Skull Beach II

I don't really like this painting. To be honest, I didn't really like it that much when I bought it, but I thought I could improve it. Here's what it looked like at first:


And here's what I did to it:

Unfortunately, it has a weird perspective in that the flowers in the front are huge as compared to the lighthouse and birds. So whatever I put in it had to be huge. If I had added many small skulls, they would have looked like tiny Rhesus Monkey skulls instead of human skulls. I had to go with one big one instead. Also, the flowers are abstract whereas the lighthouse and sunbeams are more realistic. So I don't think this was a great choice for altering. C'est la vie.

However, I LOVE how the frame turned out. I bought a black frame at Hobby Lobby which did not go with the painting, but it's 12"x16" so I had to take what I could get, and sprayed it with this aerosol "granite" paint that I found in my garage. It's so bad it's good. I love how the hideous purple "granite" sets off the hideous purple in the painting. I've got two more cans of it!

Anyway, you live and learn. The next one will be better, I promise.

Office Luchador

My coworker knows that I knit, and he accidentally found some bizarre photos and sent them over to me with the comment "Can you make some of these? Please?" I told him I had been looking for a pattern for those for about a year with no luck. About five minutes later he called me and said, "I don't know what a knitting pattern looks like, but I think I found one." Indeed he had. If you are not familiar with these, you're in for a treat. Check it out:

Armed Robbery for the Holidays

His favorite was the red boy's balaclava, so I took that pattern and combined it with the adult man's balaclava pattern so it would fit his head. He's quite pleased with the result:
Apparently he's so pleased that he's fallen asleep. And we're very pleased that we have our very own office luchador. Orale!

Wheels on Fire, Burnin' Down the Road

This is the sister painting to the lakescape painting below. They were done by the same gentleman in 1968. I know this because he helpfully filled out the label on the back of the board.

Before:After:
Close up:

In other news, I have finished the brown stash sweater, and one other thing that I think you'll enjoy. I'll post those soon.

Craft Pile-up

We've had numerous technical difficulties at home lately, but crafting stops for no man. So I'm back in action, and I have a whole pile of crafts to share.

Let me begin by saying that Ready Made magazine has exactly one more subscription cycle to impress me. And they only have that because a friend renewed it for me as a gift. But there's usually one tip I can use (and afford) in each issue, and this month it's the one where they used chicken wire and housepaint to "update" a skirt. I don't have chicken wire, but I do have some left-over strips of that rubber mat stuff that you put under throw rugs. So I took a cherry-print blazer that I've never really looked good in (I'm not really a cherry-print person), a rubber stamp of a house fly and a rubber stamp of a 50's style family, some acrylic Mars Black paint, and went at the blazer in this manner:Now it looks like it's been run over by a car. But that's fine. I like it better this way.

On to knitting! If you knit or crochet, you're familiar with the Stash. For civilians, the Stash is the leftover pile of one-skeins you have after you complete projects. Yarn costs money, so you're hard-pressed to throw it out, and plus you might be able to use it for embroidery or small projects later. It piles up and piles up until your husband starts wondering why the closet door won't close, or why his stuff's being tossed out to make room for more yarn. That's when a Stash-busting project comes in handy.

Here's what I did with my green Stash:I used the pattern in Interweave Knits Spring 2004, p. 92 for the "Striped Angora Raglan," the same pattern I used for the Ugliest Sweater Ever, the Housefly Sweater, and the "Object that Shall Not Be Named" Sweater, AKA the Easiest Sweater Pattern In The World. And I used all leftover worsted weight acrylic. I just used each ball until it ran out, then picked a new one. I tossed in some orange because I just really dig that orange. Oh, and I embroidered a skull on the bottom because that's how I roll. I've already started a sweater using my brown Stash.

If you do something like this, you definitely want to use yarn that's identical except for the color, because otherwise your gauge will be all over the place and you won't be able to clean it properly. (Unless that's what you're going for, in which case knock yourself out!) With 100% "Cheap'n'Shitty" acrylic, this baby goes right in the washer and dryer with no problems. Except when it gets attacked by the velcro that is seemingly ALL OVER my husband's clothing. (Note the fuzzy bits around the collar and left sleeve where I wrestled some pants free.)

Next up: I have done another painting. I really hoped I had taken a before photo of this painting. Of course I did not. So you're going to have to use your imagination.All I did was add the planets to the sky and the reflection in the water. Here's a close up of the planets: I think it turned out pretty good. With the frame it's about 16"x12". I'm just calling it "Lakescape."

The last item here is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Okay, maybe not, but I sure did love Shrinky Dinks when I was a kid, and now they're back! I forced one of my Craft Agents to find me some Shrinky Dinks because I can't find them anywhere. She came through in a big way, delivering packages of bright white, transparent, something called "fuzzy," and inkjet printer versions of Shrinky Dinks. Last night I eagerly dug out my G.B.H cds and pored through the liner notes looking for things to trace. I chose the giant black and white logo from "City Baby Attacked By Rats" (minus "CHARGED") and the rad little skulls from "Midnight Madness and Beyond...." I traced the pictures with sharpies, trimmed them out with a paper cutter, punched holes with a regular hole punch, and shrank them up. I attached all the bits with jump rings, harvested a clasp from some old jewelry I have lying around, and came up with this:That's pretty much the punkest Shrinky Dink bracelet ever.

According to the directions, you're supposed to coat it with spray varnish when you're done. What the directions don't tell you is that when you do your 'Dinks will bleed. Behold the bleeding on the G.B.H in the bottom photo. Perhaps I sprayed too heavily, or perhaps the people at Shrinky Dinks, Inc. are a pack of liars. Whatever the case, it's still pretty rad. Next time I do this, which will probably be in about an hour, I will round the corners, because I have already cut both my husband and myself. Which is pretty goddamned punk rock.

That's it for now. Sorry about how long it takes this blog to load, but I can't think of a way for you to appreciate my crafting genius without photos. One day perhaps, but not today.

Toiletzilla

My friend Shawn sent me this email:

Hey you know those stupid things old ladies have that sit on their toilet tank that are little crocheted (I don't know if that's correct, but it's the first way I typed it and spell check let it be so...) women that their dress covers up a spare roll of toilet paper? Damn, that's a long question! What with you being the master of the needles (are they called needles? Hell I don't know!), do you think you could make me one that's some kinda monster or something?

I just went to take a dump and didn't notice that there was hardly any paper left until I was "goin at it" and suddenly those "stupid things" didn't seem so stupid.

I was intrigued. Yes, indeed, those things are crocheted, and I do not crochet. I can't stand crocheting, and I don't plan to ever do it again. But I was convinced I could knit just such a toilet paper cover. I just needed some time to work out the pattern, or rather, assemble the bits I needed from other patterns I was familiar with and had worked for me in the past. I used leftover acrylic (my fave) and #6 needles because I wanted a close knit that wouldn't show off the toilet roll inside.

The first issue was the top part of the cover as it would have to be round and flat. I really enjoyed making the flower washcloths in the book "Weekend Knitting" by Melanie Falick. The center part is knit in the round with a lot of decreases to make it flat. I used that for the top part of the toilet roll cover. Once that was done, I picked up stitches all around the outside edge, then knit in the round to make a long stockinette tube the size of the roll of paper. To prevent too much rolling, I did three rows of garter stitch at the end (in the round, that means knit one row, purl the next) and then bound off.

Issue number two was his head. I decided I wanted a substantial head, about half the width of the top. So I divided the number of stitches I had cast on for the top in half, and I cast that many onto my straight needles. I knit three rows of garter stitch to give me something to attach to the top, then knit stockinette until I decided it was time to start reducing, about 2". I evenly spaced out some decreases (I think 3? Sorry, he's already been gifted.) to make his head sort of rounded. I cut the yarn and drew through the last few stitches. Then I embroidered his mouth and attached his eyes. The ladies in my craft group correctly pointed out that Godzilla has an angry brow, so I embroidered that and then noticed that he couldn't breathe, so I added some nostrils. Then I sewed up the back seam. I stuffed him with polyfill and attached the head to the "body."

The last issue was the plates down his back. I had made a friend's dog a dinosaur sweater that has plates down the back using the Patons pattern book called "Another Dog's Life." But those were too big for this project, so I made tinier versions and decreased the size of each plate as they climbed up his back towards his head. Also, I made them out of the darker green that I used for the eyebrow and nostrils to give him a little variety. Once those were done I attached them up his back, and here's what he looks like:He's so cute when he's angry! (In case you're wondering, that's a lenticular print of toucans that we have over the toilet in our Tiki Bathroom. That's why the birds look wack.)

I took a vote of the craft group on whether or not to give him tiny, useless hands such as the real Godzilla has. (That's right, I said REAL.) We decided we liked the way he looked as is. I also didn't want to get into making him a tail, and I felt that would be the next step after hands and feet. So I left him limbless. Once he finds out what his station in life is destined to be, it's probably best that he doesn't have them.

I'm pleased at the way he came out. Shawn was really pleased with the result, and that's all that matters. But I do enjoy a good challenge.

I haven't reproduced all my silly notes and stitch counts for a few reasons:
1. I never EVER get the same gauge that the rest of the world apparently gets;
2. My notes are boring and tedious; and
3. I kind of want to get across the idea of experimentation rather than following regimented patterns. If you're inspired by Toiletzilla, go forth and make your own knitted toilet roll covers using whatever tools and patterns you have in your arsenal. Experiment! Go nuts!

However, if you do really want to hear all my numbers, holla and I'll get them over to you. Just be forewarned that you might end up with a spare tire cover instead of a toilet roll cover, because I can't explain why I never get proper gauge. Ever. Not once.

I guess that's just how I "roll." Ahem.

Frigging in the Rigging

Everything was going just fine. The seagulls circled, there was a beautiful sunset, and the waves were breaking against the shore:Then this happened:Oh no! Those poor fishermen or whatever! Close up:'Twas an ugly day at sea.
(An ugly 11 1/2" x 13 1/2" day.)

Stick Your Head Between Your Legs...

...and Kiss Your Ass Goodbye is the title of my latest work. This is how I found it:

This is what I did to it:

Here's a close up:

You can see that it's a very weird shape. It's 7x9" and it sticks an inch and a quarter off the wall. The canvas wraps around the bizarre little frame in an intriguing-slash-pretentious way. I decided to not get too technical with the perspective because I could never pull that off. I think it turned out well. Not well for those poor folks... but you know what I mean.