Widowna Spyder And Other News

Compared to Hotlanta, Utah has zero bugs. It is awesome! But the Basement Bunker does get random ants during the "warm" periods when the temp gets over like 35 degrees. The latest Bunker issue is flying ants. For the record, I don't care for them. So I did not question why they disappeared. One day I looked under my bathroom sink:

Behold Widowna Spyder, the black widow! I named her after the Cowboy's Hollywood girlfriend so he won't kill her. He is a little uncomfortable, mostly with the fact that she's been there for two weeks and I only mentioned it last night. Keep eating those flying ants, girlfriend! And please don't give birth to a million babies. Thanks.

Continuing to sort through the rubble, let's see what randomness is lurking around...

I bought this cow skull on our trip to Moab, then covered it in chalkboard paint:

These were my xmas cards:

A little fold-out stand on the back allows it to perch on your shelf for eternity so you never ever have reason to throw it away. [Incidentally, Utah's shape is really useful for crafting.]

There's a dairy here that produces some terrible shit called Rootbeer Milk. It tastes just like those tiny rootbeer hard candies, but only for 1.5 seconds, and then the weird chemical taste kicks in. The Cowboy looovves it. Here's how I feel about it:

I cross stitched the t-rex pattern from the Greatest Cross Stitch Book Ever Written, Makato's Cross-Stitch Super Collection, using glow-in-the-dark floss which looks very impressive when you hold it directly on a lightbulb for like 2 whole minutes:

I hung on to it, and then when I moved here I kept seeing billboards for Utahraptor, so I knew what had to be done:

Do not credit Makato for that masterful lettering. That's all me.

And last but not least, here's N.U.T.S.A.C. Brother Cody running a Car Cookies clinic last summer in the parking lot:

His car smelled delicious for the rest of the week. Line forms to the left, ladies! You know you love a man that can bake. *SWOON*

Okay Yeah, So.....

One year ago I nuked my whole life and moved to Utah. Why Utah, you ask? Mostly because my beloved New Mexico has zero jobs, and my company has a lab in Salt Lake City that I could transfer to. Why nuke my whole life, you ask? That's a way longer story and you'd have to buy me a lot of drinks to hear it. So let's just skip that.

Before I left, Beccula helped me have a massive yardsale, and a guy bought my whole inventory of sharts! He is a blessing!! I hope that guy either makes a killing, or has the biggest bonfire ever. I wish him all the best.

And I have not stopped making stuff. One bit of news is that after spending most of my life being terrified of watercolors, I bought a set of liquid watercolors and some paper at Smith's, which is the out-West version of Kroger, except kind of combined with a Target, because Smith's pretty much has EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT. So I've been doing some shitty watercoloring:

There's more, but as anyone that spends any time over here knows, March/April is Hell Month for birthdays, so I can't show the rest until after they're delivered. I painted a Manbaby:

A couple of guest checks:

I made this little guy with clay and a plastic bat and a doll head:

Painted some gourds like tittays:

And I've made some official N.U.T.S.A.C. Sharts such as this:

The flowers really make the piece. We will miss you, Nana Rat-Thing! I embroidered a couple of birthday cards:

And found out why so many encaustic artists live out west:

Because the wax melts and dries LIKE GLASS. Oh my god, if it wasn't 29 degrees outside right now, I'd be out in my yard slinging wax and putting in my resignation at work. This particular piece is the mighty Bonneville Salt Flats which is simply the bleakest, most magical place I've ever been in my life:

I beaded a bracelet too, but I can't find the pic right now because I'm still sorting through the rubble. I'll post that later. Maybe I won't wait a whole year!

I have been to Zion, Moab, the Mighty Salt Flats, fired an AK in the desert which was funner'n'hell, hiked up a waterfall, seen a gas station camel, eaten a lot of cheese curds, and drank a lot of 3.2% beer. Utah is weird, y'all. But so far it suits me. I think I'll stay here a while.

(Special thanks to PattiDee for the commemorative card accurately depicting my new apartment.)

Gift Update

You know how I like to make stuff, wrap it up, then wait years to deliver it? Here are a few things I just managed to unload.

These were my very first two encaustics that I made at the awesome workshop in Santa Fe last year. They were supposed to be the BFF's Xmas present...until I found out the wax was technically supposed to cure for six months. So they were rescheduled as a birthday present! And you know how 90% of my friends have birthdays in March & April? I literally have five birthdays within 17 days. I need new friends.

Anyway, these are a tribute to what makes America great!

1. The American flag

2. My BFF

And 3. The Hulk drinking a grape soda.

No argument, right? That was the episode where Ricky taught the Hulk how to use a soda machine. I still can't stop crying.

Incidentally, the American flag that I used as a background was made out of super cheap polyester that lit up like a candle when I waved the propane torch near it. If you don't want folks setting fire to the flag, maybe make it out of something less flammable? Just a thought.

Up next: Beccula bought a new house, Hooray!! I made her this cross stitch as a housewarming gift, but I'm a shitty friend so I didn't see her new house for several months despite the fact that she lives like three miles from me.

Credit to the Trailer Park Boys, and special thanks to the innerwebs for the ease in which this pattern came together.

And finally: Need more proof that I'm a shitty friend? PattiDee sent me this gorgeous box AGES ago. I took photos immediately and then put the box on my mantle, absolutely intending to thank her publicly as soon as possible. And now a third of 2016 is in the rear view mirror. Sigh.

Side, top and bottom:

And the inside. Drumroll please....

HOW I WISH I HAD THAT POWER. #lifegoals Thank you, PattiDee for this gorgeous box!!

In closing, and I know this will be an enormous shock: I still have two Xmas presents to hand out. I KNOW SO SHOCKING. So I can't expunge that pile yet. In the meantime, I'll be in the garage lighting flags on fire. Peace out.

Bestowed Gifts

Have I bitched about March/April? About how 90% of my friends and 100% of my husbands have birthdays within a 6 week period? I work my fingers to the bone for these jerks.

Anyway now that the High Holy Day of The Miracle of the BFF's Birth has passed, I can reveal his gift. We sometimes have entire conversations using only Dead Milkmen lyrics, and I commemorated this achievement with the following folksy cross stitch:

That's not all the BFF received, and it was totally out-classed by the patriotic taxidermy cane toad holding a rifle and American flag that I got on Ebay. I cried a little when I had to hand that over.

For yet another friend's birthday, I once again turned to the seminal Makoto's Cross Stitch Super Collection for the Walther pattern, and then slapped on some lettering:

Please note that all of today's photographs include a special appearance by my thumb. I'm left handed. Can anyone explain to me why I can only work the camera on my phone with my right hand? My left hand just flings the phone to the floor. Anyway,

KC/DC's birthday also falls in this same window of time. Doesn't anyone care about my needs?? She plays guitar and loves Sriracha, so I knew what had to be done:

I don't even know how long I've had that hologram paper. Decades at least. Hooray for supply hoarding!!

The last item today is not a birthday gift, but rather a recognition of a job well done. Agent Chili Bowl continually churns out exemplary work, most notably by extending the C.Q. Initiative way past its planned expiration date. N.U.T.S.A.C. recognizes his dedication to excellence with this fine plaque:

May he continue to be a shining beacon for ass clownery all of his days.

Quick reminder: The 30% off sale on post-show Leftover Sharts that need a "forever home" ends on 6/1, so if you want some of that action, click here! --> drcraftenstein.com I will be adding several new items to the shop directly after the sale, so check back!

Ketchup Time

Geez, I have a lot of leftover projects piled up. Let's see...

My English friends received their baby gift, so I can finally post that. Of course I loaded up the baby with Redskins gear (still don't know the gender, doesn't matter. Go Skins!) and USA onesies, and of course a knit devil hat. Then I purchased two blank cross-stitch bibs at Hobby Lobby, and decided this is probably what English babies are thinking all the time:

And I couldn't help this one:

So is the new Flickr layout going to stay this anus-clenchingly horrible forever, or will they revert back to the old one? It sucks so bad I can't form words right now.

I made this at my husband's request:

In metal stamping news, I switched out the badge on my bracelet, mostly just to see if I could do it. I could, so this gives my bracelet a whole new dimension. It will be like those crappy roadside arrow-shaped marquees advertising Bud Light, changing at my whim!

It says "IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO WATAIN." For those of you that don't know, this is Watain:

Specifically, please deliver me to the blood-soaked demon on the left. KTHX

I was finally able to deliver the BFF's Birthday Magic, and part of it included this award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Patriotism:

Is that thing magnificent or what? It weighs a ton. I cut the metal plaque with my dremel and tried to replicate the specific shape, then hammered the words into the plaque and doublestick taped it on. He's earned all that and more.

One last random thing and then I'll close this one out. In Piloxing class (yep, pilates + kickboxing...) we wear these half-pound hand weight gloves. I decided mine didn't kick enough ass, so I studded them out.

That's right. FEAR ME.

Rick Rolling: Still Funny

The final part of my brother's Xmas present, this bookmark, was supposed to be a prank on him.

Sadly, it became a prank on me because every time I picked it up to work on it, that damn song stuck in my head again. So much for that. YOU WIN THIS ROUND, ASTLEY.

Here's the backing fabric, plus my nifty new labels from Charm Woven Labels since I burned through all the old ones:

Yeah, I know these photos are dark, house is a cave, too lazy to fix, etc.

At some point I acquired a Mardi Gras necklace consisting of huge shiny babies and a flashing box that read "HAPPY MARDI GRAS." I harvested the babies (I'm sure I'll use them for something) which left the weird box. I used a combination of rubbing alcohol and elbow grease to attempt to get the letters off, but in the end I had to resort to sandpaper. Who knew they invested in such quality lettering? Then I added my own sentiment with some Sharpies and spray varnish, and hit the button on the back:

UNLEASH THE BEAST AND LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!! I added an adhesive pinback so my brother can easily wear it to work or important meetings.

Then I wrapped it up in the Tiffany box I've been saving (Was it even mine? Who knows.) for just such a special occasion.

Merry Xmas, Brah!

Also I decided to saw my Catgirl Halle Berry doll in half with the dremel:

Stay tuned for further updates on that.

In closing, here is a video of me and the flashing box enjoying some Tsjuder:

Good times.

My Magnum Opus

I'm not even kidding. I have peaked. This is it. I can die now.

LOOK UPON MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT AND WITHER BEFORE ITS GLORY:

Now LOOK UPON IT AGAIN IN PERHAPS BETTER LIGHTING, AND BE FURTHER DISMAYED:

OKAY, MAYBE NOT BETTER LIGHTING. BEHOLD THE BACK:

COWER AT THE PERFECTION OF THE MAD NICE GRASS PATTERN FABRIC I FOUND IN THE SALE BIN AT HOBBY LOBBY!! GAPE AND THRASH AS YOUR UNWORTHY EYES ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND THE PERFECT SYNCHRONICITY OF MOVIE AND PILLOW!! CAN IT BE TRUE?? CAN SUCH A THING EXIST?

[Side note: If you have not seen the Predator, get off this page and don't come back until you have seen it. No, not the new one. I don't care if it does have Trejo in it. The original. GO NOW.]

Oh, how special the BFF's Xmas was this year! Certainly a single tear squeezed from his little eye as the wrapping paper burst open to reveal this, the finest gift he will ever receive. (His children don't count.) How he must have wept! How he must have known the gods had smiled upon him this day!

Personally, I hope I never see the fucking thing ever again. IT TOOK FOREVER.

It all started when I plugged this photo:

into this website: Picture Craftwork and paid them $12. Then I resubmitted it and paid another $12 because I realized I had created the pattern with the wrong stitch count. So pay attention to that.

Quickly sensing the enormity of this project, I snapped a photo of the first stitch for posterity:

Ah, how young I was. How bright-eyed.

That was back in October.

As the weeks and months passed, I looked fondly back to the time before I had this idea and wished that I had instead shot myself in the face. But it was for the BFF, so I stitched on. And on. And on.

And on. And on. Forever and ever. And ever.

At last the day came when I made the final stitch:

I could finally turn it into the pillow vision in my mind!! Sure, I had never used that type of edging rope before. But who cares!! I was so blind with rage at that point that nothing else mattered! I pinned it all together (putting a backing fabric behind the cross stitch so the fiber fill didn't come through the front) and added one of my personal labels. And a second label, one final touch: THIS TOOK FOREVER. Which is the most brilliant label ever created. Go order some.

My life now has some meaning. Nothing I do will ever top this. So please, if you will, a round of applause for my Magnum Opus:

May it burn in hell for all eternity. MERRY XMAS, BFF!!