Killamari...If You Will

I mentioned I have taken up cross-stitching, yes? Well I found what I believe to be the only cross-stitch book I will ever need: Makato's Cross-Stitch Super Collection!


I can attest that it is Not Lame! It's Very Cool! Of course Mr. Oozu follows fiber-art book Standard Protocol by providing a cross-stitch lesson and some tips, and adds ways to cross-stitch on some things you didn't know could be cross-stitched on. But mostly it's packed with a whole bunch of tiny rad patterns for things like robots, dinosaurs, skeletons, this swordfish I keep forgetting to make, all kinds of dope little stuff. I wish all books were this awesome.

The patterns are quick to stitch up, and are easily adapted if you need a color substitution. And it turns out you can combine them to create a hideous affront to God:


THE HORROR!! Dear SyFy Channel: I know what you're thinking. And you really do owe me for the countless hours I've wasted watching your terrible shitty movies. But this is not a Sharktopus -- it's a KILLAMARI!!...if you will.

I buy those tiny frames at the craft store for a couple of bucks and keep them around so I can whip up a quick gift. That weird lump on the left side of the frame is where I took out the hook and screwed it into what I decided was the top. Not attractive, but neither is DEATH BY KILLAMARI!! And if anybody has a suggestion on how to put the damn frame on in the first try, or even the third try, I'd like to hear it.

I also typed "AC/DC font" into google so I could make this for my friend who I hope doesn't actually read my blog because I haven't given it to her yet:


Kay, if you're watching, act surprised.

The BZA's 1st birthday is coming up and I've got something in the hopper right now which, with any luck, will also be an affront to God. Fingers crossed!

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap 4!

Well I kind of forgot to mention the Swap this time. Oops. The theme this time was "bloom." Here's what I received:


Frankie in Nottinghamshire (Royal Mail is the best) says the fabric is hand dyed, then stamped, then machine embroidered, then hand embroidered. It's beautiful, and way more work than I put into this abomination:


Can you believe this thing? Hey Julia, I HOPE YOU LIKE ORLANDO BLOOM. A LOT. Yeah, so I recently took up cross stitching. So there's that. Here's the back:


My last Swap postcard never did show up on the flickr group. So I figure she either didn't receive it or was so disappointed that she torched it and swore to never sign up for another Swap. I have a feeling this one might also get "lost in the mail." I wouldn't blame her one bit.

I dedicate this postcard to my hero, Daffy Duck, who taught me to always look out for Number One. Bless you, Daffy.

Squid Box

Here's the second High School Musical hat box:





And here's my shit-eating Better Homes & Gardens shot of both together:


Look how murky! I live in a cave.

"I Don't Do 'A' Material For Charity." -- Krusty the Klown

Oh Krusty! You cad.

Lately I have donated several pieces of my terrible shit "art" to raise money for charitable causes. The first was to raise money for a coworker's sister's kidney transplant. Apparently she gets to live if she can raise $10K. I donated the following two paintings that I had lying around the house:



I don't think they sold because after the sale one of the ladies cheerfully told me, "And the stuff we DIDN'T sell will go into the next yard sale!" So that's comforting. I hope they at least generate the $20 each I spent getting them framed. In case you're wondering, yeah, that's the Hoff. Who wouldn't want that??

The second charity event is an auction being held because a friend of a friend moved home to help out his terminally ill mother and then died in a motorcycle accident. Money was raised to cover his funeral expenses, and this round of fundraising is to help his mom pay her bills. I am donating the following three ceramic pieces:




That last shot is terrible. It's 2" high so I had to use the stupid macro setting. Look at the detail in the muslin. Sure, that's what I wanted in focus.

The auction is here on Facebook: James McNish Memorial Benefit and bidding starts Monday the 27th. Go buy some stuff.

I would like to say I do 'A' material for charity, except I hardly do 'A' material at all. Maybe B-. You be the judge.

BFF Means FOREVER.

Each year I like to make the BFF's birthday more magical than the last. Sometimes he actually provides the opportunity through the blessing of Drunken Texting. He may actually have been sober when he texted these old song lyrics to me, but there's no way he was sober when he wrote them. I kept them in my phone and, when the time was right (the Birthday time!), I took paint to cheap shitty canvas panel and let the glory spew forth:


I wrote the words on with Sharpie because there was a lot of text to get through and painting would have been very sloppy. Also it turns out we're dealing with two different songs, but it came through in the text as one giant ramble so I assumed it was all the same song. The BFF assures me it is much better this way.

And here he is receiving it:


I made him wear rubber gloves because it is fine art and I didn't want his greasy mitts to ruin it. He's not to be trusted. Happy Birthday, BFF!!

I did find time to make one other birthday special; my friend's nickname is KC/DC, so I decided to wrap her present in a special KC/DC box:



See how shiny it is? That's when I realized I hadn't grabbed the can of spray primer, I was actually using spray paint. Oops. So I just kept going with the black, then masked out the KC/DC with the shelf paper I use for etching, and spray painted that yellow. After that was done I did a couple of coats of spray varnish and called it a day. It wouldn't look as spotty if it had been primer, but it also wouldn't have been as Rock'N'Roll!!! Right? Am I right? Meh.

Happy Birthday to everyone!

Quite Literally the Mouth of Madness

A friend of mine with a fiendishly keen eye spotted this abomination sitting in a garbage pile in her neighborhood. Of course she thought of me when she saw it. And of course I framed it and hung it in my kitchen:


Double you. Tee. Eff. Seriously, I was only like mildly unnerved by clowns before. YEESH. I sort of hope that by possessing this talisman I will ward off any future clown attacks, sort of like holding up the Evil Eye. I suppose only time will tell.

Mount ATHF + HSM

This request started off as Elvira. Somehow we came around to Meatwad, then all three foodstuffs, then the carving needed a fourth so that's how Carl ended up there. But don't tell him that.


It's way lighter than that IRL, and I attempted to fix it, but I had about six different fights with flickr, the Mac, and the relationship between the two, somehow deleted the only good shot, etc. etc. and here we are. Screw it.

Once upon a time I found these horrible High School Musical hatboxes at TJ Maxx for like $2. They're huge, so I decided to get two of them and just sit on them a while.


I sprayed them with black primer (before I took the picture, natch, so only the lid is unpainted here) and this is what I painted on the first one:






Also I swapped out the yellow nylon string with some thin rope that I got at Michael's.

I'm sure I've complained before about the state of Michael's and how it's such a disorganized mess in there that I'm surprised they don't sell livestock. But for a year I've been going to a gym that shares a strip mall with one, and in the interest of convenience they finally wore me down. It's still a hot mess, but I'm able to navigate it a little better and I'm saving gas.

Anyhoo, that's the first hat box and I've started working on the second one. Let's just say I'm sticking to the theme.