Teen Idol Fever

So my 8-year-old niece is totally obsessed with the Jonas Brothers. Or at least she was last Xmas, who knows what she's moved onto in the last 7 months. She's pretty fickle. Anyhoo, I found this little box in the thrift store:

Then I went to the store and purchased BOP! magazine. When I used to get BOP! it was filled with Duran Duran, Adam Ant, Madonna, all the 80s staples. Now it's absolutely jam packed with children. And surveys. "Which tarted up 10-year-old TV Star are you??????" "Which of the 17 Jonas Brothers will you marry?????" "EAT PIZZA?? WHICH PIZZA???" "THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA!!!!" Every single page is migraine-inducing. God I'm old.

In the name of crafting I put on my sunglasses, unlocked my jaw, and soldiered through, ferreting out the Jonii and clipping them free from their neon hell. I spray painted the box gold, let it dry, and decoupaged the lads to the box. After some spray varnish I decided the Jonii looked lonely and scared without all that bright loud shit closing in on them, so I glued some Bedazzler gems on -- because what 8-year-old girl doesn't like sparkle??? -- and then made it worse with squiggles and hearts from a Sharpie. I hammered in some gold studs from the Bedazzler as tiny feet for the box, and here it is in all its hideous glory:

Don't ask me to name them because I have no idea. But I did learn that those "in the know" call them "the Jo Bros!"

I figure "Jo Bro" is the singular form. I'm probably wrong. Top:

And bottom:

See? I told you -- they LOVE PIZZA!! OH MY GOD THEY LOVE IT SO MUCH. The good news is that Sierra loved the box, but I gave her the decimated carcass of BOP! and I think she loved that more. And then I got the okay from her mom to get her a subscription, and apparently she loves that MORE. More than THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA EVEN?? WAIT UNTIL NEXT ISSUE TO FIND OUT!!!

I need a drink.

KISS vs the Craftenstein in the Park

I was asked to paint Paul Stanley as a zombie, with the only stipulation being "lots of chest hair." Don't be crazy - it wouldn't be Paul Stanley without a ton of chest hair!

You'll note that the undead transformation has not affected his fashion sense. Who could say no to this face?

This is one of the rare times that I actually went out and bought a blank canvas panel instead of altering an existing painting. The canvas panel in the frame was so old and moldy and warped that it wasn't worth saving, but the frame was fine, so I used it for this project and started from scratch.

If Gene Simmons is reading this, he can rest assured I am giving this as a gift and am not selling it for profit. Please don't sue me. Also I am broke so just forget it. Thanks.

Revenge Art

My friend and coworker Patti is so supportive regarding my terrible shit artwork. She reads this blog and comments on my retardo escapades, and even contributed this lovely piece to the effort:

It hangs over my craft area at home and I just love it. Sparkly eyes!!

When I found this painting I decided it would be a perfect thank you/punishment for all of her positive support over the years. Guess which part I added:

If you guessed this:

...give yourself a pat on the back. Can you believe that bush overhanging the border? And the birch trees sticking out the top? HAHAHA! Absolutely ridiculous.

I hope Patti has learned her lesson. Though truly the joke is on me right now because it's hanging in her cubicle and I have to see that bullshit every time I walk past. Well played, Patti. Well played. ;)

Postcard Round Up

Here's the postcard I received from the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap:
All of the lines are machine stitched. Isn't it lovely? And it comes with tea! Royal Mail is the best. Thank you! Here's the ones I sent:

The theme was "time" and I'm no good with vague themes so I sent both of my weak interpretations. It is my fervent hope that these postcards look better in person than they do in these terrible shots. I decoupaged the images and then sprayed clear coat on them, so the reflections were unavoidable. At any rate I'm sure my recipient will never participate in this event again.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap

I just found out about this and signed up. I hope it's not too late:


(Hopefully I've made that photo a link to the page.) This sounds like a lot of fun. I usually like to have more parameters because abstract concepts make me nervous, but I'm gonna give it a shot because it's postcard size and maybe I won't get night sweats. Hurry because today is the last day to sign up! I'll post my terrible contribution on my page and also here when I get it hammered out . And these are the other contributors.

Pig Butcher

This guy started off as a blank white unvarnished ceramic pig-chef with holes in his hands presumably for holding wooden spoons or something in the kitchen. It seemed bizarre and frightening as is, but I decided to take it further.


That's his tail back there. The whole idea is just weird. Anyway, once he was all blood spattered it was time for some tools. I found a strange little spike at the Salvation Army, along with a couple of cheese knives that I Frankensteined together to make a cleaver. The Frankensteined cleaver still kind of looked like a safe, cute cheese knife, so I went at it with the dremel and then covered it with blood:


I made his face runny so he's less Friendly Corner Butcher and more Texas Chainsaw Massacre:


Love the Krylon black primer and love the poly varnish. Whatever crap you slap down in between them comes off looking ten times better than it would otherwise.

I've got some magic happening on the easel right now. It's another request and it's breaking new ground in stupidity. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Go Beavers

I like to make the BFF's birthday special every year, because he is a very special person. And by special I mean "special." You know what I mean. So I made this for him:

He's crazy for Teen Wolf. And by crazy I mean "crazy." You know what I mean.

Then I had a request for a painting of Harry Dean Stanton. I thought this would be a good challenge and a nice break from my usual asshattery. I came up with this:

The BFF says it looks like Fredo Corleone. But that's why he gets shit like Teen Wolf.