Post X-mas Roundup

It's time for another rousing edition of "Who Received My Crap for Xmas?"

First up, I found this round wooden box at an antique shop. It is real wood and way heavier than it looks. Why anyone would need a round box this heavy, I have no idea. I can only imagine it once protected a huge wheel of cheese. Anyway it's painted a weird sickly yellow-green color and was kind of scratched up, and I decided I liked it that way. Oh yeah, the one part I didn't like was that around the edge of the lid was a horrible flower border of the type seen circling mid-'80s bathrooms. SHUDDER. Amazingly that bullshit was a sticker, and it peeled right off. Hooray! Then I painted the box for KC/DC:

I originally planned to paint a bunch of other Sailor Jerry type stuff around the sides, but I know what Kay's shelving looks like at home, so I made the decision to paint just nautical stars so she could face the top part out:

Next up is an Xmas prank we pulled on a friend. I painted this ridiculous garbage ages ago, and a friend loved it, so I gladly gave it to him. He immediately hung it on his wall unframed, which drove me nuts. We live in a society!! So when my husband went to Alabama for Thanksgiving this year, I made him steal it back so I could get it framed as a surprise.

Oh yeah. That's much better. Right? Amazingly, he didn't notice it was gone. So when he unwrapped it, thinking I might have actually put some effort into his gift this year, BANG! REGIFT. He shook his head and proclaimed, "That was like some Penn & Teller shit right there." Hooray! Prank Success.

All the effort I avoided on his gift went into his girlfriend's gift. I found a ceramic teddy bear planter and, after confirming said girlfriend isn't afraid of zombies (I've run into that problem before -- but it was a dude...) I transformed him thusly:

Nice view of the ribs there. He's had a rough time of it.

Surely you do not gift a planter empty? So I tried to find a tiny plant for it. I never managed to find one small enough. Don't tell Plant PETA or whatever how horribly I treated this Christmas Cactus. I love the Christmas Cactus that I have at home! It's just now starting the annual bloom! I love it! So I bought one for this planter. And I crammed the poor thing inside.

OH MY GOD I PROMISE IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THAT LOOKS. The roots are in the soil as straight down as you please. But I did have to bend the top and it is kind of a tight fit. :(

See? It looks happier there, right?? Yeah so then I stuck it inside a carboard box with some padding so it could be transported to Babalama and then wait around a couple days to be delivered. I really hope the poor thing survives. Hang in there, little buddy!! :(

This last one has been done forever, but I couldn't post it until it got delivered to the BFF, along with his other gift, my Magnum Opus. Wooden tray, Krylon spray primer, decoupage, Fangoria, you know the drill:

This is to help him to remember that you do NOT PISS ON HOSPITALITY.

And with that, I think I survived another Xmas season. Oh wait, there's still one thing I have to finish sewing for my brother, but I've been so crafted out I haven't been able to work on it. I will soon. That should be the final gift. Hooray!! It's finally over!! Happy New Year!!

My Magnum Opus

I'm not even kidding. I have peaked. This is it. I can die now.

LOOK UPON MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT AND WITHER BEFORE ITS GLORY:

Now LOOK UPON IT AGAIN IN PERHAPS BETTER LIGHTING, AND BE FURTHER DISMAYED:

OKAY, MAYBE NOT BETTER LIGHTING. BEHOLD THE BACK:

COWER AT THE PERFECTION OF THE MAD NICE GRASS PATTERN FABRIC I FOUND IN THE SALE BIN AT HOBBY LOBBY!! GAPE AND THRASH AS YOUR UNWORTHY EYES ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND THE PERFECT SYNCHRONICITY OF MOVIE AND PILLOW!! CAN IT BE TRUE?? CAN SUCH A THING EXIST?

[Side note: If you have not seen the Predator, get off this page and don't come back until you have seen it. No, not the new one. I don't care if it does have Trejo in it. The original. GO NOW.]

Oh, how special the BFF's Xmas was this year! Certainly a single tear squeezed from his little eye as the wrapping paper burst open to reveal this, the finest gift he will ever receive. (His children don't count.) How he must have wept! How he must have known the gods had smiled upon him this day!

Personally, I hope I never see the fucking thing ever again. IT TOOK FOREVER.

It all started when I plugged this photo:

into this website: Picture Craftwork and paid them $12. Then I resubmitted it and paid another $12 because I realized I had created the pattern with the wrong stitch count. So pay attention to that.

Quickly sensing the enormity of this project, I snapped a photo of the first stitch for posterity:

Ah, how young I was. How bright-eyed.

That was back in October.

As the weeks and months passed, I looked fondly back to the time before I had this idea and wished that I had instead shot myself in the face. But it was for the BFF, so I stitched on. And on. And on.

And on. And on. Forever and ever. And ever.

At last the day came when I made the final stitch:

I could finally turn it into the pillow vision in my mind!! Sure, I had never used that type of edging rope before. But who cares!! I was so blind with rage at that point that nothing else mattered! I pinned it all together (putting a backing fabric behind the cross stitch so the fiber fill didn't come through the front) and added one of my personal labels. And a second label, one final touch: THIS TOOK FOREVER. Which is the most brilliant label ever created. Go order some.

My life now has some meaning. Nothing I do will ever top this. So please, if you will, a round of applause for my Magnum Opus:

May it burn in hell for all eternity. MERRY XMAS, BFF!!

Xmas Can Go Away Now

My Romanian hairdresser likes to pretend her homeland isn't crawling with werewolves and draculas. She even pretended she didn't know the word "werewolf" and asked, "Vat is this?" when I said it. PLEASE. Do not insult my intelligence, lady. We know ALL ABOUT ROMANIA.

To prove to her that I'm wise to the charade, I made her this cross stitch for Xmas:

Of course the vampire, werewolf and bat patterns came from Makato's Cross Stitch Super Collection! I googled the flag, and thankfully Wikipedia got it right. Or she's lying to spare my feelings.

These next presents are in the mail, and I don't think I'm taking any real chance posting them early. They are for the BFF's sons. One is into Frankenstein, so I made him this scratch art:

The other son is getting this intestine mirror:

It used to just be pink with the word "Princess" on it. Disgusting. I left the mirror out for the photo because I didn't feel like being in it. That would have been even more disgusting.

I'll post the other stuff once it's been delivered. Only four more days...ugh.

Last Minute Chrismukkah Gift?

Amazingly, almost all of my terrible "art" sold at the benefit. Huzzah! I gave a few things away at the end because I did not want that garbage coming back into my house. But the rest sold for actual American dollars!

This one thing had to come home with me. Several people told me "I want this so bad...but I have kids." Take note, folks: once you have kids, casual everyday pornography goes out the window. Or so I've been told.

Here is my tray depicting the dangers of eating undercooked shellfish:

Size 16x22"

What an amazing Chrismukkah gift this would be! If anyone wants this, let me know in the comments. (Locals only please.) I'm hoping for about $25, and I'm still going to give the money to savestopperdave.com. Make me an offer! Overpay because it's for charity! And make someone's Chrismukkah dream come true.

Hurry - only 9 shopping days until Xmas!!

Stopper

Long story short: The BFF was in a punk band called Stopper. A situation occurred and the singer went to jail. His friends and family and the band would like to have him moved to a facility that can better serve his needs. Towards that end, the BFF has created a documentary telling the story. You can learn all about it right here:

Save Stopper Dave

This website also has artwork and other items for sale to raise money for the effort and also to help cover legal fees.

In addition, there will be a benefit show on December 8 at 9 pm at the Drunken Unicorn.

Stopper Reunion Show

At this show, there's gonna be a raffle. When I heard the word "raffle" a lightbulb appeared over my head and I announced "I'M GONNA CLEAN OUT MY HOUSE." I asked the BFF if I could donate piles of terrible shit "artwork" to this raffle. He said yes. HUZZAH!!

So here's what I'm hoping to donate. I'm going to pile up all the photos and then send this link to the lovely gal that is organizing the raffle and also managing the band. I am sure that these chores redefine the phrase "thankless task." I wish her the best.

This box

The Bacon Purse-Box

This ugly Fangoria Purse-Box (Jinny, feel free to veto any of this garbage.)

This mini-casket

All these here trays

The Cheeto Angel in the middle is gone, but the Hot Pink Jesus and Angel remain.

The weird Tiny Tim Demon Head Shelf

The wounded cherub

The weird ass twin demons

The Cenobite

These two hat boxes:

These last two photos are great, right? My house is a cave.

Like I said, feel free to veto any of this crap. Here are the ones that I don't want to go in a $1 raffle, but maybe you could get better money for them somehow. (Or, if anyone wants to offer me real money for them, towards the Save Stopper Dave fund, let's talk. Hell, if anyone wants to offer money for ANY of this crap towards the Save Stopper Dave fund, let's talk.) (I would prefer to handle locally. Please refer to all of my posts Re: The USPS Is The Devil.)

L'il Spaulding

Drippy the Ghost

Pig Butcher

Alien Angel

Oh, and I have some slightly pornographic bookmarks and postcards that we could sell if you want, Jinny. Probably not worth raffling. I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING.

Okay, so everyone come out to this benefit and support Stopper and also win some of my terrible shit "art." Bring your Xmas list! Mom would love a hot pink Jesus!

Update: I have just sold the Alien Angel and the blue Octopus hatbox. Yay charity!

Update Two:The Pig Butcher just found a loving home. Yay!! Stopper's gonna be mad rich!!

Stealth Mode

This is the time of year when I'm working furiously on Top Secret Xmas Projects that CANNOT BE REVEALED until after delivery. Sometimes delivery happens in February. Or June. So it's gonna be quiet around here for a while.

But as usual I have a couple of things leftover. My neighbor keeps making delicious desserts and bringing them to my house. She is awesome. I told her that when I'm on my deathbed, all I will need is her oreo truffles. (A morphine drip would be rad too.) The last thing she brought over was four very delicious pumpkin cupcakes. My husband is lucky he even got to eat one of them. I made my neighbor this gift to encourage her to keep the desserts coming:

Dragon*Con this year was particularly successful for N.U.T.S.A.C. My brother and I decided that our greatest Con achievements should be commemorated in patch form. We documented said achievements, and I have been busily working on embroidering these patches. Xmas is a huge hurdle so I had to put them on hold, but I sent over the patches that I had finished so that he may begin learning how to sew them on to whatever he's going to sew them on. I have purchased a denim jacket, removed the sleeves, and studded it up in preparation for N.U.T.S.A.C. Achievement Glory. Here's the ones I've finished so far: (They are taking FOREVER.)

Here's something I'm kind of proud of. I bought that metal stamping kit and started making keychains, such as this one for the BFF:

This has been good practice for the Grand Plan. You see, thrift stores are full of old trophies. Most have a football player or golfer or something mounted on top, making them fairly specified. But I found a couple that I decided had real potential and I picked them up for later. My plan was to have new plates engraved, until I found out how much engraving costs. Eff that. So then I found out you could engrave with a dremel! I love my dremel! But my handwriting is abysmal. Strike Two. Then I bought this stamping set. So I've been practicing with these keyrings to get better and neater with the lettering. I decided I was ready to try it for real.

This award was for Brittany or Taylor getting straight As or something. She was so excited to get the award that I picked it up at Goodwill for $2. It turns out that those fancy brass plates are held on the awards with regular old double stick tape. No shit. So I peeled it off, dremeled the same size plate out of a blank metal sheet, and rechristened it:

Hammering the metal letters causes the metal sheet to pucker a bit and the ensuing reflection on the letters makes them hard to read. So I decided to rub some black acrylic paint into the letters and wipe away the surface paint to make it easier to read.

The BFF's son has really earned his keep this year. But I'd rather not put his name out on the interwebs, so I blurred it. Congratulations, PBBPBPBMMMBM!! (PS - If there's anyone out there that knows PBBPBPBMMMBM, this is a secret until Xmas. I just feel like bragging now. So keep it quiet.)

I am excited at the result because I have at least two more awards at home that are getting rechristened. And I am going back on the hunt for more. YAY for metal stamping!!