To My Sisterwife: And Other Random Cards

Y'all, these pics have been piling up. Let's keep powering through them.

My Sisterwife is now dating Ex-Husband, so we are closer than ever to literally being Sisterwives. And I live in Utah now so we could make it really official. Anyway I love her dearly, and I am very happy for them. So I made this for her birthday. If I remember correctly I used some thin cardboard sheets cut into squares, duct taped them together, and covered them in acrylic paint:

And the squiggly lines are probably my Jelly Roll pen because I love that thing so much.

Thanks again to whomever it was that gave me the book of hair metal. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Judging by the spacing job on that last page, I may have been a bit drunk. At least I hope I was.

I'll just fill in the rest of this post with some other random cards, and say again that I love my die cutter and I love embossing powder.

I made this one for my surrogate mom. I really like that die even though it's a bitch to clean up after.

This is a tag I made that I'm particularly proud of:

Embossing powder just makes everything look pro. It's the best.

Hooray, all the cards are cleared out of the backlog!! Plenty of other nonsense in there though, don't worry. I stay busy. Peace out.

2017 Xmas Gifts: Part Two

Continuing on, these are the cards KC/DC got:

I got obsessed with that pig man on American Horror Story and couldn't stop watercoloring him. So I just kept going:

Then I decided he needed some clown makeup.

I was fairly pleased with how these came out. And I decided I wanted to make a case for them. I dug out my Wonderflex, which is a thermal plastic that can be shaped when heated with a heat gun. It can also be painted with acrylic paint:

I glued some metal studs on the side and adhered this picture on the inside:

Here's the gift ready to go:

As proud as I am to finally have these up and out of the backlog, I'm sure that's not the end of 2017. And I'm counting the minutes until camping this weekend, so I'll keep digging...

2017 Xmas Gifts: Part One

Yep, I never did post those. No time like the present! SWIDT

Last year I watercolored blank card sets for the BFF, KC/DC, and Ex-Husband. We'll start with him.

The Ex-Husband is a big old music nerd. So I watercolored some of his favorite musicians:

I had to hold her at that weird angle to take the reflection off the gold embossing.

Ditto for Bob Log and the silver lettering.

R.I.P. Wesley. Those are three of his favorite artists. He doesn't actually like Dave Matthews, but we keep pretending he does, and the joke will never get old. Therefore:

Hahahahaha! Aaahhh. Good times.

The BFF is completely in love with his own antics, so I based his card set on scenes from his life:

I used my shimmer pen there for a nice gravy sheen.

KC/DC got 8 cards and a carry case, so I'm going to stop here and make hers into Part Two....

Widowna Spyder And Other News

Compared to Hotlanta, Utah has zero bugs. It is awesome! But the Basement Bunker does get random ants during the "warm" periods when the temp gets over like 35 degrees. The latest Bunker issue is flying ants. For the record, I don't care for them. So I did not question why they disappeared. One day I looked under my bathroom sink:

Behold Widowna Spyder, the black widow! I named her after the Cowboy's Hollywood girlfriend so he won't kill her. He is a little uncomfortable, mostly with the fact that she's been there for two weeks and I only mentioned it last night. Keep eating those flying ants, girlfriend! And please don't give birth to a million babies. Thanks.

Continuing to sort through the rubble, let's see what randomness is lurking around...

I bought this cow skull on our trip to Moab, then covered it in chalkboard paint:

These were my xmas cards:

A little fold-out stand on the back allows it to perch on your shelf for eternity so you never ever have reason to throw it away. [Incidentally, Utah's shape is really useful for crafting.]

There's a dairy here that produces some terrible shit called Rootbeer Milk. It tastes just like those tiny rootbeer hard candies, but only for 1.5 seconds, and then the weird chemical taste kicks in. The Cowboy looovves it. Here's how I feel about it:

I cross stitched the t-rex pattern from the Greatest Cross Stitch Book Ever Written, Makato's Cross-Stitch Super Collection, using glow-in-the-dark floss which looks very impressive when you hold it directly on a lightbulb for like 2 whole minutes:

I hung on to it, and then when I moved here I kept seeing billboards for Utahraptor, so I knew what had to be done:

Do not credit Makato for that masterful lettering. That's all me.

And last but not least, here's N.U.T.S.A.C. Brother Cody running a Car Cookies clinic last summer in the parking lot:

His car smelled delicious for the rest of the week. Line forms to the left, ladies! You know you love a man that can bake. *SWOON*

N.U.T.S.A.C. Field Report

Still putting the new Shartwork up over here: drcraftenstein.com, but the very shartiest I save for you, dear reader.

Couple of promotions to announce - Former N.U.T.S.A.C. "Rookie of the Year" Chili Bowl has proven himself truly worthy of the title "Agent." Congratulations, Chili Bowl! In recognition of his diligent assclownery efforts, we presented him with this handsome plaque:

In addition, Agent Chili Bowl's brother Balzac is proving to be the top contender for N.U.T.S.A.C. "Rookie of the Year 2014." In addition to fully immersing himself in any and every N.U.T.S.A.C. mission, Balzac stays focused in his off hours, bringing assclownery, piracy, and church burnings to the good citizens of Minecraft. (Also he was super cool about me covering his room with Justin Bieber duct tape.)

To officially mark Balzac's acceptance into N.U.T.S.A.C.'s Elite Rookie Program, we were pleased to present him with this handsome plaque:

Special thanks to Friend of N.U.T.S.A.C. Brunofsky for the sweet ass alien:

You are truly doing the lord's work.

And finally, I found this beautiful lady at the new Goodwill that just opened near my house. The organization embraced her immediately. Behold, N.U.T.S.A.C. Nana!

A classy dame deserves a classy frame, so I sanded down a black one and repainted it white, failed to take a photo of that, and now her comforting cottony head guards over my studio. Hooray for Nana!!

FYI: I have taped those letters into a permanent stencil. Consider yourselves warned.

***END OF REPORT***

N.U.T.S.A.C. Rolls Deep

My paramilitary assclownery organization Got Real for last year's Dragon*Con because I decided it was high time for official gear. When did I decide this? I think like three weeks out from the Con. Why? Because that is the way of N.U.T.S.A.C.

Working my fingers to the bone, I somehow managed to hand embroider all of these Agent patches in the nick of time:

It seems I failed to take a photo of the patch I made for 2012 N.U.T.S.A.C. Rookie of the Year, Agent Chili Bowl. Well, it looks pretty much the same.

And for the Wingmen:

Viper is our Four Star Wingman, being that he is the only sober adult member of the organization. Viper suffers, friends. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Iceman heads up our International Wingman Division, and earns his Three Stars providing on-call Wingman support to the UK. Iceman keeps our borders safe from intoxicated Brits, is what I'm telling you. VERRRRY intoxicated Brits.

And of course N.U.T.S.A.C. would not even exist without Cougar, whose ready supply of bail money and diplomacy keeps my Co-CEO on the streets. She suffers, friends. Please keep her in your thoughts. (I also failed to photograph Wingman Slider's patch, AKA Agent Poopstuff. Poopstuff is proving himself to be a solid Wingman, and an asset to the organization.)

We needed something to sew these Official Patches to, so I (again, like a week out) painted us up some vests. Here they are in action:

I didn't get a chance to paint Mopey's. RIP little dude. :(

AND I MADE BUBBA A LITTLE VEST!!!!

I thought I had a better photo of it, but I had to work quickly because he was clawing my friend's shirt off. N.U.T.S.A.C. REPRAZENT!!