Happy Birfday Hot Wife

It's my smoking hot Derby Wife's birthday today, so I made her a matched set of Notorious B.I.G. cross stitch bookmark and beaded bracelet:

GUESS WHAT I BOUGHT A LIGHT BOX FINALLY. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? CTHULHU BE PRAISED.

I put this image:


into this pattern generator: Patterns For You for both projects. Actually, first I had my graphic designer husband stick it in Photoshop and blow out the contrast, cut out a slice, and then feed it into the pattern generator. Voila!

It's wild how much fatter Biggie is in the cross stitch. I guess it didn't translate perfectly to square blocks instead of oblong bead-shaped ones. I will keep this in mind for later projects, and also if I want to create picture of myself I will be sure to bead it instead of cross stitching it. Cross stitching apparently adds 20 pounds in the head area alone.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE HOTTEST HOT WIFE EVER. I LOVE YOU.

PS - Please do not hold these two items close together or you will see how much I effed up that cross stitch. Over & Out

Finnishing a Tote Bag

Everyone knows that new hobbies require new bags. Right? Right. Once you decide on your Organizational System, you have to have some way to haul it around to craft meetings and airports and whatnot. Otherwise what's the point?

So here I am with my pile of cross stitch supplies -- hoops, thread case, notebook, sundries, fabric, Super Cool cross stitch book -- and no way to lug it all around! Wistfully, I wandered around the dragon-filled, uncharted aisles of Michael's in search of some sort of craft bag. They had the padded ones with wheels, the small blank canvas bags, those granny-looking basket ones...I was disappointed.

Then I spotted one of those totes with the photo pockets, into which one is expected to insert photos of puppies, chubby babies, and smiling families in matching khaki outfits on the beach. That shit sickens me. But as I choked back bile, I had an idea: There's no law saying it has to be puppies and chubby babies and smiling families in matching khaki outfits on the beach. (Is there?? I should probably check.) Couldn't one fill it with photos of, say, Finnish black metal band Sargeist?


And couldn't one affix a metal pin on the top identifying them as such? I decided to try. Thanks to my employer supplying me with google image search and a really good color printer (Patti, shhh), I was able to make this dream a reality!

I encourage everyone to purchase these photo totes and fill them with photos of whatever makes you happy! If puppies and babies and families in matching khaki outfits makes you happy, well, whatever. But if you find that idea repellent, and it is, put photos of disturbing images in there and TAKE BACK THE TOTEBAG!! We'll show those jerks.

Daniel Checks In

I was hangin' with the bros last weekend, and it turns out one of them reads this blog. Ha! Who knew? That brings the sum total of my readers to two. (Hi Patti!)

Daniel had some complaints:

1. I did not give him credit for inventing the Killamari. We were all shitfaced for four days, so I can't remember who came up with it, but yeah, he probably did. So from now on I'll tag Killamari with ™ Dan The Man Industries. We'll let the SyFy lawyers take it from there.

2. Daniel claims he sent me photos of this painting that were not murky and terrible:


I see no evidence of this, therefore I will refer to the case of Spring Break v. Frat Boys, Section A, Paragraph 2: "Pics or it didn't happen, brah!!" The score is now Craftenstein - 1, Daniel - 1.

3. As much as Daniel appreciates the Vyvyan vest I made him, it is too big. I was afraid of that. I swear they left an X off that XL label. It's huge!! He asked if it's possible to tailor it, and I told him that I couldn't, but maybe a dry cleaner could because my Korean dry cleaner can sew anything. Surely Daniel could find a comparable tailor in his town. Failing that, I told him I could totally start over with a smaller vest. And failing that, he needs to rock it on top of a leather jacket.

Final Score: Craftenstein - 1, Daniel - 2.

YOU WIN THIS ROUND.
To celebrate Daniel's win, here's a video about world peace:


*sniff* I have something in my eye....

Vyvyan & Cthulhu

My brother's been asking for a Vyvyan denim vest forever. This year I decided to give it a whirl. I found the vest on ebay, got the studs from StudsandSpikes.com, powered through all my DVDs for screen shots, and made this:


That's my long-suffering husband modeling for me. Thanks, honey! My brother is bigger than my husband is, so it's a wee bit baggy. I hope it fits my brother. I know he received it, but he hasn't yet dispatched a missive from the bunker Re: Gift Satisfaction.

And if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, watch this:


Genius. I could watch that all day.

And the holiday season wouldn't be complete without an Elder God. Here was the scene before:


And when he stopped dreaming and decided to go for a walk:


I do believe that's the last of the Xmas gifts. And now it's 2012 and I still don't have my flying car or robot servant. What a load of crap.

How About Another Hobby?

At Dragon*Con this past year I attended a beading workshop just out of curiosity, and was given the chance to make my very own ugly dangle earring. Luckily the earring wasn't the point; the technique was what I was after, because apparently I was in the market for YET ANOTHER HOBBY. I'm trying to remember what the hell happened next. I think I stumbled upon this beading loom on Amazon and ordered it, hoping to get it in time for the next craft group meeting. Which I didn't. But when I did finally get it, along with some terrible seed beads, I quickly began the stumbling, fumbling learning process. Which usually goes something like this:

1. decide potential new hobby looks totally awesome
2. dive in with cheap shitty tools because "these'll work"
3. output terrible shitty product and foist it on friends, hopefully in time for Xmas
4. also adopt Organizational System One for new hobby
5. splurge on more expensive quality tools and quickly realize why no one uses the cheap stuff
5a. also realize just how shitty original output was; feel shame
6. throw out cheap stuff, replace with new quality stuff
7. throw out Organizational System One and replace with Organizational System Two
8. see fulfillment of husband's motto: "It's not a hobby until you spend $200;" feel more shame
9. produce better quality product and give to friends as Xmas Gift Redo; apologize profusely
10. espy new exciting hobby possibility; return to Step One.

Just to clarify, I'm not hating on that loom. It's rad. I'm mostly hating on the really awful beads that I bought to go with it. I won't mention any names. (If they even had one.) But when I finally upgraded to the Toho Treasure Beads, I never went back.

So here's some stuff I made, just in time for Xmas:


The bracelet on the left is on the cover of the book "The Big Book of Beading Patterns: For Peyote Stitch, Square Stitch, Brick Stitch, and Loomwork Designs". I loved that bracelet and wore it everywhere until it disappeared somewhere in my house. (I also made the second from right with the star pattern but did not take a photo. Surprise.) The second bracelet in the photo is of course N.U.T.S.A.C. (awarded to Gaby for "Outstanding Achievement in Assclownery"), the third you might recognize as Domo, and the last one is also a pattern out of the book. That one and the N.U.T.S.A.C. bracelet were done on the loom, the other two were peyote stitch that I learned from the same book.

This was also done on the loom, from a border pattern I swiped off the ludicrously huge beaded lamp (!) project in the back of the same book:


Also done on the loom, this pattern is from the book but I changed it a bit to give the UFO more personality:


It's viewed like a filmstrip: starting at the bottom you see the house, then a UFO comes into frame, zaps the house, and leaves a smoking crater as it flies away. Here's a close up of it zapping the house:


So that's the new hobby. I also discovered that cross stitch patterns translate very well to the bead loom, so I'm working up some ideas from "Makato's Cross Stitch Super Collection!!" and I'm hoping for good things. Perhaps a Killamari.

Unsolicited Product Endorsement

I've been calling this eraser The Trojan:


because it looks like little warrior helmets lined up there. Also because calling a little rubber thing a "Trojan" = Comedy Gold. Anyway I've had this thing over a decade, and I'm here to tell you it will erase anything off of anything. And look how much is left after.... I just did the math, I think we're going on 16 or 17 years here.... AND BARELY ANY IS GONE.

IT WILL ERASE ANYTHING.OFF OF ANYTHING.
I'M ONLY A LITTLE BIT EXAGGERATING. I'm here to tell you it is the Greatest Eraser Ever Invented. And every time I misplace it (a lot) I tear my hair out and destroy the house until I find it again because I have had no idea how to get another one. It's really hard to get information when the only thing you can put in google is "trojan," "rubber," and "white."

So last week the husband and I were at Office Depot. Caught up in the giddy whirlwind of markers and labels and adhesives and such (again, not exaggerating) I dorked, "Geez, I really wish I could find out where that damn Trojan came from." I turned around, and I'm not lying here, I swear on a stack of James Randi books, THERE IT WAS ON A HOOK RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!


SWEET HOME ALABAMA!! THE STAEDTLER! It has a name!! It's still being made! And bless its little heart, it's German. Leave it to the Germans to engineer the Greatest Eraser Ever Invented.

From the website:

You’ll be astounded ...
... by the erasing performance offered by our premium STAEDTLER Mars plastic product.
It removes graphite marks from paper, matt drafting film or overhead transparencies, virtually residue-free and with only minimal crumbling.

This ‘Made in Germany’ quality product is equipped with a slide sleeve for convenient handling. The eraser is highly impressive thanks to its extremely long service life and is both phthalate and latex-free.

Oh, you will be astounded. I implore you, get this product immediately. You will never need another eraser. Unless you lose it, so get the four-pack or you'll have night sweats like me when I can't find it.

Awesomely, as I'm freaking out and hopping up and down in the aisle making a scene, my husband remarks, "Well yeah, I could have told you that." I've been whining about this for 16 years -- you couldn't mention that you knew where I could get more? Thanks a pantload, Chet.

That's enough shilling for now. Merry Festivus and a Happy New Year!

Just Like Mom Used to Make

Can you believe some folks don't like jellied cranberry sauce out of a can? Me neither!! Are you kidding? What's not to like?

I had the opportunity to be a part of the BZA's first Thanksgiving last year, and I made sure to have canned cranberry sauce for the occasion. I later commemorated the event with this painting, if you will recall:


Sometime back in April, a good friend of my sister-in-law happened to be viewing my terrible blog and saw this painting, and asked what my plans were for it. She said her father loves canned cranberry sauce in a major way and would probably really appreciate the painting. I told her if she paid the cross-country shipping she could have the damned thing. Seriously, my house is filled to the brim with this stuff. The deal was struck and off it went!

This morning I checked my email. Imagine my delight at finding a real live Action Shot of my painting enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with Dad!!


There's Dad, proudly hoisting this year's magnificent trophy. Hooray! This man and I are kindred spirits and I couldn't be more pleased.

Thanks for painting the wall the perfect background color, Dad. You went above and beyond.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!!