Saturday, November 27, 2010

Night of the Rip-Offs

I saw an ad for the Night of the Demons remake DVD, and the photograph of the featured demon was so painterly that I couldn't resist. I have no interest in seeing this remake, and I am sick of remakes, but the demon was great looking. I hate my camera and my dark house, blah blah, here it is:

IMG_6117_1IMG_6118_1I shot this in the super dark guest room because it's hanging on the wall and it's really heavy and I didn't feel like lugging it back downstairs. Actually it probably looks better blurry.

Remember this guy?

Library - 8887He got tired of hosting kids' parties and decided to join the Insane Clown Posse.

IMG_6119IMG_6120_1I have no idea how piggy banks work. It's an insolvable mystery on par with magnets. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this video:

You'll be glad you did.

This bank is my brother's Xmas gift. By now he's expecting this sort of thing from me. I wouldn't want to disappoint him by actually purchasing a gift. That wouldn't be in the spirit of the season, would it? I don't think so.

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap II -- Continued

To recap, the theme this time is "Home." Here's what I received:

Postcard frontPostcard backI love the insane scribbles and liberal use of duct tape. A woman after my own heart! There is embroidery on the candies. I put it on a shelf in my art studio. Here's what I sent:

IMG_6113_1A truly accurate representation of my house. Also I totally forgot about the required "stitch" part until the end, so I braided up some cord and made a handle real quick. Oops.

Yay postcard swap! I hope she receives it.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm So in Demand

My nephew actually insisted that I do a painting for him. He's...what is he, 16 maybe? And by now you're aware of my usual subject matter. So is he. But my sister's not so much with the humor of it, so I took a minute to decide what would get me in the least amount of trouble. Finally I decided on UFOs in Paris:


At least I think it's Paris. Doesn't that look like l'Arc de Triomphe? Except I didn't think there were so many buildings that close to it. But that's easy enough to fix:


Problem solved.

Commemorative Paintings

Some events in life are so resplendent that they must be commemorated. One of these glorious occasions was the birth of my good friends' baby. She is in the Wu Tang Clan and her name is Tha BZA. Tha BZA's birth was so momentous that none other than Run DMC came to witness the miracle:


(As you can tell by the gold ribbon, I was literally on my way out the door when I remembered to take the photo. I consider this progress.) But that Holiest of Events paled in comparison with Sharktopus. Anybody else seen this turd?

God bless the SyFy channel. I first commemorated it with the Etch-A-Sketch app on my phone:

But that just didn't do it justice. Luckily I found the perfect seascape in my pile of Goodwill paintings, and Sharktopus made himself at home:


I must warn you -- no matter how magical Sharktopus seems, the movie is nigh unwatchable. But if you've ever seen a SyFy "Original" before, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

But I'll tell you what is watchable, no pun intended: "Ghostwatch." Stealing this from Wikipedia - "Ghostwatch is a British horror-mockumentary television movie that was broadcast on BBC1 on 31 October (Halloween) 1992. Despite having been recorded weeks in advance, the narrative was presented as 'live' television. Due to the furore that followed its first and only UK television broadcast, the film is now widely regarded as being one of the most controversial British television events in recent years." It basically did a "War of the Worlds" on folks and everyone had to be fired. You can watch the whole thing on Youtube in 9 or 10 parts. I say 9 or 10 because for some reason, maybe to extend the joke, Part 9 comes up with an error and you have to skip to the one called 9/10 to finish it. I love "Ghostwatch" and I think it was really ahead of its time. Also I love massive-scale pranks.

One of my favorite details in "Ghostwatch" is the hilarious painting of a sheet-wearing ghost over the mantel in the television studio. If I had any skillz at all I would screen-cap it here, but I don't. Anyway I loved it so much I decided to make my own:


Maybe we need a new monitor at home. I swear these shots look really dark, then I correct them, and then they're too light. Anyway this dude came out creepier than the one in "Ghostwatch," but that's okay.

So now I guess I'm developing a habit of painting shit I see on television. This can't end well.

Robots and Aliens or Whatever

I found these things at Michael's. They came in a set of six, but then I found one of the robots loose, so I got him too. I don't know what they're made of but they feel like chalk and I'm not sure how long they're going to last. But I primed and painted them anyway, and then coated them with varnish:


Awww! They're buddies!! Here's the aliens or whatever:


Awww! They're buddies too!! There are two others that I haven't painted yet, but they're primed and ready to go, sitting on the pile of other junk that's primed and ready to go. I suppose I'll get to them eventually.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap II!!

She's doing it again! The theme this time is "Home." I need to get my brain in gear for this because right now it's stuck on Halloween and Fangoria. Not sure if I can get "home" out of that.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Teen Idol Fever

So my 8-year-old niece is totally obsessed with the Jonas Brothers. Or at least she was last Xmas, who knows what she's moved onto in the last 7 months. She's pretty fickle. Anyhoo, I found this little box in the thrift store:

Then I went to the store and purchased BOP! magazine. When I used to get BOP! it was filled with Duran Duran, Adam Ant, Madonna, all the 80s staples. Now it's absolutely jam packed with children. And surveys. "Which tarted up 10-year-old TV Star are you??????" "Which of the 17 Jonas Brothers will you marry?????" "EAT PIZZA?? WHICH PIZZA???" "THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA!!!!" Every single page is migraine-inducing. God I'm old.

In the name of crafting I put on my sunglasses, unlocked my jaw, and soldiered through, ferreting out the Jonii and clipping them free from their neon hell. I spray painted the box gold, let it dry, and decoupaged the lads to the box. After some spray varnish I decided the Jonii looked lonely and scared without all that bright loud shit closing in on them, so I glued some Bedazzler gems on -- because what 8-year-old girl doesn't like sparkle??? -- and then made it worse with squiggles and hearts from a Sharpie. I hammered in some gold studs from the Bedazzler as tiny feet for the box, and here it is in all its hideous glory:

Don't ask me to name them because I have no idea. But I did learn that those "in the know" call them "the Jo Bros!"

I figure "Jo Bro" is the singular form. I'm probably wrong. Top:

And bottom:

See? I told you -- they LOVE PIZZA!! OH MY GOD THEY LOVE IT SO MUCH. The good news is that Sierra loved the box, but I gave her the decimated carcass of BOP! and I think she loved that more. And then I got the okay from her mom to get her a subscription, and apparently she loves that MORE. More than THE JONAS BROTHERS LOVE PIZZA EVEN?? WAIT UNTIL NEXT ISSUE TO FIND OUT!!!

I need a drink.

KISS vs the Craftenstein in the Park

I was asked to paint Paul Stanley as a zombie, with the only stipulation being "lots of chest hair." Don't be crazy - it wouldn't be Paul Stanley without a ton of chest hair!

You'll note that the undead transformation has not affected his fashion sense. Who could say no to this face?

This is one of the rare times that I actually went out and bought a blank canvas panel instead of altering an existing painting. The canvas panel in the frame was so old and moldy and warped that it wasn't worth saving, but the frame was fine, so I used it for this project and started from scratch.

If Gene Simmons is reading this, he can rest assured I am giving this as a gift and am not selling it for profit. Please don't sue me. Also I am broke so just forget it. Thanks.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Revenge Art

My friend and coworker Patti is so supportive regarding my terrible shit artwork. She reads this blog and comments on my retardo escapades, and even contributed this lovely piece to the effort:

It hangs over my craft area at home and I just love it. Sparkly eyes!!

When I found this painting I decided it would be a perfect thank you/punishment for all of her positive support over the years. Guess which part I added:

If you guessed this:

...give yourself a pat on the back. Can you believe that bush overhanging the border? And the birch trees sticking out the top? HAHAHA! Absolutely ridiculous.

I hope Patti has learned her lesson. Though truly the joke is on me right now because it's hanging in her cubicle and I have to see that bullshit every time I walk past. Well played, Patti. Well played. ;)

Postcard Round Up

Here's the postcard I received from the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap:
All of the lines are machine stitched. Isn't it lovely? And it comes with tea! Royal Mail is the best. Thank you! Here's the ones I sent:

The theme was "time" and I'm no good with vague themes so I sent both of my weak interpretations. It is my fervent hope that these postcards look better in person than they do in these terrible shots. I decoupaged the images and then sprayed clear coat on them, so the reflections were unavoidable. At any rate I'm sure my recipient will never participate in this event again.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap

I just found out about this and signed up. I hope it's not too late:

(Hopefully I've made that photo a link to the page.) This sounds like a lot of fun. I usually like to have more parameters because abstract concepts make me nervous, but I'm gonna give it a shot because it's postcard size and maybe I won't get night sweats. Hurry because today is the last day to sign up! I'll post my terrible contribution on my page and also here when I get it hammered out . And these are the other contributors.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Pig Butcher

This guy started off as a blank white unvarnished ceramic pig-chef with holes in his hands presumably for holding wooden spoons or something in the kitchen. It seemed bizarre and frightening as is, but I decided to take it further.

That's his tail back there. The whole idea is just weird. Anyway, once he was all blood spattered it was time for some tools. I found a strange little spike at the Salvation Army, along with a couple of cheese knives that I Frankensteined together to make a cleaver. The Frankensteined cleaver still kind of looked like a safe, cute cheese knife, so I went at it with the dremel and then covered it with blood:

I made his face runny so he's less Friendly Corner Butcher and more Texas Chainsaw Massacre:

Love the Krylon black primer and love the poly varnish. Whatever crap you slap down in between them comes off looking ten times better than it would otherwise.

I've got some magic happening on the easel right now. It's another request and it's breaking new ground in stupidity. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Go Beavers

I like to make the BFF's birthday special every year, because he is a very special person. And by special I mean "special." You know what I mean. So I made this for him:

He's crazy for Teen Wolf. And by crazy I mean "crazy." You know what I mean.

Then I had a request for a painting of Harry Dean Stanton. I thought this would be a good challenge and a nice break from my usual asshattery. I came up with this:

The BFF says it looks like Fredo Corleone. But that's why he gets shit like Teen Wolf.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Sometimes a "before" painting is so bad there is just no saving it. To wit:

What in the hell is this supposed to be? Potatoes? My best guess was a Totoro retirement community, but ultimately I just didn't want to put that much effort into it. So I finally just re-gessoed the whole thing and did this:

King Diamond's awesomeness is so great that any attempt to capture it results in something resembling a poor man's Metalocalypse. And I think we all know that would be a very, very poor man indeed.