101 Uses for Pron (and One Use for Plasti Dip)

This year at Dragon*Con I was able to find my favorite vendor again and plop down $20 for 12 vintage porn mags. He didn't have any swingers catalogs like before, but he had a ton of Leg Action and magazines featuring big butts. It turns out that "Leg Action" is code for "foot fetish." Who knew!

The first thing I did was decoupage my very last bamboo tray:

"Bing Crosby says: Man, this is really relaxin'..." Sorry, Bing.

Then I made a puzzle for my brother to thank him for his contribution to Dragon*Con this year:

I found these packs of blank puzzles with envelopes that I guess you're supposed to draw on or whatever. I decided to glue pictures on instead. I have a lot of trouble cutting through the photo around the puzzle shapes, so these have turned out rather messy. But I'm working it out.

I have to return some things to KC/DC that ended up in our stuff after the Con, so I made her a lovely gift bag:

And I wanted to finish up a conversation that my brother and I started in the Hilton stairwell, so I made one more postcard. I ran out of room on the back, so the final sentence had to wrap around to the front side:

Folks, I can't get enough of this foot porn. My apologies to anyone that has this fetish for real, but I just think it's hilarious.

I also think it's hilarious that after inflicting so much pain on me in the past (and future), the postal service has to keep enduring my postcards because it's THEIR JOB, and also because I put no return address on the postcards and THEY HAVE NO CHOICE. MWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

And lastly, I finally cracked open that can of Plasti Dip because I had an actual reason to: stamping metal letters into sheets of metal on a metal block with a hammer pretty much killed my left hand for two days. So I decided to Plasti Dip my hammer. That's it on the far left:

The rest are assorted doll parts that I have been saving up. Dipping doll heads into Plasti Dip is way satisfying. But since the only color Home Depot carries is black, it gives everything an 80s Environmental Statement feel. Like I should pile up the coated doll parts next to an oil drum with "Toxic Waste" painted on the side and mail the whole thing to Emilio Estevez. Outside of that, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this stuff, but the important thing is that I stunk up the whole house for two days.

And here's the project that caused the arthritic hand:

N.U.T.S.A.C. IS GOIN' LEGIT. Our actions can no longer be questioned! We have Important Business that must be carried out, and now we have Official Badges to prove it. Best to just stay out of our way.

My plan is to use these metal letters to stamp new brass plates in order to re-christen thrift store trophies. I have one at home that I am preparing, and I hope it works out. Because I have seen the cost of engraving and it horrifies me. I own a dremel and an engraving tool, but my handwriting is abysmal so that's not an option.

Tip of the Day: Pay close attention if you purchase a set of these metal letters -- many of them are brush script. And no one wants that. *shudder* Also I stamped my keyring (pictured) with the comma instead of the period. Rookie mistake, but you can't actually tell. Okay, that's two tips. Now I need a nap.

Tray Chic

I bought a whole pile of bamboo trays at the Goodwill recently. This is also helping me to solve my uncloseable accordion file problem.

I may be selling these for charity purposes, so I tried to make a couple that were less pornographic and/or Satanic. I mean, I gotta be me, but everyone has kids now and it's getting harder to unload that stuff. I'm all "My brother will LOVE -- oh, right. The baby. Sigh." So I need to provide a few "less offensive" options for this venture:

See? Glitter! Kids love glitter! And dogs! And Rodney Dangerfield!

And then I remembered I have a whole envelope of really sick photos I cut out of Fangoria, so I made a whole tray of just that, and I'll get a shot of that one later because it still needs another coat of mod podge. Also I got a free bamboo tray at an antique shop, but it needs a whole lot of TLC before I can begin decorating it. I have to glue in half of the little sticks.

BTW the last two posts are my effort to kill time because Dragon*Con starts tomorrow and I truly could not be more useless today. If you thought I was useless yesterday? Boy, you ain't seen nothin yet. Maybe I'll just keep typing until I clock out. Nope, I'm out of ideas already. Okay. I'll go pace around the building. That should kill 10 minutes.

Postcards, Ahoy!

This postcard swap got me thinking about postcards again. Since my husband accidentally ordered that package of flat cards instead of folding cards, I have piles of those things, along with an accordion file of magazine clippings and stickers which I have to struggle to close. So I decided it was postcard time.

I decorated and mailed out 25 postcards to friends and have only heard back from 12 people. I hope that means the other folks are just busy (or lazy) and not that the cards got lost in the mail. NOT THAT THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN. So I will post photos of a few of the cards that I know for a fact have been received:

I knew Gaby would appreciate a photo of Courtney Love crying.

Geez, you can really see through this one, huh? I hope that's a camera trick. Sorry, Patti! I promise I'll do better on the next one.

And this one made it through with all the eyeballs intact! More than I could have asked for. Hey, what a great blurry photo!

This next one was my test card. I knew if this one got through the mail service, everything else was safe:

Success!! I hope that image kept a sorter from hanging himself...if only for a day.

I also hope that this blue mailbox near my job is still in service because about half the postcards went into it. It's totally faded, but it's in front of a bank, so I hope it's not retired. Whatever, if anyone is offended that they didn't get one I can just say, "Must have gotten lost in the mail!" I win.

Postcard Swap - Received!

Yay! I received the loveliest package from my postcard swap buddy in England! Her name is Laura and she is from Lancashire. (Have I mentioned how much I love Royal Mail? It's delightful!) The theme was "Discover," so Laura sent over a package of items to help me discover the area where she lives. She sent two stitched postcards, one little stitched card, several photographs, and a gorgeous screen print, plus a note with a detailed description of everything. Here it is in a beautiful pile:

Gorgeous. The first postcard depicts the Queen Street Mill:

The second is of the bridge at Wycoller Country Park:

AND THE THIRD CARD IS THIS SWEET LITTLE MOUSE AND IT'S SO CUTE I'M SHOUTING:

Laura sent many photos of the mill, the park, and other places of interest around her area. And she sent this beautiful screen print that she did which I believe is also the Mill, but I stupidly did not bring her notes with me to work, so I will confirm that when I get home. [Edit: It is a screen print of Pendle Heritage Center.] I'm going to have it framed:

It was a wonderful package and I was delighted to receive it. I hope she likes her postcards of Tesla and pile of Stone Mountain souvenirs. Not really a fair trade for her I'm afraid.

Thank you, Laura!

Happy Birthday! Love, America

I try to make Shiffy's birthday special every year by sending cigarettes and Cheetos to brighten up her damp little island. But the shipping to England is putting me in the poor house, so I punked out this year and went handmade:

The Statue of Liberty pattern can be found in the most awesome cross-stitch book ever, MAKATO'S CROSS-STITCH SUPER COLLECTION!! The fireworks and tender sentiment are of course my own addition.

I tossed in some Stone Mountain souvenirs because I'm not sure I had those when she visited. Also I clued the BFF in and asked if he wanted to add anything, to which he responded with what I imagine is the Australian National Anthem, because that joke never gets old. I unwisely encouraged him by printing it out and gluing it to a nice card which is way more than he deserves. The husband added a Captain America sticker, making this the most glorious birthday package I'm sure the Shiffster will receive this year. If she ever receives it at all, since she informs me that after the (yet another) bank holiday, she's going to Chicago. As always, I have full confidence in the postal service. :(

Happy Birthday, Shiffy!

Yer Blowin it, Joe

If you haven't seen the movie "The Stöned Age," go watch it right now. I'll wait....

It's awesome, right? A friend and I were discussing it at Monster Bash this year, and by discussing it I mean drunkenly shouting out quotes and laughing. He mentioned that another mutual friend of ours loves the movie as much as we do. That's when I decided to paint this:

FYI - My first car was a blue '73 Squareback with white interior, and I currently own the same couch as the Chicks From Up North. That means I'm awesome.

Way Better than "Hellraiser: Revelations"

My brother Dennis gave me a ceramic doll that his baby daughter and wife both hate. Ha. He encouraged me to do something horrible with it. Since he handed it to me after we were well into our second or third round of cocktails, I immediately tore the hair off and got to work. Hence no before picture. But you see these things everywhere, so you can imagine how it started out.

Like I say, I tore the hair off first, which exposed a plastic cap mounted into the ceramic head. I removed that, then immediately began trying to pry the eyes out. That took a while, but I managed to remove the glue using an exacto knife and a pair of needlenose pliers. It was a bitch. But I had these Tohickon glass eyes leftover from the garden gnome project and I was dying to use them. I think these are the 124-B - Blended Aspheric Feather Band Bird Sandhill Crane:

Of course this photo is after I had sanded/goo-goned the last of the hair off and covered her with white Krylon primer. I filled the head with black Crayola Model Magic and stuck the eyes in by sealing them from behind with the model magic. This stuff is great filler because it is light as air. If I filled the head with regular clay the doll would never stand upright again because the head would weigh a ton. I filled the head in a few layers so the model magic would dry completely, then I formed a model magic brain to cover the open cap. I let it dry, then dry brushed pink/gray paint over the top and later varnished it.

My Cenobite was coming along, but she needed some clothes. So I kept checking at the craft stores in the doll section where they sell what I imagine are off-brand American Girl Doll clothes. They sell little cheerleader outfits and hats and stuff, so I found a nightgown, tore the lace off, and added a combination of red paint and leftover wet coffee grounds:

I wanted it to look like she'd been wading through the hell-muck all day, micromanaging the torture and whatnot. It came out okay and also had a nice coffee scent for a while.

Apparently American Girl dolls have huge feet, so shoes were a no-go. So I just painted her feet red and brown. That works better anyway. I kept checking the doll clothes and one day I found this super boss fake fur coat. It ruled, but the arms were too long, so I removed the cuffs, took about an inch off each sleeve, and then replaced the cuff. (Oh, I make it sound so easy! I was literally almost in tears after hand-sewing the same cuff in the wrong direction THREE TIMES. If you've ever sewn cuffs on you know what I'm talking about, but that's still at least two times too many.) It was worth it for this level of pimpness:

I found another smaller but very similar doll at a thrift store that came in a rad box with two gingham dresses (which are going straight back to the thrift store) and a pair of shoes, and I'm currently working to get all her hair off. She's smaller and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get her eyes out. Whatever glue they used on her is way stronger than the glue on this doll, so I might have to soak her head in some kind of solvent. We'll see if that one works out, but I might have to go another direction.

In conclusion, "Hellraiser: Revelations" is complete garbage and is so stupid that it cannot hurt me. DOUG BRADLEY 4 LYF.