Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Head-Shelf Celebrities

Thrift stores are filled with stupid little ceramic shelves with bases made of cherubs surrounded by vines or roses or some other foofy shit. This trend must have completely slipped past me because I've never seen them in anyone's home, possibly due to the fact that they are heavy and inconveniently sized and always seem about five seconds away from ripping the nail out of the wall and crashing to the floor. Which would really be for the best.

I've been actively ignoring this crap for some time. But I finally found one that intrigued me and seemed to have potential. It was intriguing because it looked like Tiny Tim but was tarted up like a cheap whore, complete with rosy cheeks, pastel eye shadow and brazen lipstick. My failure to take a before photo sickens me, mostly because I was driving home repeating, "Self? Make sure you take a before photo of the Tiny Tim Whore Head-Shelf." Instead I immediately sprayed it with Krylon black primer.

Yeah, that photo is terrible. Here's what I did to it:

Now it's Undead Tiny Tim. Seriously, what would you put on one of these? A candle? When it falls to the ground it will burn your house down. A snow globe? It already weighs a ton. These things make no sense to me.

Want to see what else doesn't make sense?

Why does this thing look exactly like Thora Birch? Behold:

Seriously, does anyone know Thora Birch? Because I would totally send this to her. I might come off like some twisted stalker, but if there was a head-shelf that looked like you, wouldn't you want to know about it? I can't really alter this one because I would be turning Thora Birch into a zombie. So I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Right now I'm concentrating my efforts on removing some gross green gunk from the top, probably used to unsuccessfully affix a snow globe or candle:

Ms. Birch? It's yours if you want it. Holla. (Love your work!)