of Krylon black spray primer, and coated the little bastard. I decided the best approach was to go ahead and repaint him with commonly accepted "gnome colors," you know what I mean, and then cover the clothes with mud and gore as if he's been psychopathing really hard all day.

But now he had two gaping holes where his old "normal" eyes had been! Enter Tohickon Glass Eyes, a taxidermy company with the most cooperative search and order feature I have found yet. I chose 8mm eyes, dropped them in, and glued with E-6000. (There's no post or anything on the back of the eyes to hold them in, but the E-6000 should be fine.)

Here he is in all his psycho glory:

Oh and before I attached the eyes I coated him with two coats of poly varnish. Here's another view:

Let's talk about the shovel:

I needed to put something in the gaping hole to help him stand up, as the broken shovel or whatever was clearly load-bearing. I decided a brutally sharp metal shovel would be in order, so I went to the Salvation Army store and found a butt-ugly cheese slicer with a resin picnic basket attached to the handle (grapes and baguettes and everything - just really fucking hideous) which I smashed off to get to the metal slicer part. (Turns out I could have just worked around it, but whatever. I did the world a favor.) I used my Dremel to shape it into a shovel and file down the edges so it wouldn't kill anyone (at least not accidentally...) and then I stuffed the hole in the foot with black Crayola Model Magic air-dry clay and stuck the shovel into that. I really wasn't sure this plan would work, but it went pretty well:

This shot is kind of dark, but I mostly just shaped it into the sole of the shoe and the top of the shovel (which you can see better in the top photo). After it dried I painted it to match, and I think it turned out well. Also that piece sticking out of the back of the foot is some plastic covered wire, which the contractors that rebuilt our fence helpfully left lying all over our back yard, and which I used during the painting process just to prop him up. (You can see that better in the second photo from the top.) But it worked so well and stayed in so firmly that I decided to color it black with a sharpie and leave it in there. I'm not sure the air-dry clay would be sturdy enough to support him, so it's just extra precaution.

This project was a success in that I found a fantastic supplier of freaky eyes, and also because I signed up for the free WASCO taxidermy catalog which I highly recommend. HIGHLY. It's dense, too -- I'm only about halfway through it. And I'm totally using it to write my Xmas list for Santa.

BZA Birfday

2011-11-26T07:55:00.006-05:00

Let's see if I can get caught up. The last post was right before the BZA's first birthday. I decided to cross stitch a David Bowie back panel for a wee denim jacket. I specifically like the weird high-contrast makeup in the Blue Jean video:

But how does one get a cross stitch pattern for this? It turns out if you upload a photo to Picture Craftwork and pay them $7 via PayPal, they'll do it for you! (That's how I did the Orlando Bloom postcard too. Shame on me for not mentioning that before.)

Here's how it turned out:

And then I got a rad little jacket from Baby Gap, folded the edges of the piece over, attached it with fabric glue, and then stitched around the sides with my sewing machine:

And here it is in action:

YAY! It works! I love to put time and effort into a project for someone I love that really deserves something special.

Which is why the BFF, who is an asshat, got this:

That took like half an hour.

Killamari...If You Will

2011-09-10T12:57:00.007-04:00

I mentioned I have taken up cross-stitching, yes? Well I found what I believe to be the only cross-stitch book I will ever need: Makato's Cross-Stitch Super Collection!

I can attest that it is Not Lame! It's Very Cool! Of course Mr. Oozu follows fiber-art book Standard Protocol by providing a cross-stitch lesson and some tips, and adds ways to cross-stitch on some things you didn't know could be cross-stitched on. But mostly it's packed with a whole bunch of tiny rad patterns for things like robots, dinosaurs, skeletons, this swordfish I keep forgetting to make, all kinds of dope little stuff. I wish all books were this awesome.

The patterns are quick to stitch up, and are easily adapted if you need a color substitution. And it turns out you can combine them to create a hideous affront to God:

THE HORROR!! Dear SyFy Channel: I know what you're thinking. And you really do owe me for the countless hours I've wasted watching your terrible shitty movies. But this is not a Sharktopus -- it's a KILLAMARI!!...if you will.

I buy those tiny frames at the craft store for a couple of bucks and keep them around so I can whip up a quick gift. That weird lump on the left side of the frame is where I took out the hook and screwed it into what I decided was the top. Not attractive, but neither is DEATH BY KILLAMARI!! And if anybody has a suggestion on how to put the damn frame on in the first try, or even the third try, I'd like to hear it.

I also typed "AC/DC font" into google so I could make this for my friend who I hope doesn't actually read my blog because I haven't given it to her yet:

Kay, if you're watching, act surprised.

The BZA's 1st birthday is coming up and I've got something in the hopper right now which, with any luck, will also be an affront to God. Fingers crossed!

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap 4!

2011-08-27T10:07:00.010-04:00

Well I kind of forgot to mention the Swap this time. Oops. The theme this time was "bloom." Here's what I received:

Frankie in Nottinghamshire (Royal Mail is the best) says the fabric is hand dyed, then stamped, then machine embroidered, then hand embroidered. It's beautiful, and way more work than I put into this abomination:

Can you believe this thing? Hey Julia, I HOPE YOU LIKE ORLANDO BLOOM. A LOT. Yeah, so I recently took up cross stitching. So there's that. Here's the back:

My last Swap postcard never did show up on the flickr group. So I figure she either didn't receive it or was so disappointed that she torched it and swore to never sign up for another Swap. I have a feeling this one might also get "lost in the mail." I wouldn't blame her one bit.

I dedicate this postcard to my hero, Daffy Duck, who taught me to always look out for Number One. Bless you, Daffy.

Squid Box

2011-06-25T06:53:00.004-04:00

Here's the second High School Musical hat box:

And here's my shit-eating Better Homes & Gardens shot of both together:

Look how murky! I live in a cave.

"I Don't Do 'A' Material For Charity." -- Krusty the Klown

2011-06-25T06:27:00.006-04:00

Oh Krusty! You cad.

Lately I have donated several pieces of my terrible shit "art" to raise money for charitable causes. The first was to raise money for a coworker's sister's kidney transplant. Apparently she gets to live if she can raise $10K. I donated the following two paintings that I had lying around the house:

I don't think they sold because after the sale one of the ladies cheerfully told me, "And the stuff we DIDN'T sell will go into the next yard sale!" So that's comforting. I hope they at least generate the $20 each I spent getting them framed. In case you're wondering, yeah, that's the Hoff. Who wouldn't want that??

The second charity event is an auction being held because a friend of a friend moved home to help out his terminally ill mother and then died in a motorcycle accident. Money was raised to cover his funeral expenses, and this round of fundraising is to help his mom pay her bills. I am donating the following three ceramic pieces:

That last shot is terrible. It's 2" high so I had to use the stupid macro setting. Look at the detail in the muslin. Sure, that's what I wanted in focus.

The auction is here on Facebook: James McNish Memorial Benefit and bidding starts Monday the 27th. Go buy some stuff.

I would like to say I do 'A' material for charity, except I hardly do 'A' material at all. Maybe B-. You be the judge.

BFF Means FOREVER.

2011-05-19T09:07:00.004-04:00

Each year I like to make the BFF's birthday more magical than the last. Sometimes he actually provides the opportunity through the blessing of Drunken Texting. He may actually have been sober when he texted these old song lyrics to me, but there's no way he was sober when he wrote them. I kept them in my phone and, when the time was right (the Birthday time!), I took paint to cheap shitty canvas panel and let the glory spew forth:

I wrote the words on with Sharpie because there was a lot of text to get through and painting would have been very sloppy. Also it turns out we're dealing with two different songs, but it came through in the text as one giant ramble so I assumed it was all the same song. The BFF assures me it is much better this way.

And here he is receiving it:

I made him wear rubber gloves because it is fine art and I didn't want his greasy mitts to ruin it. He's not to be trusted. Happy Birthday, BFF!!

I did find time to make one other birthday special; my friend's nickname is KC/DC, so I decided to wrap her present in a special KC/DC box:

See how shiny it is? That's when I realized I hadn't grabbed the can of spray primer, I was actually using spray paint. Oops. So I just kept going with the black, then masked out the KC/DC with the shelf paper I use for etching, and spray painted that yellow. After that was done I did a couple of coats of spray varnish and called it a day. It wouldn't look as spotty if it had been primer, but it also wouldn't have been as Rock'N'Roll!!! Right? Am I right? Meh.

Happy Birthday to everyone!

Quite Literally the Mouth of Madness

2011-05-19T08:59:00.005-04:00

A friend of mine with a fiendishly keen eye spotted this abomination sitting in a garbage pile in her neighborhood. Of course she thought of me when she saw it. And of course I framed it and hung it in my kitchen:

Double you. Tee. Eff. Seriously, I was only like mildly unnerved by clowns before. YEESH. I sort of hope that by possessing this talisman I will ward off any future clown attacks, sort of like holding up the Evil Eye. I suppose only time will tell.

Mount ATHF + HSM

2011-05-19T08:36:00.006-04:00

This request started off as Elvira. Somehow we came around to Meatwad, then all three foodstuffs, then the carving needed a fourth so that's how Carl ended up there. But don't tell him that.

It's way lighter than that IRL, and I attempted to fix it, but I had about six different fights with flickr, the Mac, and the relationship between the two, somehow deleted the only good shot, etc. etc. and here we are. Screw it.

Once upon a time I found these horrible High School Musical hatboxes at TJ Maxx for like $2. They're huge, so I decided to get two of them and just sit on them a while.

I sprayed them with black primer (before I took the picture, natch, so only the lid is unpainted here) and this is what I painted on the first one:

Also I swapped out the yellow nylon string with some thin rope that I got at Michael's.

I'm sure I've complained before about the state of Michael's and how it's such a disorganized mess in there that I'm surprised they don't sell livestock. But for a year I've been going to a gym that shares a strip mall with one, and in the interest of convenience they finally wore me down. It's still a hot mess, but I'm able to navigate it a little better and I'm saving gas.

Anyhoo, that's the first hat box and I've started working on the second one. Let's just say I'm sticking to the theme.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap 3 - Continued

2011-04-07T09:13:00.003-04:00

CLICK ME
Here's what I received from Australia!!

Look at this beautiful quilted postcard. The background fabric is designed to look like notebook paper and the trees and flowers are quilted on. I know absolutely nothing about quilting, so you won't get any fancy terminology out of me. All I know is it's gorgeous. And has a ladybug button on it!!

But not only did I get that gorgeous quilted postcard, I got loot too!

A lovely fabric swatch covered in Australian fauna (that paper koala is the tag), a keychain shaped like Australia with kangaroos on it, and a beautiful explanatory notecard from the delightful Hilary. I scored this time. Yay!

Here's what one Canadian lass may or may not have scored, since I have yet to hear anything:

Ooh...whatever could this be?

(As you may have guessed, once again I blew the whole "stitch" part of the project by painting on balsa wood and had to salvage at the end by knitting an envelope. I'm not sure I'm qualified for these projects.) So intriguing....

Aaaaand Captain Bringdown strikes again. That's right, love is a disease and should be avoided at all cost. The End.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap 3!

2011-02-24T13:10:00.004-05:00

Once again I'm participating in the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap! This is the third one and the theme is love:

CLICK ME
I'd better get busy thinking up ideas. I'm not good at these abstract themes. I hope the next theme is Armageddon because I can get behind that one.

I'm Not Titling This For Fear He Will Find It In A Search

2011-01-27T10:33:00.004-05:00

I had a request to turn Fenriz into a zombie, and the only special instruction was that he be wearing aviator sunglasses. Which is kind of a shame, because look at these eyebags:

Oh well, maybe next time. So here he is in all his post-apocalyptic glory:

I have a new complaint about my photos to add to the list. Apparently in the last month or so iPhoto went all weird on me. None of the regular settings were there (I have since found them - or, more accurately, made the husband find them) so I didn't bother correcting this one or the last batch. I figured, screw it, they always look terrible anyway. At least his hair is bouncy and shiny.

Post Xmas Roundup

2011-01-27T10:17:00.005-05:00

My mother is in love with Barnabas Collins:

A friend really digs Zappa:

I really dig canned cranberry sauce:

Wouldn't be Xmas without a car wreck:

...and demon cherubs:

And I made this for Zeppo & Lori's new venture, Third Half Studios:

Wow, that might be the fastest Post Xmas Roundup ever! Special thanks to Flickr and Blogger for not being asshats today. Bravo!

Night of the Rip-Offs

2010-11-27T11:50:00.004-05:00

I saw an ad for the Night of the Demons remake DVD, and the photograph of the featured demon was so painterly that I couldn't resist. I have no interest in seeing this remake, and I am sick of remakes, but the demon was great looking. I hate my camera and my dark house, blah blah, here it is:

I shot this in the super dark guest room because it's hanging on the wall and it's really heavy and I didn't feel like lugging it back downstairs. Actually it probably looks better blurry.

Remember this guy?

He got tired of hosting kids' parties and decided to join the Insane Clown Posse.

I have no idea how piggy banks work. It's an insolvable mystery on par with magnets. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this video:

You'll be glad you did.

This bank is my brother's Xmas gift. By now he's expecting this sort of thing from me. I wouldn't want to disappoint him by actually purchasing a gift. That wouldn't be in the spirit of the season, would it? I don't think so.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap II -- Continued

2010-11-27T11:27:00.005-05:00

To recap, the theme this time is "Home." Here's what I received:

I love the insane scribbles and liberal use of duct tape. A woman after my own heart! There is embroidery on the candies. I put it on a shelf in my art studio. Here's what I sent:

A truly accurate representation of my house. Also I totally forgot about the required "stitch" part until the end, so I braided up some cord and made a handle real quick. Oops.

Yay postcard swap! I hope she receives it.

I'm So in Demand

2010-10-21T09:19:00.002-04:00

My nephew actually insisted that I do a painting for him. He's...what is he, 16 maybe? And by now you're aware of my usual subject matter. So is he. But my sister's not so much with the humor of it, so I took a minute to decide what would get me in the least amount of trouble. Finally I decided on UFOs in Paris:

At least I think it's Paris. Doesn't that look like l'Arc de Triomphe? Except I didn't think there were so many buildings that close to it. But that's easy enough to fix:

Problem solved.

Commemorative Paintings

2010-10-21T08:40:00.011-04:00

Some events in life are so resplendent that they must be commemorated. One of these glorious occasions was the birth of my good friends' baby. She is in the Wu Tang Clan and her name is Tha BZA. Tha BZA's birth was so momentous that none other than Run DMC came to witness the miracle:

(As you can tell by the gold ribbon, I was literally on my way out the door when I remembered to take the photo. I consider this progress.) But that Holiest of Events paled in comparison with Sharktopus. Anybody else seen this turd?

God bless the SyFy channel. I first commemorated it with the Etch-A-Sketch app on my phone:

But that just didn't do it justice. Luckily I found the perfect seascape in my pile of Goodwill paintings, and Sharktopus made himself at home:

I must warn you -- no matter how magical Sharktopus seems, the movie is nigh unwatchable. But if you've ever seen a SyFy "Original" before, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

But I'll tell you what is watchable, no pun intended: "Ghostwatch." Stealing this from Wikipedia - "Ghostwatch is a British horror-mockumentary television movie that was broadcast on BBC1 on 31 October (Halloween) 1992. Despite having been recorded weeks in advance, the narrative was presented as 'live' television. Due to the furore that followed its first and only UK television broadcast, the film is now widely regarded as being one of the most controversial British television events in recent years." It basically did a "War of the Worlds" on folks and everyone had to be fired. You can watch the whole thing on Youtube in 9 or 10 parts. I say 9 or 10 because for some reason, maybe to extend the joke, Part 9 comes up with an error and you have to skip to the one called 9/10 to finish it. I love "Ghostwatch" and I think it was really ahead of its time. Also I love massive-scale pranks.

One of my favorite details in "Ghostwatch" is the hilarious painting of a sheet-wearing ghost over the mantel in the television studio. If I had any skillz at all I would screen-cap it here, but I don't. Anyway I loved it so much I decided to make my own:

Maybe we need a new monitor at home. I swear these shots look really dark, then I correct them, and then they're too light. Anyway this dude came out creepier than the one in "Ghostwatch," but that's okay.

So now I guess I'm developing a habit of painting shit I see on television. This can't end well.

Robots and Aliens or Whatever

2010-10-21T08:25:00.003-04:00

I found these things at Michael's. They came in a set of six, but then I found one of the robots loose, so I got him too. I don't know what they're made of but they feel like chalk and I'm not sure how long they're going to last. But I primed and painted them anyway, and then coated them with varnish:

Awww! They're buddies!! Here's the aliens or whatever:

Awww! They're buddies too!! There are two others that I haven't painted yet, but they're primed and ready to go, sitting on the pile of other junk that's primed and ready to go. I suppose I'll get to them eventually.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap II!!

2010-10-20T12:37:00.005-04:00

She's doing it again! The theme this time is "Home." I need to get my brain in gear for this because right now it's stuck on Halloween and Fangoria. Not sure if I can get "home" out of that.

Teen Idol Fever

2010-07-17T11:19:00.004-04:00

So my 8-year-old niece is totally obsessed with the Jonas Brothers. Or at least she was last Xmas, who knows what she's moved onto in the last 7 months. She's pretty fickle. Anyhoo, I found this little box in the thrift store:

Then I went to the store and purchased BOP! magazine. When I used to get BOP! it was filled with Duran Duran, Adam Ant, Madonna, all the 80s staples. Now it's absolutely jam packed with children. And surveys. "Which tarted up 10-year-old TV Star are you??????" "Which of the 17 Jonas Brothers will you marry?????" "EAT PIZZA?? WHICH PIZZA???" "THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA!!!!" Every single page is migraine-inducing. God I'm old.

In the name of crafting I put on my sunglasses, unlocked my jaw, and soldiered through, ferreting out the Jonii and clipping them free from their neon hell. I spray painted the box gold, let it dry, and decoupaged the lads to the box. After some spray varnish I decided the Jonii looked lonely and scared without all that bright loud shit closing in on them, so I glued some Bedazzler gems on -- because what 8-year-old girl doesn't like sparkle??? -- and then made it worse with squiggles and hearts from a Sharpie. I hammered in some gold studs from the Bedazzler as tiny feet for the box, and here it is in all its hideous glory:

Don't ask me to name them because I have no idea. But I did learn that those "in the know" call them "the Jo Bros!"

I figure "Jo Bro" is the singular form. I'm probably wrong. Top:

And bottom:

See? I told you -- they LOVE PIZZA!! OH MY GOD THEY LOVE IT SO MUCH. The good news is that Sierra loved the box, but I gave her the decimated carcass of BOP! and I think she loved that more. And then I got the okay from her mom to get her a subscription, and apparently she loves that MORE. More than THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA EVEN?? WAIT UNTIL NEXT ISSUE TO FIND OUT!!!

I need a drink.

KISS vs the Craftenstein in the Park

2010-07-17T11:03:00.005-04:00

I was asked to paint Paul Stanley as a zombie, with the only stipulation being "lots of chest hair." Don't be crazy - it wouldn't be Paul Stanley without a ton of chest hair!

You'll note that the undead transformation has not affected his fashion sense. Who could say no to this face?

This is one of the rare times that I actually went out and bought a blank canvas panel instead of altering an existing painting. The canvas panel in the frame was so old and moldy and warped that it wasn't worth saving, but the frame was fine, so I used it for this project and started from scratch.

If Gene Simmons is reading this, he can rest assured I am giving this as a gift and am not selling it for profit. Please don't sue me. Also I am broke so just forget it. Thanks.

Revenge Art

2010-06-30T12:55:00.004-04:00

My friend and coworker Patti is so supportive regarding my terrible shit artwork. She reads this blog and comments on my retardo escapades, and even contributed this lovely piece to the effort:

It hangs over my craft area at home and I just love it. Sparkly eyes!!

When I found this painting I decided it would be a perfect thank you/punishment for all of her positive support over the years. Guess which part I added:

If you guessed this:

...give yourself a pat on the back. Can you believe that bush overhanging the border? And the birch trees sticking out the top? HAHAHA! Absolutely ridiculous.

I hope Patti has learned her lesson. Though truly the joke is on me right now because it's hanging in her cubicle and I have to see that bullshit every time I walk past. Well played, Patti. Well played. ;)

Postcard Round Up

2010-06-30T12:39:00.006-04:00

Here's the postcard I received from the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap:
All of the lines are machine stitched. Isn't it lovely? And it comes with tea! Royal Mail is the best. Thank you! Here's the ones I sent:

The theme was "time" and I'm no good with vague themes so I sent both of my weak interpretations. It is my fervent hope that these postcards look better in person than they do in these terrible shots. I decoupaged the images and then sprayed clear coat on them, so the reflections were unavoidable. At any rate I'm sure my recipient will never participate in this event again.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap

2010-06-02T12:22:00.004-04:00

I just found out about this and signed up. I hope it's not too late:

(Hopefully I've made that photo a link to the page.) This sounds like a lot of fun. I usually like to have more parameters because abstract concepts make me nervous, but I'm gonna give it a shot because it's postcard size and maybe I won't get night sweats. Hurry because today is the last day to sign up! I'll post my terrible contribution on my page and also here when I get it hammered out . And these are the other contributors.

Pig Butcher

2010-05-31T08:04:00.004-04:00

This guy started off as a blank white unvarnished ceramic pig-chef with holes in his hands presumably for holding wooden spoons or something in the kitchen. It seemed bizarre and frightening as is, but I decided to take it further.

That's his tail back there. The whole idea is just weird. Anyway, once he was all blood spattered it was time for some tools. I found a strange little spike at the Salvation Army, along with a couple of cheese knives that I Frankensteined together to make a cleaver. The Frankensteined cleaver still kind of looked like a safe, cute cheese knife, so I went at it with the dremel and then covered it with blood:

I made his face runny so he's less Friendly Corner Butcher and more Texas Chainsaw Massacre:

Love the Krylon black primer and love the poly varnish. Whatever crap you slap down in between them comes off looking ten times better than it would otherwise.

I've got some magic happening on the easel right now. It's another request and it's breaking new ground in stupidity. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Go Beavers

2010-05-31T07:55:00.005-04:00

I like to make the BFF's birthday special every year, because he is a very special person. And by special I mean "special." You know what I mean. So I made this for him:

He's crazy for Teen Wolf. And by crazy I mean "crazy." You know what I mean.

Then I had a request for a painting of Harry Dean Stanton. I thought this would be a good challenge and a nice break from my usual asshattery. I came up with this:

The BFF says it looks like Fredo Corleone. But that's why he gets shit like Teen Wolf.

GRANDMAAAA!!

2010-04-04T15:16:00.002-04:00

Sometimes a "before" painting is so bad there is just no saving it. To wit:

What in the hell is this supposed to be? Potatoes? My best guess was a Totoro retirement community, but ultimately I just didn't want to put that much effort into it. So I finally just re-gessoed the whole thing and did this:

King Diamond's awesomeness is so great that any attempt to capture it results in something resembling a poor man's Metalocalypse. And I think we all know that would be a very, very poor man indeed.

Three Project Pile-Up

2010-03-06T09:08:00.012-05:00

I finally got some shots of Gaby's Xmas present:

Ain't he a little minx?

Here's an old one I failed to take a picture of, before and after:

Seriously, these photos are terrible. Our house is so fucking dark, like a cave, which is how we like it usually. But it sure sucks for taking photos. Anyhoo, there's a pair of demons in the Necronomicon that I named them after and I can't remember right now who they are. Can you tell I've had like 12 hours of sleep this week? I just really want to put these up before I forget again. And there's still one more I can't post because it hasn't been delivered yet. It's March, so the Xmas present delivery is right on schedule.

This Xmas my boss gave us our gifts in blank tins that he says he got at the Container Store. I've been holding onto mine while trying to decide how to mutilate it. Pretty much the only choice for a tin is spraypaint, so I decided to make a stencil. Who's the world's greatest philosopher/mathematician/social critic, living or dead? That's right, Bertrand Russell. So I Google-imaged my favorite shot of him:

and then had my husband put it in Photoshop and blow out all the contrast. I traced it onto the clear shelf paper I use for etching, affixed it to the lid, cut it out with an X-Acto, and then did about three coats each of black spraypaint and clear varnish. I peeled off the mask and lookie what we got:

I was pretty pleased with how that turned out, so I opened up my most excellent Bertrand Russell Quote App and started searching. I quickly found one that encapsulates my entire world theory (he's good like that), sketched it out on the shelf paper with my handy template, slapped it on, cut it out, and spray painted it. This didn't work as well and a good bit of the painted letters peeled off. Also there are lines where the paint leaked under the blue painting tape I used as a mask between words. In a bid to salvage the quote, I repaired some of the letters with sharpie. "I'm a genius!" I thought to myself. "This will work perfectly!!" Unfortunately, as soon as the spray varnish hit the sharpie, it ran like a bitch and made a huge mess. It was too late to turn back, so I just let it dry and did two more coats of varnish. Here it is:

The quote reads, "The secret to happiness is to face the fact that the world is horrible." Take a gander at the "u" in "Russell." Yep, that's what you get when you hit sharpie with spray varnish. As you can tell from the direction of the smear, I had the tin upside down on a stick so I could spray the whole thing at once and not have to turn it. All in all I figure it could have been worse.

And I think, were Mr. Russell alive today, this tribute would mean more to him than his Nobel Prize in Literature. In fact, I'm positive.

Head-Shelf Celebrities

2010-02-02T14:19:00.007-05:00

Thrift stores are filled with stupid little ceramic shelves with bases made of cherubs surrounded by vines or roses or some other foofy shit. This trend must have completely slipped past me because I've never seen them in anyone's home, possibly due to the fact that they are heavy and inconveniently sized and always seem about five seconds away from ripping the nail out of the wall and crashing to the floor. Which would really be for the best.

I've been actively ignoring this crap for some time. But I finally found one that intrigued me and seemed to have potential. It was intriguing because it looked like Tiny Tim but was tarted up like a cheap whore, complete with rosy cheeks, pastel eye shadow and brazen lipstick. My failure to take a before photo sickens me, mostly because I was driving home repeating, "Self? Make sure you take a before photo of the Tiny Tim Whore Head-Shelf." Instead I immediately sprayed it with Krylon black primer.

Yeah, that photo is terrible. Here's what I did to it:

Now it's Undead Tiny Tim. Seriously, what would you put on one of these? A candle? When it falls to the ground it will burn your house down. A snow globe? It already weighs a ton. These things make no sense to me.

Want to see what else doesn't make sense?

Why does this thing look exactly like Thora Birch? Behold:

Seriously, does anyone know Thora Birch? Because I would totally send this to her. I might come off like some twisted stalker, but if there was a head-shelf that looked like you, wouldn't you want to know about it? I can't really alter this one because I would be turning Thora Birch into a zombie. So I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Right now I'm concentrating my efforts on removing some gross green gunk from the top, probably used to unsuccessfully affix a snow globe or candle:

Ms. Birch? It's yours if you want it. Holla. (Love your work!)

Post Xmas Roundup: Non-Xmas Edition

2010-01-31T17:50:00.003-05:00

In the middle of the Xmas rush, it apparently seemed like a good idea to do a bunch of extra shit that wasn't on the list. Some of it wasn't time consuming, such as the day I discovered Krylon "Short Cuts" in fluorescent colors:

Come on, you knew I had to eventually do a Hot Pink Jesus. Other stuff was more involved. Here's a before shot:

And after:

This was conceived as a potential brother present.

Here's one I just finished a couple of days ago. Before and After:

Awwww, baby vampire cherubs! And they appear to be musical prodigies!! AWWWWWW!!

And lastly, here's something I found in Goodwill that's already so horrifying that I couldn't possibly improve upon it:

Seriously, this is the very embodiment of "can't sleep, clown will eat me." Couldn't make it any worse.

I've got something varnishing right now, but if I post it I won't be back until like August. So that's it for now!

Post Xmas Roundup: Ceramics Edition

2010-01-31T17:01:00.010-05:00

The parade of idiocy continues:

1. I wrapped Gaby's gift without taking a photo of it, then refused to open it because it was the last of my NASCAR wrapping paper. Photo to come.

2. As usual I randomly took photos, so some exist and some don't. The ones that exist are sometimes really shitty, which I think is a combination of misjudging the light in my sunroom and being in a hurry to wrap stuff for Xmas. Thank Cthulhu for the correction tools in iPhoto, however unlike the mighty Cthulhu they are not all-powerful.

3. There's at least one gift that hasn't been delivered yet, so that one has to wait.

On with the clownboatery. Shockingly, this one actually has a before photo. Here's how she looked at the Goodwill:

Ain't that a purty mouth? Seriously, what were they thinking with this? Don't worry, I fixed it:

In this close up you can see that at some point her head had snapped off and they reattached it. I decided to add the stitches instead of pretending it wasn't there. Also, have I mentioned how much I love the Krylon black primer? Have I? Have I mentioned that?

Next up, this is what I gave to my brother that got the painting in the last post. I would skip the before photo, but I didn't take one. *SHOCK*

Apparently my sister can't even look at this. HAAHAHAHA!!! I guess she won't be receiving any of my "art." Luckily my brothers are as fucking sick as I am, so here's what the other one got:

Man, I thought I had a closer shot of that one. It was probably too dark and useless. That sucks. Also I should mention that I started painting this about three days before I discovered the Krylon black primer, so that's why it's flatter and not as shaded.

Here's the last Xmas one. Before:

After:

This one is a little different. I accidentally put too much red on the mouth, and at the angle I was holding it I got an optical illusion that the mouth was missing. So I decided to make it even worse by carving out the bottom lip with my block cutting tools. It's sort of chalky so it wasn't hard. That made it look raw and alien-like, so I slapped a bunch of paint on it to make the mouth look more gruesome. Unfortunately in this shot it totally looks like that bottom lip is still there, which is odd. Here's another angle:

And here's an accidentally artsy-fartsy one:

Oh, as a teaser, here's Gaby's "before" present:

Isn't he saucy? Tee hee! I should have an "after" shot soon. Next up, some non-Xmas-related projects that happened. You know, if I took photos.

Post Xmas Roundup: Paintings Edition

2010-01-31T16:49:00.006-05:00

Tons of Xmas stuff to post, now that it's been delivered. In the interest of saving both space and my sanity in battling with this interface, I'll just post the "afters." And anyway I never shot a before of the second one. But we're all used to that.

First up a painting for my brother. You can guess which part I added:

If you guessed this, you were correct:

Here's one I did for some friends that are less twisted than my brother:

Who loves frolicking yetis??

Awwww!!! I'm going to leave it at that for now and do the ceramics in another post. Happy New Year!

Seriously? June?

2009-11-20T12:57:00.017-05:00

Sorry about that. Let me see if I can catch up.

I bought this at the Goodwill (for $4.99, as you can see). It's kind of weird in that the whole thing is ceramic but it's made to look like the bust is mounted in a frame.
The previous owner tried to slap some paint on the "frame" in a shitty fashion, but the rest of it was pretty much primed and ready. So I did this to it:
I forgot to measure it but it's probably 5" across and 7" high. And heavy as hell. Seriously, who's idea was this? What a bizarre little item. Anyhoo, it looks way better now.

Here's another abomination, direct from the 80s:It's roughly 2 1/2 feet (almost) square, and if that's not giving you nightmares, imagine two of them. That's right, it has a buddy. But I will spare you that one for now because I didn't put the images in flickr yet. So I decided to do a dinosaur for my friends' brand new son Wyatt:Awwwww....look at that little face!I tried to give him a nice mohawk with his head plates.

I'm working on some stuff for Xmas that will probably have to remain secret, but there are a couple of things still lodged in the camera that I will get up here soon. I PROMISE. Also while I was gone Flickr and Blogger both conspired to make it a whole lot damn harder to post photos. Sure wish they hadn't done that.

Snow White Samara

2009-06-18T08:07:00.005-04:00

The woman at the Goodwill told me this is Snow White:

She said there were seven dwarves and someone bought all of those. I was quite displeased that I missed out on the chance to horribly alter a bunch of dwarves, but I bought her anyway. She's ceramic and appears to have been in someone's yard, as her hollow insides contained potting soil and spider webs before I cleaned her up.

I'm still making the most of that Krylon white primer I found in my garage. It is the greatest discovery I have ever made -- this shit is the bomb. Great coverage and a nice powdery matte finish. I was so excited that I ran to Home Depot and bought three more cans just so I'm never out of it again.

After the primer I painted her up with acrylic to look dead and waterlogged sort of like the Japanese girl-ghosts that are All The Rage, with a wet muddy hemline and a gray wash over her face. Three coats of poly and here she is:

Everyone asks what I'm going to put in her lap there where she's holding up her apron. The problem is that it slopes, so anything I put there falls right out and I would have to glue it on for it to stay. I can't think of anything good enough to commit to right now, and I think it's kind of creepier that there's nothing in it, so I'm leaving it for now.

I'm still working on the log cabin blanket made from all my leftover acrylic yarn, and it gets more hideous by the day. I'm also in the middle of a painting for a friend of my brother and I'll get that up here when I finish. Today I was pleased to find actual "before" photos of it in flickr. Yay me!

Xmas in March

2009-04-16T07:38:00.004-04:00

The problem with not being able to give Zeppo her Xmas present until March is that I have to hide the photos and not post anything on here that she might see. On top of that my memory is shit, so it took me weeks to find the photos.

Anyway, I found an old breadbox at the Goodwill and sanded it down in order to do this to it (with apologies to Sailor Jerry):

Here's a close up of the knob:

Awww! It's a tiny dagger!

I think that's it for leftover projects. I'll try to stay more on top of this thing so I don't have another 6 month gap, but I'm not promising anything. As my friend Wilson says, I can't promise I'll try, but I promise I'll try to try.

Two More Updates

2009-04-13T17:07:00.001-04:00

First, here is the brown log cabin blanket I gave my friend because she made the mistake of admiring it:

I am now working on what may be my final log cabin blanket. I'm using every single leftover ball of Cheap'N'Shitty acrylic yarn I have in the stash, and I've gotten so tired of these blankets that I'm not even bothering to change colors when I start a new 10 row stripe. This thing is an affront to God.

Speaking of affronts to God, remember Zahgurim?

I gave him to my friend for his band practice space. Update: Zahgurim quite literally broke up the band. I am not making this up. Turns out the drummer was secretly religious (incidentally, this is a death metal band...) and he decided he didn't like my demon even one little bit. He threw it across the room breaking off the skull (no biggie, I gave my friend some E6000 to repair it with) and my two friends in the band laid into the guy. Band Over. I apologized for inadvertently Yoko-ing the shit out of their band, but they say it was about time that guy left anyway.

My artwork has scary powers, folks. I've decided to give Frankenstein Jr. to my tattoo guy but I'm kind of afraid his shop will fold. Wish me luck.

Don't Call it a Comeback

2009-04-09T08:21:00.002-04:00

As Lori helpfully pointed out, it's been a while since I posted anything. I was going to try to justify it by saying how busy I've been, but there's really no excuse for not posting anything since SEPTEMBER. So let's backtrack by starting with what I just finished two days ago.

Here's what he looked like when I found him at the junk store:

And here's what I did to him:

Here's a close up of his face:

I found this great can of spray primer in my garage and used it liberally after some light sanding. Then I painted him with regular old acrylic paint and two coats of poly. Also I rammed some nails into his neck for "realism." Beauty is pain, little man.

I don't think I've posted this painting yet. It started off like this:

It ended up like this:

This is a small painting, only 9 1/2 x 7 1/2 inches, so I don't know if you can tell, but that poor man hung himself from the tree. I tried to talk him out of it.

I'm tearing up my Flickr account looking for photos of the bread box I gave Zeppo for Xmas. I'm very distressed to find that I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY. Sweet shit, I cannot be trusted to do ANYTHING. I'm going to look for photos at home, which I probably do not have, and then I will demand that she give it back temporarily so I can shoot it. In the meantime, here's a photo of the baby head I have mounted on one of my cymbals:

You will of course recognize Damien from his distinctive "666" birthmark.

I'll be back later when I've rounded up more photos. If that's okay with Lori.

Puke Blanket

2008-09-18T12:13:00.001-04:00

Oh wait, I DID take photos of the Puke Blanket! I was just hiding them in case Zeppo stumbled across my Flickr account before I could hand it over.

How pukey is this:

(That's a regular 12-inch ruler on top of it.) My craft group debated how much of it was puke and how much was diarrhea, and there's also some Pepto Pink in there. So someone suggested it's just one combined bad night at the buffet. That seems accurate.

I've started another log cabin blanket with all browns that a girl in my knitting group has laid claim to. She is welcome to have it, as the magic of the Log Cabin blankets is starting to fade. But I'm burning through hella stash.

One final note: I'm giving the demon Zahgurim to my friends to keep in their band practice space. I think he might help them with their evil death metal music. Or kill them. We'll just have to see how it shakes out.

Last Two

2008-09-17T16:18:00.000-04:00

Aaah, the serenity of your own (12 1/2" x 14 1/2") log cabin:

As long as it doesn't turn out to be, as my friend Eddie put it, "a place of agony and death:"

Oops! Next time read your Camp Crystal Lake rental contract a little more carefully. Close up:

I will be really surprised if Lee wants this next one for her shop. And to be honest, I'm kind of attached to it. Here's our little Peruvian friend before the holocaust (22"x18"):

And here he is after:

Yup, he's feeling a little zombified. And I don't want to know what he plans to do with those puppies.

In other news, I knit one of those log-cabin blankets for my friend Zeppo using only the colors of puke, and failed to take any photos of it. How that happened I have no idea. Also I did one other painting, but it's a gift and I can't reveal it yet, even though it's kind of rad and I want to. I CAN'T. So that's it for now. As you were.

Finally Some More Paintings

2008-09-17T16:03:00.000-04:00

I finally managed to get some work done on these paintings. Here's a lovely mountainscape (9"x11"):

right before the aliens took it over:

Close up:

This hideous beach (12 1/2" x 17"):

...somehow managed to get even worse, perhaps because I removed the giant chocolate chip cookies from the shoreline:

I guess they were eating them.

And once again I failed to take a before shot of this one (8 3/4" x 10 1/4"), but I only added the car:

Close up:

Two more in the next post....

Fun With Ceramics

2008-08-27T09:51:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, sorry about that. I've become obsessed with ceramics and they take longer than other stuff. Also I've been knitting a lot of devil and Viking hats, and you've already seen those.

I found a plain white ceramic cherub at the Goodwill, and failed to take a before photo of it. But if you've ever been to a Goodwill I'm sure you've seen one. Anyway, the Cherub told me that he was a demon from Hell and that his name is Zahgurim. He wanted to know if I could please paint him up to look scary. I said no prob.

I made him red and added his symbol from the Necronomicon. I used regular acrylic paint, did the symbol with a Sharpie, and gave him three coats of acrylic varnish:

He brought the skull with him. I didn't ask.

Here's his back:

Underneath him I wrote his name and the word used to call him, plus his number in the Necronomicon.

His entry reads:

"As ZAHRIM, a most terrible opponent. It is said ZAHGURIM slays slowly, after a most unnatural fashion. I do not know, for I have never summoned this Spirit. It is thy risk. The word is MASHTISHADDU and the Seal:" is the image on his chest.

Consider yourselves warned.

When My Lawn Furniture Gives You an Order, You Do It

2008-06-14T21:14:00.000-04:00

I. At Monster Bash I became very jealous of everyone that had folding lounge chairs. So when I went to Big Lots today and discovered they had folding lounge chairs in awesome bright colors, I bought four of them.

II. Earlier in the week I had occasion to use my Giant stationary and discovered there was a stencil included in the pack.

III. Also I have an assload of spraypaint in my garage.

Behold the confluence of these events:

I guess this doesn't technically count as a craft. It's more of a statement to the world that nothing is sacred, and if you don't want me to alter it, don't let me have it.

The End.

Burn That Stash

2008-05-09T15:03:00.000-04:00

I finished a blue version of the Log Cabin blanket from Mason Dixon Knitting:
That's a regular 12-inch ruler for scale.

I'm sending it to my mother for Mother's Day. The photo's not too great since I suddenly remembered I hadn't taken one just as I was packing the box (quell surprise!), so I'm lucky I even got this.

I have no fear that my mother will find this post before Mother's Day as she is unable to recognize a computer when she walks past one, let alone discover and harness the magic of Blogger.

Happy Mother's Day!

I Am Acrylic Man

2008-05-02T11:37:00.000-04:00

Zeppo's husband loves Iron Man. I mean REALLY loves Iron Man. So she asked me if I could knit up an Iron Man for his birthday. "Sure!" I replied confidently. "No problem!"

I immediately ran the project by the nearest comic book nerd (my husband) in order to sort out the details I would need to convincingly render Iron Man in acrylic yarn. He fired out this question: "Which Iron Man?"

Huh? "How the fuck should I know? What do you mean 'Which Iron Man'??" Of course there are variant Iron Men. I should know this by now. They all have goddamned variants. So there's an Iron Man that looks like the Iron Man you see in the current movie posters, and there's an Iron Man that looks like the boiler in your grandmother's basement. This would be the "Original Iron Man."

I took a look at both Iron Men and decided that rather than choose one and potentially break Mr. Zeppo's heart by choosing the "wrong" one, I'd just do both of them. Here they are in all their glory:

My husband took them for a test drive by flying them around the den while making the appropriate flying/shooting sounds, and declared that they both worked magnificently. Mr. Zeppo seemed to be pleased, and I wouldn't be surprised if he sneaks them into the movie theater this weekend.

Rock on with your bad selves, Iron Men.

2 Legit

2008-05-01T08:22:00.001-04:00

Look what my friend Patti made for me:

How gorgeous is that? I hung it over my craft table so there is no mistaking that the doctor is definitely in:

That thing makes me feel more legitimate than if I had business cards and an assistant. And I promise my craft area isn't as dingy and depressing as that photo would have you believe. Thanks, Patti!! You're the best.

Bedazzler of Filth

2008-03-09T09:25:00.001-04:00

Guess who's coming to the Masquerade in May? That's right, Cradle of Filth. I'm trying to enlighten you asshats so you can stop buying shit like KoRN and Linkin Park, so just shut up and take your medicine.

Anyway, this show is going to be the perfect excuse to wear my new Cradle of Filth dress:

Kind of missing something, right? I decided I needed to Bedazzle the shit out of it. Here goes:

I used crystal rhinestones for the front and red rhinestones for the back:
Oh yeah. That's the stuff. It's way more evil this way, and I'm gonna be the belle of the ball at the show.

The rhinestones are kind of a bitch because you put the setting into the plunger and the stone underneath, instead of the other way around, so you're basically bedazzling upside-down. I wasn't happy with that arrangement because I wanted to see exactly what I was doing. So I did all this by hand. I kept the print facing me and pushed the setting through the back of the fabric, then put the rhinestone in the setting and pushed the teeth down with my thumbnail. Afterwards I put each finished rhinestone into the base of the Bedazzler and hit it gently with a small rubber mallet to curve the points in like they would have been if I had used the Bedazzler to attach them in the first place. I ran my finger over them afterward and they feel pretty smooth, so I think I'll call this one a Mission Accomplished.

Keeping Sexy Time

2008-03-09T08:42:00.000-04:00

Remember the Tu-Clock I made for Gaby? Well, I decided to make a Prince clock for my husband.

You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a poster for Purple Rain nowadays. At least I was. I ended up ordering this (gigantic, expensive) Japanese Iris print:
We were a little concerned about it being an Iris print and not a glossy poster because we wondered if the mod-podge would cause it to run. I ran some tests with some other stuff printed off an inkjet. The tests did not run, so we went for it, and it ultimately worked just fine.

I definitely wanted to concentrate on Prince's handsome visage, so I traced the wooden plaque right over the spot we wanted. I cut it out and decoupaged it onto the plaque.
After it dried I painted the outside edge black, because the gold paint I have is really transparent. Also you can kind of use the black to clean up the edges if they are rough.Then when the black was dry I painted two or three coats of gold.
Time to pour the EnviroTex Lite Pour On High Gloss Finish! (I have exactly one half of the 16 oz package left over from the Tu-Clock.) Which is horribly messy business, and your piece has to be perfectly flat on a raised surface (I put a block of wood under it), and you have to cover everything in a one-mile vicinity with plastic, and monitor for drips, and keep the temperature right, and be in a non-dusty area (which does not exist in my house), but is TOTALLY WORTH the payoff.Behold the drips. It pretty much keeps dripping the whole 72 hours. Do not worry about this, as there will still be plenty of acrylic on the piece. Even though it doesn't seem like there will be. Just trust me.

So he dried beautifully (except I got a gold fingerprint on the windshield before I poured the acrylic and it wouldn't come off that mod-podge for anything) and then sat around for about 3 months while I waited for my husband to do his part which was to sand the drips off the back and drill the hole for the clock kit. His desire for Sexy Purple Time in his office finally won out over his procrastination.

When he drilled the hole for the Tu-Clock there were absolutely no problems. He drilled a small pilot hole and then the real one while I cringed in the living room and tried not to cry. It came out perfectly. This time the acrylic did something weird -- there is a strange halo around the hole. I decided to make the best of it and used the halo to lay out the adhesive numbers. You can see it in this finished photo:The first photo I shot was totally a picture of me reflected back at myself. This baby is the very definition of "high gloss." Sexy high gloss.

The husband is very pleased. Now I just have to get him to hang it in his office.

More Shit for Gaby: Birthday Edition

2008-02-28T06:41:00.000-05:00

This year for my dear Gaby's birthday I decided to paint up some of the blank nesting dolls I ordered from Golden Cockerel. Behold the Wu Tang Clan:
I used gloss spray varnish and shot these at night because I am a dumbass, so the flash pretty much blew out all the detail. Here's a closer shot of the big ones:
You may have noticed a little white girl in there. That's Gaby. She's always wanted to be in the Wu Tang, and I aim to please. Here's the back:
I purchased the 5 piece sets of nesting dolls, so this is two sets put together. They are all handmade so there is a slight variation in size between the two sets, which makes it look like maybe it's one big set. Do not be deceived.

Here's what Gaby got for Valentine's Day. I took an empty heart-shaped candy tin and spray painted it black, then decoupaged romantic stuff on it. The front:

The back:

Inside:

I made her a bracelet out of skull beads from Oriental Trading and a voodoo doll and some hearts from scrap fabric. Project: Fill Gaby's House With Love Offerings continues unabated.

Here's the one I made for my husband. Same deal, I spray painted an empty gigantic Altoids tin and then decoupaged it. Outside front:

The text reads "This time staying awake won't help you." I like to keep him on his toes. The back:

And inside:

Unintentional Moby Dick reference here. I just liked the image of the tortured whale. It seriously did not occur to me until my husband pointed it out. He was pleased.

One last item, since I've got Flickr open. While wandering around the Publix one day, I noticed that they were selling zip-up hoodies for $10. Why was the grocery store selling hoodies? I have no idea. Apparently Publix had no idea either, because the next time I saw the hoodies they were half off. $5 is a pretty damn good price for hoodies. So I bought the last three they had, which were baby blue, pink and black. If things go as planned, the blue and pink ones will probably appear in a future "More Shit for Gaby" post. But here's what I did with the black one:I don't have enough crap with skeletons on it, right? I painted this on with regular old acrylic paint. I almost didn't take this photo because I wanted to wait until after I washed it to get the pencil lines out. I'm glad I did, because this is what happened when I washed it:I have never had this happen. I paint on fabric all the time. I certainly didn't have this problem with the octopus sweatshirt. Maybe it's because I turned it inside out, or maybe I didn't let it dry long enough before I washed it, or maybe I angered the craft gods. In any case I think it looks even radder this way, and no paint got on anything else in the washer, so I'm going to put this under the Happy Accident column and tell everyone I got it at Abercrombie and Fitch.

That's it for now. I have to go order more nesting dolls.

Surprise! No "Before" Shot.

2008-01-31T16:04:00.001-05:00

I swear to Christ I really thought I had taken a before shot of this painting. For over a month it's been hanging on the wall where I take my before shots. I naturally assumed I had taken care of this when I started altering it. Then I went through my photos and didn't have one. So imagine this without the skulls washed up on shore:

Here's a close up of the left bank:

There's a tiny skull peeking over the reeds in the middle, but you can't really tell here. And I forgot to measure it. Do as I say, kids, not as I do!

The next Church of Craft meeting looks really promising, so I'll come back later when I have more to report. Also we're getting really close to being ready to maybe finish that Prince clock. We had to wrap up some things in the garage before we got back to it. And I started another one of those log cabin blankets, this time in blue since I have tons of it.

As for these confounded before shots, as my friend Wilson likes to say, "I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try." That's apparently the best I can do.

Some Stuff I Forgot

2008-01-11T08:32:00.003-05:00

Last Xmas my husband's sister-in-law requested that I make her the log cabin blanket in Mason Dixon Knitting. It took a year, but here it is:

(My husband suggested I be in the photo for scale or it would just look like a potholder.) Boy did I burn through some yarn. I'm working on a blue one now because I have a ton of old blue acrylic yarn. If I can stomach working on a yellow one I might do that after. Then I will have a lean, mean stash pile.

Here's something I just made for fun, hoping to foist it on someone as an Xmas gift. I somehow ended up with an old bamboo tray that had some horrible watermelon print fabric glued to it. For some reason I saw potential in this. First I spraypainted it black, then I decoupaged a bunch of space shit all over it:

I just recently bought a matching bamboo tray, sans watermelon fabric, so I'm going to make another one. I think it's rad as hell but I have absolutely no use for it. So why not have two? Am I right?

I'm fishing through my Flickr account to see if I missed anything else, but I think that's it. I still have to prep the photos from one last project, which I will do sometime this weekend, and that should be the last of it.

Is It Over Yet??

2008-01-10T08:17:00.000-05:00

I thought the holiday season was NEVER GOING TO END. I have handed out all the crafted gifts, so I'm going to call it done.

Let's start slow with something that's not very impressive:

My sister has done her dining room in a Tuscan theme. So I bought a mirror at Big Lots because I liked the frame, then smashed the mirror out of it. I painted the backing board with chalkboard paint, then googled some suitable Italian words and painted them on.

I love chalkboard paint. LOVE IT. The idea of liquid slate intrigues me. But there were a few light spots after I rolled the paint on, so I touched them up, and you can totally see where I did that. I am not pleased. I did about four coats on this thing, so I guess next time I would do even more than that. I would have just re-rolled it but I'd already painted the words on by then. But she likes it, and other than those spots I like the way it turned out. And there's an assload of paint left so there will be more chalkboard projects in my future.

Remember these?
Inkblots I-IV were last year's gift to my psychologist friend, so this year I did V-X. Ask me if I took a photo. Go on, ask. Nope. Moving on...

Here's another craft project that didn't quite turn out like I planned. I asked my 6-year-old niece what she wanted for Xmas. She shouted, "I WANT A SIGN THAT SAYS "ANDREW AND BUD KNOCK" TO PUT ON MY DOOR!" I said, "Okay, sure. Do you still like Bratz?" She responded, "Yeah, I want a Bratz sign that says "ANDREW AND BUD KNOCK!"" I got one of those blank wooden door hangers at Hobby Lobby, painted it purple, printed some Bratz off Google Images and decoupaged them on, added her message, then hit the whole thing with a can of spray glitter I had in my garage for some reason:

On the back of this I wrote, "I think I put too much glitter. Love, Diana." My husband argued that when Bratz are involved there's no such thing as too much glitter. Perhaps he's right. My niece had no complaints.

Okay, here's the one I'm most proud of. During one of my weekly stops at the Goodwill, I discovered a ceramic elephant cookie jar that was primed with gray paint. I had no idea what I was going to do with it, but it was $3 and it was primed, so I bought it. I stared at it for a couple of weeks and then decided to make it into a zombie:

Unlike me, my husband actually paid attention before he dropped out of art school. So he helped me mix the colors to maximum rotting effect, and had me do a nice yellow wash over the whole thing to make it more sickly. I like it so much that I hope to stumble over more primed ceramic junk.

I also did one more painting and failed to take a before shot. Just imagine the car's not there. It's 19 1/2" x 23" with frame:

Seriously, how big is the photo allotment on Blogger? Oh, and I've been making out with this effigy of Dani Filth which is actually almost life-sized:

[EDIT: Looking down below, I see that I already put the damn pig on here. So I'm pulling her off. Nothing to see here...]

In other news, the Prince clock needs to have a hole drilled for the clock kit, and then that will be done and I will post photos of the whole messy process. Also my friend sent over photos of her Xmas present that I failed to take pictures of, and I need to get those ready for posting. Otherwise that's it for now. Smell ya later.

The 2-Headed Croc and the Pig

2007-08-31T14:30:00.001-04:00

This is how I found it:
I decided it needed some wildlife, but not just any wildlife.... It needed a two-headed crocodile. Here's a close up:The frame is pretty awesome too, but it gives me splinters. 21"x27"

This next thing isn't much of a craft. I had a red plastic piggy bank that I gave to charity. Right after I dropped it off, I realized that if I had painted the eyes red, it could have been that ghost pig from "The Amityville Horror" named Jody that floated around outside the house. I was PISSED. Luckily while I was out thrifting last week I found a blue one. I quickly colored the eyes with a red Marks-A-Lot, and voila: She's living over the dryer now to collect all my husband's change. He pays off like a slot machine.

I have decided that I really need to get busy on some decoupage because my case is getting awful heavy. I'll get back to you on that.

Gill-Man and the UFO

2007-08-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

"The Creature from the Black Lagoon" is hilarious, and if you haven't seen it put it on your To-Do List. In tribute to the creature, I decided to add him to this painting:

Here he comes!

Feel the fury of the close up:

The second painting needed something, but I didn't know what.
Luckily a passing UFO lost steering control and smashed into the snow bank, providing just what I needed:

Close up:

"Gill-Man" is 19 1/2" x 23 1/4" with frame, and "Snowed In" (that's what it says on the back) is 21"x27" with frame.

I have been busy lately with things not related to crafting, so not much has been going up here. Next month is not going to be much better I'm afraid. But with Xmas coming the crafting should pick up. I have two more paintings lined up, some more etching planned, more sewing, more shrinky-dink experiments, and two more blank sets of matrioshka dolls. Also I have a pretty cool lampshade that may or may not get decoupaged, depending on the flammability warnings on the Mod Podge label... In other words, bear with me - I have more things piled up in my head than I have time for. Save me a seat at the crafting table!

Skull Beach II

2007-07-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

I don't really like this painting. To be honest, I didn't really like it that much when I bought it, but I thought I could improve it. Here's what it looked like at first:

And here's what I did to it:

Unfortunately, it has a weird perspective in that the flowers in the front are huge as compared to the lighthouse and birds. So whatever I put in it had to be huge. If I had added many small skulls, they would have looked like tiny Rhesus Monkey skulls instead of human skulls. I had to go with one big one instead. Also, the flowers are abstract whereas the lighthouse and sunbeams are more realistic. So I don't think this was a great choice for altering. C'est la vie.

However, I LOVE how the frame turned out. I bought a black frame at Hobby Lobby which did not go with the painting, but it's 12"x16" so I had to take what I could get, and sprayed it with this aerosol "granite" paint that I found in my garage. It's so bad it's good. I love how the hideous purple "granite" sets off the hideous purple in the painting. I've got two more cans of it!

Anyway, you live and learn. The next one will be better, I promise.

Office Luchador

2007-06-28T06:20:00.000-04:00

My coworker knows that I knit, and he accidentally found some bizarre photos and sent them over to me with the comment "Can you make some of these? Please?" I told him I had been looking for a pattern for those for about a year with no luck. About five minutes later he called me and said, "I don't know what a knitting pattern looks like, but I think I found one." Indeed he had. If you are not familiar with these, you're in for a treat. Check it out:

Armed Robbery for the Holidays

His favorite was the red boy's balaclava, so I took that pattern and combined it with the adult man's balaclava pattern so it would fit his head. He's quite pleased with the result:
Apparently he's so pleased that he's fallen asleep. And we're very pleased that we have our very own office luchador. Orale!

Wheels on Fire, Burnin' Down the Road

2007-06-27T14:14:00.000-04:00

This is the sister painting to the lakescape painting below. They were done by the same gentleman in 1968. I know this because he helpfully filled out the label on the back of the board.

Before:After:
Close up:

In other news, I have finished the brown stash sweater, and one other thing that I think you'll enjoy. I'll post those soon.

Craft Pile-up

2007-06-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

We've had numerous technical difficulties at home lately, but crafting stops for no man. So I'm back in action, and I have a whole pile of crafts to share.

Let me begin by saying that Ready Made magazine has exactly one more subscription cycle to impress me. And they only have that because a friend renewed it for me as a gift. But there's usually one tip I can use (and afford) in each issue, and this month it's the one where they used chicken wire and housepaint to "update" a skirt. I don't have chicken wire, but I do have some left-over strips of that rubber mat stuff that you put under throw rugs. So I took a cherry-print blazer that I've never really looked good in (I'm not really a cherry-print person), a rubber stamp of a house fly and a rubber stamp of a 50's style family, some acrylic Mars Black paint, and went at the blazer in this manner:Now it looks like it's been run over by a car. But that's fine. I like it better this way.

On to knitting! If you knit or crochet, you're familiar with the Stash. For civilians, the Stash is the leftover pile of one-skeins you have after you complete projects. Yarn costs money, so you're hard-pressed to throw it out, and plus you might be able to use it for embroidery or small projects later. It piles up and piles up until your husband starts wondering why the closet door won't close, or why his stuff's being tossed out to make room for more yarn. That's when a Stash-busting project comes in handy.

Here's what I did with my green Stash:I used the pattern in Interweave Knits Spring 2004, p. 92 for the "Striped Angora Raglan," the same pattern I used for the Ugliest Sweater Ever, the Housefly Sweater, and the "Object that Shall Not Be Named" Sweater, AKA the Easiest Sweater Pattern In The World. And I used all leftover worsted weight acrylic. I just used each ball until it ran out, then picked a new one. I tossed in some orange because I just really dig that orange. Oh, and I embroidered a skull on the bottom because that's how I roll. I've already started a sweater using my brown Stash.

If you do something like this, you definitely want to use yarn that's identical except for the color, because otherwise your gauge will be all over the place and you won't be able to clean it properly. (Unless that's what you're going for, in which case knock yourself out!) With 100% "Cheap'n'Shitty" acrylic, this baby goes right in the washer and dryer with no problems. Except when it gets attacked by the velcro that is seemingly ALL OVER my husband's clothing. (Note the fuzzy bits around the collar and left sleeve where I wrestled some pants free.)

Next up: I have done another painting. I really hoped I had taken a before photo of this painting. Of course I did not. So you're going to have to use your imagination.All I did was add the planets to the sky and the reflection in the water. Here's a close up of the planets: I think it turned out pretty good. With the frame it's about 16"x12". I'm just calling it "Lakescape."

The last item here is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Okay, maybe not, but I sure did love Shrinky Dinks when I was a kid, and now they're back! I forced one of my Craft Agents to find me some Shrinky Dinks because I can't find them anywhere. She came through in a big way, delivering packages of bright white, transparent, something called "fuzzy," and inkjet printer versions of Shrinky Dinks. Last night I eagerly dug out my G.B.H cds and pored through the liner notes looking for things to trace. I chose the giant black and white logo from "City Baby Attacked By Rats" (minus "CHARGED") and the rad little skulls from "Midnight Madness and Beyond...." I traced the pictures with sharpies, trimmed them out with a paper cutter, punched holes with a regular hole punch, and shrank them up. I attached all the bits with jump rings, harvested a clasp from some old jewelry I have lying around, and came up with this:That's pretty much the punkest Shrinky Dink bracelet ever.

According to the directions, you're supposed to coat it with spray varnish when you're done. What the directions don't tell you is that when you do your 'Dinks will bleed. Behold the bleeding on the G.B.H in the bottom photo. Perhaps I sprayed too heavily, or perhaps the people at Shrinky Dinks, Inc. are a pack of liars. Whatever the case, it's still pretty rad. Next time I do this, which will probably be in about an hour, I will round the corners, because I have already cut both my husband and myself. Which is pretty goddamned punk rock.

That's it for now. Sorry about how long it takes this blog to load, but I can't think of a way for you to appreciate my crafting genius without photos. One day perhaps, but not today.

Toiletzilla

2007-05-14T17:53:00.000-04:00

My friend Shawn sent me this email:

Hey you know those stupid things old ladies have that sit on their toilet tank that are little crocheted (I don't know if that's correct, but it's the first way I typed it and spell check let it be so...) women that their dress covers up a spare roll of toilet paper? Damn, that's a long question! What with you being the master of the needles (are they called needles? Hell I don't know!), do you think you could make me one that's some kinda monster or something?

I just went to take a dump and didn't notice that there was hardly any paper left until I was "goin at it" and suddenly those "stupid things" didn't seem so stupid.

I was intrigued. Yes, indeed, those things are crocheted, and I do not crochet. I can't stand crocheting, and I don't plan to ever do it again. But I was convinced I could knit just such a toilet paper cover. I just needed some time to work out the pattern, or rather, assemble the bits I needed from other patterns I was familiar with and had worked for me in the past. I used leftover acrylic (my fave) and #6 needles because I wanted a close knit that wouldn't show off the toilet roll inside.

The first issue was the top part of the cover as it would have to be round and flat. I really enjoyed making the flower washcloths in the book "Weekend Knitting" by Melanie Falick. The center part is knit in the round with a lot of decreases to make it flat. I used that for the top part of the toilet roll cover. Once that was done, I picked up stitches all around the outside edge, then knit in the round to make a long stockinette tube the size of the roll of paper. To prevent too much rolling, I did three rows of garter stitch at the end (in the round, that means knit one row, purl the next) and then bound off.

Issue number two was his head. I decided I wanted a substantial head, about half the width of the top. So I divided the number of stitches I had cast on for the top in half, and I cast that many onto my straight needles. I knit three rows of garter stitch to give me something to attach to the top, then knit stockinette until I decided it was time to start reducing, about 2". I evenly spaced out some decreases (I think 3? Sorry, he's already been gifted.) to make his head sort of rounded. I cut the yarn and drew through the last few stitches. Then I embroidered his mouth and attached his eyes. The ladies in my craft group correctly pointed out that Godzilla has an angry brow, so I embroidered that and then noticed that he couldn't breathe, so I added some nostrils. Then I sewed up the back seam. I stuffed him with polyfill and attached the head to the "body."

The last issue was the plates down his back. I had made a friend's dog a dinosaur sweater that has plates down the back using the Patons pattern book called "Another Dog's Life." But those were too big for this project, so I made tinier versions and decreased the size of each plate as they climbed up his back towards his head. Also, I made them out of the darker green that I used for the eyebrow and nostrils to give him a little variety. Once those were done I attached them up his back, and here's what he looks like:He's so cute when he's angry! (In case you're wondering, that's a lenticular print of toucans that we have over the toilet in our Tiki Bathroom. That's why the birds look wack.)

I took a vote of the craft group on whether or not to give him tiny, useless hands such as the real Godzilla has. (That's right, I said REAL.) We decided we liked the way he looked as is. I also didn't want to get into making him a tail, and I felt that would be the next step after hands and feet. So I left him limbless. Once he finds out what his station in life is destined to be, it's probably best that he doesn't have them.

I'm pleased at the way he came out. Shawn was really pleased with the result, and that's all that matters. But I do enjoy a good challenge.

I haven't reproduced all my silly notes and stitch counts for a few reasons:
1. I never EVER get the same gauge that the rest of the world apparently gets;
2. My notes are boring and tedious; and
3. I kind of want to get across the idea of experimentation rather than following regimented patterns. If you're inspired by Toiletzilla, go forth and make your own knitted toilet roll covers using whatever tools and patterns you have in your arsenal. Experiment! Go nuts!

However, if you do really want to hear all my numbers, holla and I'll get them over to you. Just be forewarned that you might end up with a spare tire cover instead of a toilet roll cover, because I can't explain why I never get proper gauge. Ever. Not once.

I guess that's just how I "roll." Ahem.

Frigging in the Rigging

2007-04-24T13:29:00.000-04:00

Everything was going just fine. The seagulls circled, there was a beautiful sunset, and the waves were breaking against the shore:Then this happened:Oh no! Those poor fishermen or whatever! Close up:'Twas an ugly day at sea.
(An ugly 11 1/2" x 13 1/2" day.)

Stick Your Head Between Your Legs...

2007-04-19T07:14:00.000-04:00

...and Kiss Your Ass Goodbye is the title of my latest work. This is how I found it:

This is what I did to it:

Here's a close up:

You can see that it's a very weird shape. It's 7x9" and it sticks an inch and a quarter off the wall. The canvas wraps around the bizarre little frame in an intriguing-slash-pretentious way. I decided to not get too technical with the perspective because I could never pull that off. I think it turned out well. Not well for those poor folks... but you know what I mean.

Return of the Yeti

2007-04-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

Here's my latest painting, completed last night. Before:

After:

You know you want more Yetis. Close up:

Right before I started working on it, I realized that what he's walking on probably isn't a road. I had thought it was, but upon further contemplation I realized it was probably water. I then made the executive decision that it was frozen water, and therefore stable enough to support a big dumb yeti heading out to run some errands.

As a bonus, here is a free sewing tip: I can't ever get those stupid blue pencils to write on my fabric. The best one I have is a "dressmaker's" pencil, whatever that means, but the other ones never work. So the other night while working on a project for a friend, in frantic desperation I licked the point of one of the pencils before holding it to my fabric. Huzzah! It traced a perfect line right where I needed it.

If it's not going to write on the fabric unless you lick it, why don't they print that shit on the packaging? Is this something that everyone in the world knows except for me?? Probably. Anyway, I was so pleased with my discovery that I wanted to share it. Go forth and write on your fabric with abandon, grasshoppers.

Baby Hats

2007-04-05T08:33:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine just recently had a baby. Well, he didn't have it, his woman did. But he saw a photo of my Baby Valkyrie hat and requested one for his offspring. Being that he and the baby are black, I offered to make black pigtails instead of the usual blonde:This is not his child. This is a baby skeleton I got at Joann Crafts one Halloween, and I freaking love it.

His other request was a Jamaican-style dread basket with attached fake dreads. I came up with this:The skeleton's head way stretches out the hat. On the baby it will poof out more. At least I hope it will. I have demanded photos of his kid in these hats. They are 100% acrylic, but with the fake hair attached I recommended hand-washing. But spit-up or spewed carrots and peas should easily wipe clean. Or just blend in.

I plan to use this pattern again. I think it would make a cute bonnet if done in a solid color, or would make a good wee Scottish tam if done in a kilt color combo. Of course I would leave off the dreadlocks in those cases. Maybe.

Two New Paintings

2007-03-23T09:27:00.000-04:00

The camera is back from SXSW, it's unloaded, recharged and ready to accept my deranged "artwork" again.

Here's the first victim:Nice little snowscape, boring and a little eerie, I think. Here's what happened:Oh no! Some dumbass skidded off the road into the lake! Here's a close up:I really dig that frame.

The second one looks like someone was doing shrooms when they painted it - good shrooms:I decided that if I was a unicorn, this is where I would want to die.

Ahhh... eternal rest by a purple lake. How fitting. Close up:

The Jesus/Bigfoot/Nessie painting actually sold, if you can believe that. Big thanks to the man that bought it, whomever he may be. All but these last two (and the one that sold) are hanging in a shop called Victory Vintage in Decatur, GA. Big BIG thanks to Lee for taking a chance on me. I hope I do you proud.

Nice Day For A Swim

2007-03-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

Here's the other painting I worked on this week. I bought this at a thrift store SO AWESOME that I'm not telling anyone about it. It was either $2.98 or $3.98 - there were two different prices on the back - but I bought a mountain of crap and my total was $12, so I'm not complaining. I found it like this:
I'm not sure why the artist decided to mask off a section in the middle to paint. The landscape sometimes reaches out past the border and sometimes doesn't. This painting is confusing. Also, you can't really tell from this shot how dirty it was. There were smudges and spots all over it and there was water damage on the bottom. I finally resorted to mixing up an ivory color and washing over the whole outer edge to try to clean it up.

Then I added this:
I really hope that looks like a human, because sometimes I think it looks like someone murdered one of those articulated wooden dolls you use in illustration class. Subtle shading with acrylic is hard, and I've never had the patience for oils, so there you have it. Close up:

And, boy, am I glad I didn't use that other frame! I found this one at Goodwill last night for $3:
How rad is that? Turns out it's some kind of resin, not wood, so it was tough getting the painting to stay in there. But I think it was worth it.

I'm going to be busy with the two other paintings I got last night, but the husband is taking our camera to Texas for vacation so it might be quiet around here until he gets back. Also, I wonder how long it will take for me to max out the photo allotment on blogger.

See you in ten days!

Van Goghzilla

2007-03-08T08:11:00.001-05:00

This week I have done two new paintings, but I will only show this one for now because the other one isn't framed yet.

I bought this at the Salvation Army for $1.99: I suspect someone had a coupla beers and thought they were Van Gogh. But they were not proud enough of their efforts to actually sign their name to it, and eventually gave it to charity. So here's what I did to it:It did not come with a frame, and since all my other ones are framed, I went to Hobby Lobby to search for something appropriate. People, frames are expensive. I don't think I ever knew how expensive they are. The cheapest one I could find was $14.99 and it was basically four mitered pine boards nailed together. Complete with random knots. And the top board was warped, which I didn't notice until I brought it home. But I gave it one coat of white paint to simulate a Frenchy-shabby-chic look to go with the Van Goghness of the original painting, and I think it turned out okay:Here's a close up of the Godzilla:So the starting price for this bitch is $16.98 to recoup my expenses. I need to learn how to use the circular saw, because clearly I am in the wrong business.

Day-Old Art

2007-03-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

Here's a few things I haven't posted yet.

My brother-in-law's wife has done a great job of decorating their house. It's done in lots of reds and browns with lots of Spanish influence. I saw this rug on Knitty Gritty one day, and I decided to make it for her:
It's all acrylic, very cushy, and lots of fun to knit up. Apparently one of her purse-dogs peed on it, so I'm not sure what happened to it after that.

Another Knitty Gritty pattern, this time for a pillow with a garter stitch inset panel:

They call it "reverse applique." The technique calls for a panel of stockinette and a smaller panel of garter stitch. You draw your chosen pattern (I picked a women's restroom symbol) onto a piece of tear-away stabilizer. You then attach the stabilizer to the front of the stockinette panel, and place the stockinette panel on top of the garter panel, and sew around the pattern either by using your machine or doing it by hand. I tried my machine.

First of all, two layers of knitting and one of stabilizer are really hard to wedge under the presser foot. Removing the presser foot didn't work, as I then had to hand-feed the fabric. Secondly, the tear-away stabilizer tears while you're sewing it, so it's really tough to keep the whole mess together while you try to work around the pattern. Pinning the stabilizer to the fabric doesn't work, because the pins go right through the damn stabilizer, because guess what? It's designed to tear. Thirdly, my machine kept trying to eat the knitting. Placing another sheet of stabilizer under the whole mess in an attempt to keep the machine from eating the knitting made it even thicker.

I gave up the machine and finished the pattern by hand. Hand-sewing somehow makes the stabilizer tear even more. I would rather have not used the stabilizer at all, but I didn't know how to draw my pattern on without it showing later. Next time (and unfortunately there is going to be a next time - I've already knitted up all the pieces) I will probably draw the pattern onto the back of the garter stitch panel, since it will be hidden later, and just sew around that. The final step is to cut the stockinette panel inside your line of sewing to reveal the garter stitch panel underneath.

In conclusion, either I missed something, or this is a clever idea that does not translate into real life. I tend to believe it's the latter. But I like the pillow, despite how hairy the chick looks. Moving on....

My husband is always hot. (He's good-looking too, but I'm talking about temperature hot.) So when I first started knitting, he begged me to never knit him anything, as he would more than likely spontaneously combust while wearing it. However his feet are ice cold. One day he requested some socks. But these couldn't be just ANY old socks - no, these had to be BAT SOCKS:Side view:Close up:Our house is full of Bat-stuff, so the logo was readily available - I just graphed it out and intarsia-ed it in. That's why it looks kind of pinched. Intarsia in the round probably wasn't the best idea. Don't ask me how I did it, because I can't remember. But he loves them.

I used a basic sock pattern and four colors of Lion Brand Cotton-Ease. I added the ribbing, the stripes and the logo.

Just for kicks, here's the first sock I ever made:

Gauge is important, people.

Mango Moon recycled sari silk yarn is expensive, but it's gorgeous. A girl in my knitting group used hers to knit a cover for a notebook, so I immediately stole her idea:
Thanks Ruth! I garter-stitched a flat panel (which I think actually shows off the beautiful silk better than if I had used stockinette) and E-6000ed it to the front of a free spiral notebook they gave us all at work. I also attached one of those rad little Buddha charms. I then made a little pouch for my nail clippers and ever-present sudafed (shown) to go in my purse.

Okay, last day-old art for today: "Glitter King"Another derby fundraiser oldie. Acrylic and glitter in gel medium, purchased by a friend of mine for his "Bad Art Wall." He will soon be the proud owner of Hasselhoff for two reasons:
1) I feel bad when anyone pays good money for my "art," so I'm giving him two-for-one; and
2) I can't think of a better place for old Hasselhoff than a Bad Art Wall.

Up and Running

2007-03-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

It seems I have finally finished getting this blog ready for public consumption. Yay me! I think I've wrestled Flickr, Blogger, and the HTML into submission, but if anything doesn't work please let me know. I've tried to make each link open in a new window because I hate clicking on stuff that replaces my page so I have to hit "back" all the time or force it to open the link in a new window. If you find one that doesn't, please holla.

The good news is that if you click on the photos, you will be treated to a larger version. Huzzah! But then you have to hit the dreaded "back" button, because I have not as yet figured out how to make the photos open in a new window. I don't know if that's possible, but I'll keep working on it.

Anyway, welcome everyone, and I hope you all have a good time.

-- Diana

Various Projects

2007-03-01T17:51:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I like to torture my husband. He loves Lord of the Rings, and I always joke about what a gorgeous woman Legolas is. We keep getting PB Teen catalog for some reason. So I combined them both and left this for him one morning on the counter:

Legolas: I cannot waiteth to see what shall happen on the O.C. this day!
Babysitter: Yeah, well enjoy the first half, because your mom said you have to go to bed at 9:30.

Zeppo makes great shrines. I am jealous of her great shrines. So when I finished the chamomile tea that came in this tiny box, I used it to construct a shrine to Satan and Anton LaVey:

Inside I put Bible quotes, Hieronymus Bosch artwork, and a tiny devil that you use to decorate fancy girly drinks. (I have squids, too. Stay tuned.)

I'm actually not sure if it's finished yet. I wanted to put some of my skull beads in there, but I haven't decided yet. I'll let the voices in my head guide me.

One of my only fond school memories is from a music class we had in middle school around Halloween. The teacher spent a whole period on the Saint-Saëns piece "Danse Macabre." She explained the whole piece start to finish, telling us which instrument represented which part of the story, and handed out triangles and xylophones so we could play along at the correct time. She even had skeleton decorations up. I still love "Danse Macabre," so I commemorated the piece with this set of nesting dolls:

"Memento Mori" means "Remember you will die." Not sure what "Momento Mori" means, but I have since corrected the spelling. Don't drink and paint.

I purchased blank nesting dolls from Golden Cockerel, then painted them with acrylics. I have since coated them with spray-varnish, so they are much shinier now. The varnish claims to have "ambering properties" that I think will enhance the dolls over time.

Okay, last item - double point needle wraps:

If you don't knit, then you will have no idea what the hell these are for. Quick recap: When you knit tubes, such as sleeves or hats, you can either use two needles joined together by a cord (called circular needles), or you can use several small (double pointed) needles in this manner:

There are many types of needle wraps to accommodate regular long straight needles, but I haven't ever found one I like to haul around all my double points at once. (And believe me, I need them all.) Some will hold a few needles with a pocket for notions, but I already have a huge notions bag. So I developed this pattern:

(By the way, this is two needle wraps - the brown/blue one is lying on top of the green/pink one. I just realized it looks like a big gross hybrid of both wraps.) Each pocket is labeled with the size needle it will hold, the top flap folds over all the needles, and the whole thing rolls up into a neat little package. I actually made these because someone that saw mine requested some for her store. I hope she's not too horrified by some of my crooked lines.

Purses

2007-03-01T17:50:00.001-05:00

I don't care what my husband says - you can't have too many purses.

This is one of the first purses I ever made:

I LOVE Deco-Ribbon. I made a bunch of little purses for friends and relatives out of it, and I decided to use all the leftovers in one big bag.

Other side:

I decided how big of a bag I wanted, then seed-stitched the panels and a handle and sewed it all together. (You can see where I screwed up the seed stitch in the green part.) Deco-Ribbon is very stretchy, however, so when I loaded things into the bag, the handle stretched so much that the bag was down to my knees. I put it away for a while to think about it.

I finally decided to remove about half the length of the handle. I did this by folding a good bit of the handle to the inside of the bag, stitching it down, and sewing a lining into the purse to hide the whole mess:

Oh, I also added one of my "Diana's Originals" labels on the inside. Those are fun.

Still in love with the ribbon yarn. I can't remember what pattern I used for this one, and if I remember, I'll post the info. Michael's had a huge sale on Moda Dea Ticker Tape one day, so I bought a ton of it. I love that stuff.

Behold the amount of stretch this stuff has:

That's a pound skein of Caron mustard yarn - and I don't know why this photo is so purple. But you can really cram stuff in that bag. I used this as my carry-on when we flew to San Diego. It held my wallet, phone, Security-Approved Denise knitting needles, yarn, pattern, snack, reading material, and a water bottle until I was forced to throw it away. The thing just keeps stretching.

Pattern: Stitch'n'Bitch Book (the first one), p. 169 "Chinese Charm Bag"
Yarn: Red one - some great hand-dyed cotton/acrylic I bought in Denver. Blue one - either the cotton I bought off Ebay and hand-dyed, or Patagonia, or Araucania Nature Cotton. I seriously can't remember. But it's great, whatever it is.

Aren't these cute? I bought those little Buddha charms at a scrapbooking store (not that you can tell what they are in this photo), and I've been putting them on everything.

By the way, I machine-sew all the edges and seams in the linings, but I always hand-sew them into the bag. Lots of people claim to machine sew the linings into the bag, but they're obviously not using my sewing machine to do it. My machine HATES that. It chews and growls and eats half the purse before I can wrestle it free.

This purse is knit using sliced up plastic shopping bags as seen on Knitty Gritty. I couldn't get a better shot of it, as it has no ability to hold itself up properly, so this sort of looks like a crime scene photo. I think it's a great purse, and it's fun to identify all the bags - blue printing for Kroger, green for Publix, and that strange yellowish blotch in the middle is a Home Depot bag. I think of this as "stunt knitting," where you knit with something just to see if you can do it.

Moral: Become a knitter and have all the purses you could ever hope for.

Stuffed Stuff

2007-03-01T17:49:00.002-05:00

Onward to my adventures in sewing!

Xmas was a cheap-n-crafty one at my house last year, starting with these little fleece monsters:

The pattern is my own design, which is why the little dudes are so misshapen and lumpy.

Some friends of ours have a daughter that absolutely loves "Monsters, Inc.," so I decided to make Mike and Sulley. Sulley is a different color in my mind than in real life:

Oh, well. Also, be cowed by the majesty of my white plastic Xmas tree.

Here's Mike:

[Big thanks to Brother Dan the Man for the name correction. Don't believe everything you read on Google Images.] I did not trust my sewing skills enough to attempt individual teeth, so I colored his and Mike's mouths in with a Sharpie. Not the greatest result but I couldn't really think of a better way to pull it off. If I had sewn individual teeth, they'd be all scary and crooked and raggedy and not really the type of thing a child would want to sleep with. Maybe next time I'll glue them on.

We visited some friends in San Diego and had a little stingray "adventure." So for Xmas I made them a stingray of their very own. In all likelihood their dog has probably eaten it by now:

Awww! He's cute AND menacing.

I made this lumpy-ass pillow for the Tennessee fan on my list:

That's it for the Xmas presents and the sewing. Here's something I knit for myself to cuddle in bed:

That's right, it's my hot boyfriend Rob Zombie! I made him based on the pattern in Knit.1 Spring/Summer 2005 for Robot Keychains. I used various leftover acrylic, and I used Red Heart "Symphony" in Juniper for his hair which turned out awesome. I did not make the sweater - I bought that at Joanne's.

With this next one I don't remember what I was attempting. But when I was finished I decided he looked like a little choad, so I named him "Richard":

And last but not least, here's an oldie but a goodie, whipped up for a Roller Derby fundraiser and also based on the Robot Keychain pattern - it's L'il Danzig!

Isn't he cute? Note the massive biceps and inflated ego. I made the belt buckle and necklace out of silver Fimo, and the tag is a woodblock print I made. I like to hand those out sometimes to deserving folks.

That's it for the stuffed animals. I think I'll do the purses next.

Etching - Beautiful But Deadly

2007-03-01T17:49:00.001-05:00

The AntiCraft has a blog about etching that made the whole thing sound really accessible. So I decided to give it a whirl.

I purchased a container of Armour Etch for $17.99 at the Hobby Lobby. Yeah, it's a little pricey, but there's big payoff. (Just for kicks, stop by the etching aisle one day, pick up a bottle, and read the warning label. It's pretty scary.) I also got a package of popsicle sticks and a roll of contact paper. I already have the Sharpie, exacto knife and surgical gloves.

We have a ton of juice glasses that we hardly ever use, and I also have a giant glass mug that I have found absolutely no use for. These became my victims. I Windexed the glasses and attached contact paper to each. (DO spring for the Windex. Generic glass cleaner sucks ass, and I am usually a huge fan of generics, as I am a cheap mofo.) AntiCraft suggested monsters, but I'm more of a skull girl, so I sketched out a boy and girl skull on the juice glasses and a skull with crossbones on the big mug.

I cut out the boy skull first, slathered it with paste (while wearing surgical gloves), and set the kitchen timer for 5 minutes. While the cream ate away the first glass, I cut out the girl on the second one. After five minutes you have to rinse away the paste while trying to not get any on the parts of the glass you don't want to etch. This can be tricky. Then pull off the contact paper, Windex the glasses, and Voila! you have your etching.

By the way, pulling off the contact paper and Windexing are more easily done without the gloves on. In addition, the paste works IMMEDIATELY, and if there is any on your glove and you touch the glass, it will start etching. I go through a lot of disposable gloves during these projects.

Here are my first attempts at etching:

Not bad, but don't look too close.

My grand plan was to etch some beer glasses with Rorschach blots for my friend that is a therapist. I thought it would be fun for her to analyze her drunk friends (me) at parties.

Good old reliable Google Images provided the blots, which I traced onto contact paper and applied to some beer glasses I got at Goodwill. (I didn't want to get some expensive ones and then screw it up - best to go cheap. That's my motto!!) For these blots, I traced the pattern on the contact paper before attaching it to the glass. I didn't with the practice ones.

I did the first four blots in the series. Of course she now wants the other six, so I need to go beerglass shopping:

After that I became an etching fool. One night while watching a sci-fi movie marathon on AMC, I decided to etch the movie posters for "Destination Moon" and "The Blob":

Then Xmas rolled around, and my knitting group drew names. In a bit of twisted karma, the vegetarian (me again) drew the huntress in our group. So I etched a vase that depicts her in her deer stand taking dead aim at Bambi:

View of the forest:

The tree stand:

AntiCraft suggests reusing the etching paste, as it is costly, but I didn't want to try that with these gifts. I have a big project planned in which I will attempt to reuse the paste, and I will report back.

One more thing - try not to breathe in too much of the fumes while you're doing this. I did get a little light-headed after a while. The Sharpie probably didn't help matters.

Crap I Have Made For Gaby

2007-03-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

This is what Gaby got for Xmas last year:

It started off as a lovely painting of a Great Dane (I think?) until the little guy started running around with a very materialistic crowd. Suddenly he found himself wearing a grill, a medallion, and bootleg NBA gear, and getting tattooed. He also became the proud owner of a gold-plated Hummer. Bad dog!

Her birthday present was a little more involved. It started with this poster and a dream:

I bought a blank wooden plaque and a clock kit at Hobby Lobby. For some reason there was a box of acrylic epoxy in my garage. I've had it for years and never used it - EnviroTex Lite Pour On High Gloss Finish, 16 oz package. Luckily, all the new-fangled craft shows on DIY and whatever that other home channel is have all been pouring this type of acrylic lately, so I had all the steps pretty much memorized and knew all the tricks.

I decided what part of Tupac I wanted to show on the plaque, and traced around the plaque. I cut him out, then decoupaged him to the wooden board. I sprayed the back of the poster with water first, which one of the craft shows said would keep it from bubbling, but it really didn't. I might not have used enough water. In retrospect I should have used a brayer. But I had purchased two posters and two plaques just in case I screwed it up, so I kept going.

After he dried I trimmed closer to the board with an exacto knife. I decided I wanted the sides of the plaque to be gold, but I know from experience that the gold paint I have is pretty watery and transparent no matter how thickly I put it on. So I first painted the sides with black acrylic paint. This also served to cover up any messy bits of bad trimming.

Trimming Tupac out to look his best left some bits of his name where I didn't want them. I had "AC" and a big squiggle to cover up, so I used a wash of white acrylic paint. The wash didn't work very well - oil is much better for washes - so I ended up really just painting and trying to blur the edges.

After all that business was dry, it was time to mix up the acrylic. Talk about paranoia - this was the serious point of no return. I read the directions about a million times, used a level to make sure Tupac was lying flat on the raised blocks I was using, and mixed up the proper amount of acrylic coating. It pours on really thick, so there was no need to shore up the sides with tape or anything. I smeared it around to make sure it coated the whole plaque. Then it was time to monitor for drips. It did pretty well, but there was one area of the plaque that would not stop dripping, despite the fact that I babysat it for an hour and half. Ultimately I was forced to go on with my life and just let it do its thing. It had to cure for 72 hours.

On Sunday I wrangled the husband into the garage to get ready to drill the hole for my clock kit. First of all the clock kit I purchased had a stem that was too short to make it all the way through the clock and the acrylic coating, so I had to go to Joanne's. (I would have gone to Hobby Lobby, but they're home with their "families and their God" on Sundays.) I returned with the correct size, and we began planning for the hole.

I was absolutely terrified that the acrylic would shatter, so I didn't make it very easy for my husband to do his job. I put some tape over Tupac's eyes so he didn't have to watch, and I went inside the house to sob and rock back and forth in the corner. A few seconds later my husband called out, "It's done." I ran out madly to check the hole, and it was perfect. He also put a hanger on the back and sanded off the few drips I didn't catch. Thanks, Honey.

The clock stem was a very close fit and almost too short again, so I glued the base to the back with E6000, and I cannot say enough good things about E6000. I attached the hands, put the battery in, set the time, and here he is:

I think he turned out pretty damned good.

Here's the back:

I gave Gaby the extra poster to do with as she wishes. I have not decided what to do with the extra plaque, but I do believe another clock is in order. I have just enough acrylic coating to do another plaque that size, and I love the result.

My goal is to fill Gaby's entire house with shit that I made for her, so her house becomes a living shrine to our love.

Up next: Etching

Etcetera

2007-03-01T17:47:00.001-05:00

Here's some of the stuff I left out of the last post due to technical difficulties.

Jordan's cardigan:

Pattern: Lion Brand free pattern for Unisex Drop-sleeve Cardigan that I cannot find on their website now. Whatever.
Yarn: Caron Pound of Love, and also apparently some Red Heart that you can totally see on the sleeves. I assume that's what happened, as it only shows up in the photograph. Nobody tell Jordan about that.

Here's the back:

Please ignore the dumbass at the bottom.

The skull is from a free pattern I found here. I duplicate stitched it onto the sweater and added the bones because Jordan fancies himself a pirate.

Now for some paintings. As promised, I shot before pictures this time. Here they are:

The first one obviously needed Jesus in it:

The husband pointed out that this is Jesus as portrayed by Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds." Here's a closeup of his mythical bretheren Nessie and Bigfoot:

This one is 13 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I've been asked to provide those numbers elsewhere, so there you have it.

The second painting cried out for yetis:

Here's a closeup:

This one is 19 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I think the yetis turned out pretty cute, but I started wondering if maybe I should have made one giant yeti instead.

Next up: Crap I Have Made For Gaby.

Decoupage Kit Box

2007-03-01T17:46:00.001-05:00

When we first started the Atlanta Rollergirls, everyone was shopping like crazy. Someone got the idea to order these old-style skate boxes to carry our stuff around in. When we had all our necessary equipment, such as pads and helmets, the boxes were not big enough to hold any of it, so only a few girls continued using them. I was not one of them. But I liked the box so I hung on to it.

One day I decided I was sick of keeping my decoupage crap in a million different places. I noticed the skate box gathering dust in the guest room and started making plans to use it to build a kit to haul my decoupage stuff around in.

Of course I did not take a photo of the box before I started. I swear that I will do that from now on. Just picture this box in all black with the patterned gray interior that you can still see under the ephemera.

Behold:

Spongebob is going for the touchdown and Elvis is unable to stop him! The background is some awesome wrapping paper we got on a gift from some friends, and I kept every scrap.

Here's the bottom:

Does that poodle remind anyone else of Kimora Lee Simmons? The center piece is a lenticular print of a monkey busting ass while he tries to rollerskate. Monkeys are instant comedy.

The husband thought these dials would look James Bond-y on the top:

All I know is I'm not trying to get that shit through airport security. I added duct tape to the handle because there's a seam in the plastic that makes it painful to carry.

One side:

Other side:

Bottom side:

Beastie beastie beastie beastie boys gettin' live on the spot....

Okay, let's open her up:

Ball fringe - Check. Cupie Doll - Check. Rammstein sticker - Check. Football card with super-hot quarterback boyfriend Mark Brunell's stats - Check. And gentlemen prefer Mod Podge.

I've glued elastic in to hold my sponge brushes and scissors, which are very important. At least as important as Dr. Dre.

FYI - Mary is in there because there's no law against athiests enjoying iconography.

Here's the bottom with the stuff out of it:

And another view:

And here's my EIGHT DOLLAR ACCORDIAN FILE, thank you very much Staples, that I used to finally organize my photos:

My organizational system is highly complex, but I'll attempt to explain it. I have small b/w, medium b/w, and large b/w. Then I have small color, medium color, and large color. Very tricky. Oh, I also have a section for stickers and etc. I hope that didn't blow your mind.

Paintings

2007-03-01T17:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I get a wild hair up my ass and I decide to paint a canvas. Here's the typical result:
Yeah, that's a pretty bad black panther. But we haven't insulted any celebrities yet...
Ahhh... that's better! My apologies to Mr. Hasselhoff. And it's a good thing for Elvis Presley that my photo of "Glitter King" won't load for some reason.

Here's one I actually like:

Just a nice little planetscape that's not offending anyone. These three are 16x20.

I recently have begun purchasing original artwork at thrift stores and adding stuff to it. Again, I did not take before photos of the following, but I will from now on.

The first one was a nice little painting of a shrimp boat, or something, until one day it was descended upon by a hoard of UFOs:

Here's a brighter photo of it, except there's a horrible glare:

This is more true to the actual colors in the painting. I just add my name under the original artist's name, and there you have it - a collaboration! I didn't add the rope. It came that way. Nice.

The next one was a sweet, serene landscape...

...until I added the skulls and bones piled up on the sand:

And the left side:

This one and the shrimp boat went to Zeppo and her husband for Xmas. I made one other, and I think that will be in a blog entitled "Crap I Have Made For Gaby." It would be included here, but apparently those photos didn't make it onto Flickr either. Stupid Mac.

Sweaters

2007-03-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

Boy, have I made a lot of sweaters! I didn't realize it until I started photographing them. I should mention that I'm allergic to wool, which is why acrylic is my jam.

Let's start with the Ugliest Sweater Ever:
Pattern: Interweave Knits Spring 2004, p. 92 "Striped Angora Raglan"
Yarn: Various leftover acrylic, including the itchiest gray yarn-that-isn't-wool EVER INVENTED.

I deliberately chose yarn that would not work together in order to concoct the ugliest sweater of all time. Amazingly, you would not believe the amount of compliments I have received on it. HA! I guess there really is no accounting for taste.

The sweater is knit completely in the round, from the bottom up. When you reach the sleeve area, you cast off a few stitches under each armpit, then work the sleeves in the round from the ribbing up. The sleeves are attached at the beginning and end of the cast-off point, and the sweater is worked in the round from that point up, decreasing where the raglan lines appear. Then you sew up the underarms. It's the easiest sweater pattern I've ever used, however you must have the waist measurement perfect before you start because there is no adjusting once you've started.

I went a little bigger with the following two sweaters, skipped the stripes, and embroidered a design on the front:

Supa Fly

Object That Shall Not Be Named

I won't tell you what this is supposed to be because I love to hear the guesses. I thought it was obvious until people started coming up to me and asking, "What the hell is that??" My two favorite guesses are Baked Alaska and "that thing the elephants in the circus stand on." Also, on these two the yarn is most likely Caron "Pound of Love" acrylic because it's totally cheap.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Winter 2003/04, p. 77 "All About Ease"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Celery

I loved the star button so I improvised a massive buttonhole in order to accommodate it. Not a very attractive buttonhole end product, but it works, the sweater's warm, and it's perfect for wearing around the house. I still haven't figured out how to wear that neckline, as you can tell. I love TLC Amore even though it can get a little splitty when you're trying to work with it. It's sturdy and cheap. Did I mention I'm cheap? When you knit as much as I do, you can't be a yarn snob very often.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Spring/Summer 2004, p. 78 "Jacket Required"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Raspberry

My first hood and my first zipper. I wear this one all the time, too. Also, it's not as misshapen as these photos would lead you to believe.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring Summer 2004, p. 29, pattern #4 "Striped Crew Neck"
Yarn: random leftover acrylic
Intarsia Skull: stolen from Glarkware girly skull "Death Wears a Cute Bow"

The husband said, "I know you're not bringing 12 balls of yarn on vacation to Denver." I said, "Shut up."

Pattern: generated from software during a "knit-along." Don't ask about the knit-along.
Yarn: I can't remember, I can't find the label, but if I figure it out I'll get back to you. I am sure that it's 100% acrylic. Oh, and I loved working with it. It's really soft.

The pattern-generating software was supposed to design a perfect fit based on your measurements. It didn't. I included this sweater because I used "The Sweater Workshop" by Jacqueline Fee to add pockets, and though I should have made them a bit bigger, I was very pleased with the result. I also used some really nifty German coin buttons that I found at Hobby Lobby. And I really like that green. But the sleeves are too long and the whole thing is generally too big.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring/Summer 2005, p. 62, pattern #29 "Relaxed Pullover"
Yarn: Lion Cotton Ease (50/50 Acrylic/Cotton), color Bubblegum; leftover green acrylic

I need to be better about taking "before" photos when I alter something, because this sweater had three stages. The pattern was wonky, so the long ballerina sleeves were inches too long and belled out in a ridiculous fashion, and I hated the wide neckline. I decided to shorten the sleeves to 3/4 length and add ribbing to them and also to the neckline. At that point the sleeves turned into puffy clown sleeves which were quite unflattering, and I hated them. So I ripped them out again and made them shorter. I then decided to duplicate stitch the robot's head from this Old Navy notebook cover:

And there you have it.

The next item is not exactly a sweater, and something I should also have taken a before picture of. It was a regular old Russell Athletic hoodie, but I never liked the way it fit. The sleeves were too tight, the neck was too tight, and I think I bought it because I was cold and it was on the sale rack. (There is a down side to being cheap.)

I recently saw a photo of some fashion model wearing a short-sleeved sweatshirt and was intrigued, so I decided to chop mine up since it couldn't get any worse. I cut the sleeves off, removed the waistband, and used the waistband to make new sleeve cuffs. I also notched out the neck to fit my big mushroom head better. I resewed the bottom of the pocket closed, as the waistband had been holding it together, sewed the sides of the new neckline to keep it from fraying, and painted an octopus on the front with acrylic paint.

Octopus close up:

I turn it inside out when I wash it, and it seems to be holding up okay.

It's alive! ALIVE!

2007-03-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

Everybody has a craft blog, right? So why not me? I started blogging about my crafts on the Church of Craft myspace page, but that feels too temporary and unstable. So I'm going to try to transfer that stuff over here.

We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll craft. The Doctor is in.