Saturday, September 12, 2015

More Budget-Friendly Sharts

One more exciting piece has just been added to the Exclusive Budget Collection: "Second Question"

And who likes metal? I do! I do! Need some hooks?

Wait, that's not metal enough!

AAAaaahhhh... that's better. These metal hooks are only five dollars each -- what did you say??? I said FIVE DOLLARS EACH. Hurry up or I'm keeping them for myself.


Thursday, September 3, 2015

Shartwork Update

I know, two posts in one day. Sorry. But I've managed to wrestle Flickr into submission and I'm gonna keep pounding it as long as I can.

I bring you EXCITING NEWS: Dr. Craftenstein is proud to announce the launch of our new Exclusive Budget Collection! It's so NEW and so EXCLUSIVE that there are only two pieces in the shop right now!


and L'il Squirt

These Exclusive Budget Collection pieces bring you all the shartyness you've come to expect from the other masterpieces, at the Exclusive Budget price of only $29.99! Other views and close-ups of these pieces can be found at

But worry not: if you can't stand those, check back soon because there are several others in the pipeline. We'll have plenty more in time for Xmas!! SQUEEE!!!

And now I'm off to Dragon*Con. See you on the other side!

Embroidered Horror

Lest you think I now spend all my time juicing (not true -- half my time is at the farmer's market buying more carrots), I have managed to squeeze in a few birthday gifts. One I can't show because it hasn't been delivered yet, but this one was finally delivered, I think only a month or two late!


Of course out of all the Lovecraftian Great Old Ones my buddy has to pick the one that's "faceless and indescribable." Thanks, Champ! Luckily google image search coughed up some ideas, so I chose the most evil looking one and transferred him to the fabric. Unfortunately the image stopped around mid-calf and I had to BS the feet, which I did by sort of taking a consensus of the other representative feet in the search. They seemed to agree that giant claws were the way to go, and who am I to argue? Finally I added the homespun border around the edge because I thought it just looked naked.

Thank you to all the internet nerds that made this gift possible. Without you, I am nothing. XOXO

Friday, August 28, 2015

Now I've Discovered Juicing

Because I didn't have enough shit to do already.

Yeah so I've been watching a lot of netflix documentary/expose type deals lately, such as "Fed Up" which I highly recommend, and "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" along with the sequel. And then I bought this:

And this:

And now my kitchen looks like this:

basically all the time. I renamed that one Luminol Juice, as any fan of Forensic Files will be familiar with "...and the Luminol revealed a GRISLY SCENE." Did you hear his voice in your head just then? I did!

That's a really good recipe book. The author is literally a Norwegian model, and I was all "YES PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW JUICING CAN MAKE ME A 6 FOOT TALL GODDESS" which I'm sure will happen over time. But the recipes are easy to understand, easy to adapt (moooore jalapeno) and delicious.

We still had mason jars left over from candle making, so I absorbed them into my kitchen for juice storage. I spray painted the lids with black primer and chalkboard paint so that I can label them over and over again. But sometimes the full name won't fit on the lid using chalk, so I made some new names.

"'Beet' the Afternoon Slump" became "Slumpy." With "All Greens," obviously there was no way to cram that second L on the lid, so that's "Al Green" juice now. And I can almost still read "Grapefruit & Greens," so that one was okay.

The left juice was called "Winter Harvest" or something, so the decision there was obvious. The middle one was called "Seeds of Change," so that became a Scorpions tribute juice. I gave up on "Greenest..." whatever that says, but "Sunny Citrus Beets" fit okay. (Look at the other food trying to stay relevant. "Pick me, pick me!" That's so cute.) Today's juices:

There's no way I'm writing "Green Kiss" on a jar and bringing it to work. The rust colored juice was a recipe I found online somewhere called "Thyroid Friendly Tomato Juice" or something. (It also needed jalapeno.)

Some of the recipes require the juicer, and some use the blender. I go back and forth between both. But all of this was just too much for our poor old blender.

That dinosaur had to be put out to pasture. RIP little buddy!



This thing is a beast! And the delightful skidmark down the side of the pitcher is raw honey, in case you were wondering. Raw honey goes in the breakfast shake and sometimes into my mouth but I try to keep that to a minimum because of the gut I'm still lugging around which will no longer be a problem once I am six feet tall.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Now I've Discovered Resin Pouring AKA R.I.P. My Bank Account

The truth is I've known about resin pouring for a while. And I've been avoiding it like the plague because I'm pretty sure resin pouring is a chasm I am never going to be able to climb out of, and plus, it's a relatively pricey chasm. For years I've been the live-action character slo-mo running from cartoon Resin Demons as they swoop down on me trying to steal my soul. I put up a really good fight...

...Which ended when I signed up for classes offered at a craft store which shall remain nameless in order to protect the innocent. (And myself.) Said classes were allegedly for Metal Stamping and Wire Wrapping. However it quickly became apparent that this was a clownboat production: nothing was as it seemed, connections to reality were tenuous at best, and the whole event was fluid and ever-changing. Luckily I had dressed for just such an occasion:

It ended up that I was the only attendee for this particular set of classes (and therefore alone in my cat leggings, THANKS BECCA). I showed the instructor the tools that I had brought with me and some examples of what I have done in the past. She asked, "So you've done all of this already. Why on Earth are you in this class?" I pointed to a couple things on the syllabus, and she cleared up those topics in one sentence. Then she announced, "Want to pour resin??"

Through a swirling cloud of cartoon Resin Demons I glimpsed the face of the sweet elderly woman across the table from me, stringing beads onto a bracelet for her granddaughter. Her presence is the only thing that prevented me from shouting "FUCK YES I WANT TO POUR RESIN." TIE ME OFF AND HAND ME THE NEEDLE. I AM READY.

The instructor scampered out into the store to grab a resin kit and I knew my fate was sealed. I am doomed, friends. It's all over for me! Save yourselves!

The kit contains a small mold with three sections. Luckily I had brought along my trusty sack of coyote teeth (thanks again, ebay hillbillies!) which I used in two of the molds. They were not set by the time I got home, so I was able to find some things to fill the last mold. Here's what I ended up with:

(Please ignore the snap on my notebook that totally looks like a nipple.) The kit came with a really nifty teeny drill bit that cuts right into the resin, allowing me to wire on a bale, and also the word ART.

Gee, I wish I could tell you the exact resin kit I purchased, but Clownboat Craft Store claims they do not carry it. Despite the fact that I bought it from them. Ahoy!! [Edit: I found the packaging. It's Clownboat Craft Store's personal store brand. So....yeah.]

Friends, I have long fed my desire to pour resin by suspending things in soap. I have no more need for that crutch as I have already purchased more resin and more molds...and now watch helplessly as the cartoon Resin Demons lower me into their boiling cauldron. It is done. Amen.


Saturday, May 30, 2015

Bestowed Gifts

Have I bitched about March/April? About how 90% of my friends and 100% of my husbands have birthdays within a 6 week period? I work my fingers to the bone for these jerks.

Anyway now that the High Holy Day of The Miracle of the BFF's Birth has passed, I can reveal his gift. We sometimes have entire conversations using only Dead Milkmen lyrics, and I commemorated this achievement with the following folksy cross stitch:

That's not all the BFF received, and it was totally out-classed by the patriotic taxidermy cane toad holding a rifle and American flag that I got on Ebay. I cried a little when I had to hand that over.

For yet another friend's birthday, I once again turned to the seminal Makoto's Cross Stitch Super Collection for the Walther pattern, and then slapped on some lettering:

Please note that all of today's photographs include a special appearance by my thumb. I'm left handed. Can anyone explain to me why I can only work the camera on my phone with my right hand? My left hand just flings the phone to the floor. Anyway,

KC/DC's birthday also falls in this same window of time. Doesn't anyone care about my needs?? She plays guitar and loves Sriracha, so I knew what had to be done:

I don't even know how long I've had that hologram paper. Decades at least. Hooray for supply hoarding!!

The last item today is not a birthday gift, but rather a recognition of a job well done. Agent Chili Bowl continually churns out exemplary work, most notably by extending the C.Q. Initiative way past its planned expiration date. N.U.T.S.A.C. recognizes his dedication to excellence with this fine plaque:

May he continue to be a shining beacon for ass clownery all of his days.

Quick reminder: The 30% off sale on post-show Leftover Sharts that need a "forever home" ends on 6/1, so if you want some of that action, click here! --> I will be adding several new items to the shop directly after the sale, so check back!

Saturday, May 9, 2015

OMG SO FAMOUS: N.U.T.S.A.C. Field Report

I actually survived this Featured Friday Artist event at dooGALLERY. I've never done anything like this before and was seriously trying not to throw up or cry in the car beforehand (sober as a judge, mind you), trying to breathe, stricken mute with terror, while my poor long-suffering husband steered the car and tried to reassure me that I wouldn't die. Try as he might, I did not believe him.

After we arrived and I got set up, I pretty much had to shut my brain off and go limp for the first hour. Luckily KC/DC's band Moreland Wrecks had signed on to play this thing, so to retain my sanity I just pretended I was hanging out at her gig. Here's a shot of them warming up:

Someone asked if that eagle was mine, and to that I say 1) I WISH, and 2) they are lucky I did not steal it.

Two of my Shartworks are hanging behind the band BOTH OF WHICH SOLD, SQUEEEEEEE: "Wolf" to the left and "Wasp Woman" to the right. The rest were variously displayed around the room like so:

Please note the tempting array of hors d'oeuvres. Proceeding around the room in order:

"Goldburger" has a little ribbon on the tag to indicate it will be raffled off. It was! To the same woman that purchased the wolf!

And then I had this table for the mini-sharts, the two ceramics, coloring books (free crayons with purchase!), complimentary matches and business cards.

I had all the shrouds on another table ready to go with their respective pieces. This is what they looked like at home leaning against the World's Biggest Television:

I went ahead and stayed limp until my metalhead posse arrived to stand around me in a protective circle as they had been instructed. Bless all of them. My display of lovely ladies:

And the beautiful wee lady at the far far right is the co-artist at this event, Dreama Dominick. Her work can be found on her facebook page: Dreama Dominick Art Works. Here's a sample:

I like the idea of a dual show. But I wish they had paired Dreama with a civilized human being instead of the Assclownery Ahoy bullshit she was forced to endure from my half of the room. Savages, every single one! I broached this subject at the very beginning and was told they like to "mix it up." Well, Mission Accomplished!

But Dreama was lovely and super game about the whole thing, sailing along with the SS NUTSAC to the very end! May her next show be worthy of her and her talent, and not hijacked by fucking pirates. Yo Ho!

Out of all this chaos, the most shocking aspect is HOW MUCH STUFF SOLD. OMG. "Goldburger" of course was raffled. But they bought "Wolf," "Wasp Woman," "I Just Work Here," "He Is Coming Again" (by the BFF whose house is already filled to the brim with my garbage -- I tried to talk him out of it), "Inner Ring, Seventh Circle," both the ceramic girls, four coloring books, and I literally came home with only one mini. D: Flabbergasted doesn't even cover it. I am touched and shocked and honored.

SO: To celebrate my new massive fame, all the pieces that came back with me are on sale at for 30% off until May 31! (I put May 30 on the website but I think I forgot there are 31 days in May. So you get a whole extra day!!!) All you have to do is type discount code REMAINS in the box during checkout! YAY!! BUT HURRY MOTHER'S DAY IS TOMORROW ZOMG!!

Thank you to everyone that came out! Thanks to dooGALLERY for tolerating us! And I will close out with a photo of my First Official Patched-In Member of N.A.D.S.:



Friday, March 27, 2015

Blatant Product Shilling

Look what I ordered:

Personalized matchbooks! Can you believe it?? The innerwebs is truly divine! I ordered them here: They are wonderful and I am totally satisfied, but if you order your own matches do plan ahead, because it took one day shy of three weeks to receive the order. They warn you on the site, and they're not kidding.

Naturally the website is mostly aimed at bridezillas and party planners. (For instance, I wish they had a more varied assortment of icons to choose from, such as a goat head or pentagram...I had to settle for the anchor.) But the beauty of capitalism, combined with automated ordering systems, is that, as long as you pay them, companies will print WHATEVER YOU WANT!! It's glorious!!

--Wait, did I even post about the rubber stamps I ordered? Holy shit. Write it down. Bookmark it. Memorize it. You can thank me later.

I may have mentioned that my second favorite movie of all time is Top Secret! Number One being, of course, the Predator. Top Secret makes liberal use of rubber stamp jokes. First off the logo is this:

I had this made:

I think I could have added rounded corners, I can't remember. But the square corners were cheaper and good enough for me. It does help to be married to a graphic designer that speaks Font because he was able to jump right to the ones I needed. But you can poke around and do it the long way if you don't have free access to a nerd.

Now that stamp is really cool...but my fondest wish was to own this one:

What a time saver this stamp would be! But surely no one would be soulless enough to actually allow me to place the order?!? is that soulless. BEHOLD:

BEHOLD MY SHITTY PHOTO because I can't find a better one right now. As soon as I received it I stamped all our bills and any loose paper I could find. It is the greatest thing I have ever owned.

While committing your pearls of wisdom to rubber immortality, be sure to check the clearance bin -- when I placed my order the Classified stamps were on sale. There's another line where you can add whatever you like. I liked this:

Also check this out:


Oh my god, one more thing about stamps. This is what happens when I go a year between posts. You owe it to yourself to get this address stamper:

Link: Address Stamp Kit

I KNOW, IT'S AT WALMART. LET ME FINISH. It's actually a fully customizable mini letterpress that comes with two different sets of letters and I think it was like $12. You can use it to do things like this:

You see what I mean?? The possibilities are endless! The product appears to be in-store only, so choke down your soul, wear a ball cap and sunglasses if you have to, just get down to the Walmarks office supply section ASAP. You will not regret it.

Alright, I need to wrap up this giant product shill:

So in the future, I will be returning to probably for the spools of ribbon, definitely for more matches, and for who knows what else because they basically have everything. And poor will continue to take my abuse as long as I wish it.

I commend these heroes, and others, for repeatedly turning the other cheek while I manipulate them in my acts of civil disobedience, slap them on the ass, and leave the money on the dresser.

Hush now, dry your tears -- it's all for the greater good...

Saturday, March 21, 2015

N.U.T.S.A.C. Field Report

My company recently relocated to a new building and left us IT folks here to die in the old one. We've reverted to a feral state, wearing only tattered rags and eating what we find, burning broken office furniture for warmth.

But the worst part is that with the Company Morale Pep Squad gone, no one is here to maintain the Associate of the Month wall! I heroically took it upon myself to shine a light in the darkness, restore dignity to the break room, and honor the great people that make a difference!


You'll note that they also took away our color printers. A wise move.



The Hamburglar had the glory almost within his reach, but Mr. Spock's untimely demise knocked the brass ring right out of his little red mitt. Sorry buddy! RIP Mr. Spock. :(

I realize that the Associate of the Month wall might at first glance appear to be unfairly dominated by white males. However, I will argue that the Macho Man is technically orange, and also possibly (at times) a cross-dresser, while Mr. Spock is a Jewish Vulcan who is sometimes green or yellow or like a muddy beige depending on the season. Therefore a rich rainbow of colors and races are actually represented! Though it is true that a woman has not yet been thusly honored.

The wall on which these plaques are displayed is scheduled for demolition soon. If this demolition does not occur by April 1 [Update: it did], I vow to shove the Hamburglar's larcenous ass to the ground for another month and finally recognize one of the many women that make this nation great! (Unless the Hamburglar is a woman? Do we know for sure?) This one is for equality!! [Update: And then the Hamburglar went hipster in retaliation. I did not know I had such power. Sorry everyone...]

Friends, my time with the conch shell is ending, so I will sign off. It's my turn to gather old business cards and empty Lean Cuisine boxes for the fire pit. Please keep us in your thoughts during this difficult time.



Thursday, March 19, 2015

Now I've Discovered Candles

Hey, only two months this time! That's an improvement, right?

So one of my friends said "We're making candles." I said, "Okay." The ladies came over and we proceeded to decimate my kitchen.

I filled some glass containers I got at a thrift store:

And some that were a gift:

But you know me, as soon as I find a new medium I have to start screwing with it. So I saved some empty soup cans, spray painted them with white primer, then yellow Rust-Oleum, then glow-in-the-dark spray paint which turned out to be a complete disappointment - the nozzle keeps clogging, and with four layers of paint the thing barely puts out a weak glow. (Please note: This was not a Krylon product. ALWAYS USE KRYLON.) Then I stenciled on a Toxic Waste symbol and clear coat:

I filled it with melted soy wax to which I added green and yellow dye chips, then tossed in chunks of an old brown candle for realism:

Ah, the 80s! Doesn't that take you back? (If you're old.) Remember when life was simple and all we had to fear was Russia and toxic waste? Which was seemingly EVERYWHERE? Those were good times.

The tall white candle from the earlier photo wasn't quite finished:

I added the horrifying photo of two monkeys and glued some bedazzles on it. Much improved.

I am now addicted to candles, so if you have a birthday coming up, go ahead and expect one. And now for no reason at all, here's a photo of my little doodle tearing ass around the dining room: