Friday, March 27, 2015

Blatant Product Shilling

Look what I ordered:

Personalized matchbooks! Can you believe it?? The innerwebs is truly divine! I ordered them here: They are wonderful and I am totally satisfied, but if you order your own matches do plan ahead, because it took one day shy of three weeks to receive the order. They warn you on the site, and they're not kidding.

Naturally the website is mostly aimed at bridezillas and party planners. (For instance, I wish they had a more varied assortment of icons to choose from, such as a goat head or pentagram...I had to settle for the anchor.) But the beauty of capitalism, combined with automated ordering systems, is that, as long as you pay them, companies will print WHATEVER YOU WANT!! It's glorious!!

--Wait, did I even post about the rubber stamps I ordered? Holy shit. Write it down. Bookmark it. Memorize it. You can thank me later.

I may have mentioned that my second favorite movie of all time is Top Secret! Number One being, of course, the Predator. Top Secret makes liberal use of rubber stamp jokes. First off the logo is this:

I had this made:

I think I could have added rounded corners, I can't remember. But the square corners were cheaper and good enough for me. It does help to be married to a graphic designer that speaks Font because he was able to jump right to the ones I needed. But you can poke around and do it the long way if you don't have free access to a nerd.

Now that stamp is really cool...but my fondest wish was to own this one:

What a time saver this stamp would be! But surely no one would be soulless enough to actually allow me to place the order?!? is that soulless. BEHOLD:

BEHOLD MY SHITTY PHOTO because I can't find a better one right now. As soon as I received it I stamped all our bills and any loose paper I could find. It is the greatest thing I have ever owned.

While committing your pearls of wisdom to rubber immortality, be sure to check the clearance bin -- when I placed my order the Classified stamps were on sale. There's another line where you can add whatever you like. I liked this:

Also check this out:


Oh my god, one more thing about stamps. This is what happens when I go a year between posts. You owe it to yourself to get this address stamper:

Link: Address Stamp Kit

I KNOW, IT'S AT WALMART. LET ME FINISH. It's actually a fully customizable mini letterpress that comes with two different sets of letters and I think it was like $12. You can use it to do things like this:

You see what I mean?? The possibilities are endless! The product appears to be in-store only, so choke down your soul, wear a ball cap and sunglasses if you have to, just get down to the Walmarks office supply section ASAP. You will not regret it.

Alright, I need to wrap up this giant product shill:

So in the future, I will be returning to probably for the spools of ribbon, definitely for more matches, and for who knows what else because they basically have everything. And poor will continue to take my abuse as long as I wish it.

I commend these heroes, and others, for repeatedly turning the other cheek while I manipulate them in my acts of civil disobedience, slap them on the ass, and leave the money on the dresser.

Hush now, dry your tears -- it's all for the greater good...

Saturday, March 21, 2015

N.U.T.S.A.C. Field Report

My company recently relocated to a new building and left us IT folks here to die in the old one. We've reverted to a feral state, wearing only tattered rags and eating what we find, burning broken office furniture for warmth.

But the worst part is that with the Company Morale Pep Squad gone, no one is here to maintain the Associate of the Month wall! I heroically took it upon myself to shine a light in the darkness, restore dignity to the break room, and honor the great people that make a difference!


You'll note that they also took away our color printers. A wise move.



The Hamburglar had the glory almost within his reach, but Mr. Spock's untimely demise knocked the brass ring right out of his little red mitt. Sorry buddy! RIP Mr. Spock. :(

I realize that the Associate of the Month wall might at first glance appear to be unfairly dominated by white males. However, I will argue that the Macho Man is technically orange, and also possibly (at times) a cross-dresser, while Mr. Spock is a Jewish Vulcan who is sometimes green or yellow or like a muddy beige depending on the season. Therefore a rich rainbow of colors and races are actually represented! Though it is true that a woman has not yet been thusly honored.

The wall on which these plaques are displayed is scheduled for demolition soon. If this demolition does not occur by April 1 [Update: it did], I vow to shove the Hamburglar's larcenous ass to the ground for another month and finally recognize one of the many women that make this nation great! (Unless the Hamburglar is a woman? Do we know for sure?) This one is for equality!! [Update: And then the Hamburglar went hipster in retaliation. I did not know I had such power. Sorry everyone...]

Friends, my time with the conch shell is ending, so I will sign off. It's my turn to gather old business cards and empty Lean Cuisine boxes for the fire pit. Please keep us in your thoughts during this difficult time.



Thursday, March 19, 2015

Now I've Discovered Candles

Hey, only two months this time! That's an improvement, right?

So one of my friends said "We're making candles." I said, "Okay." The ladies came over and we proceeded to decimate my kitchen.

I filled some glass containers I got at a thrift store:

And some that were a gift:

But you know me, as soon as I find a new medium I have to start screwing with it. So I saved some empty soup cans, spray painted them with white primer, then yellow Rust-Oleum, then glow-in-the-dark spray paint which turned out to be a complete disappointment - the nozzle keeps clogging, and with four layers of paint the thing barely puts out a weak glow. (Please note: This was not a Krylon product. ALWAYS USE KRYLON.) Then I stenciled on a Toxic Waste symbol and clear coat:

I filled it with melted soy wax to which I added green and yellow dye chips, then tossed in chunks of an old brown candle for realism:

Ah, the 80s! Doesn't that take you back? (If you're old.) Remember when life was simple and all we had to fear was Russia and toxic waste? Which was seemingly EVERYWHERE? Those were good times.

The tall white candle from the earlier photo wasn't quite finished:

I added the horrifying photo of two monkeys and glued some bedazzles on it. Much improved.

I am now addicted to candles, so if you have a birthday coming up, go ahead and expect one. And now for no reason at all, here's a photo of my little doodle tearing ass around the dining room: