Xmas Can Go Away Now

My Romanian hairdresser likes to pretend her homeland isn't crawling with werewolves and draculas. She even pretended she didn't know the word "werewolf" and asked, "Vat is this?" when I said it. PLEASE. Do not insult my intelligence, lady. We know ALL ABOUT ROMANIA.

To prove to her that I'm wise to the charade, I made her this cross stitch for Xmas:

Of course the vampire, werewolf and bat patterns came from Makato's Cross Stitch Super Collection! I googled the flag, and thankfully Wikipedia got it right. Or she's lying to spare my feelings.

These next presents are in the mail, and I don't think I'm taking any real chance posting them early. They are for the BFF's sons. One is into Frankenstein, so I made him this scratch art:

The other son is getting this intestine mirror:

It used to just be pink with the word "Princess" on it. Disgusting. I left the mirror out for the photo because I didn't feel like being in it. That would have been even more disgusting.

I'll post the other stuff once it's been delivered. Only four more days...ugh.

Last Minute Chrismukkah Gift?

Amazingly, almost all of my terrible "art" sold at the benefit. Huzzah! I gave a few things away at the end because I did not want that garbage coming back into my house. But the rest sold for actual American dollars!

This one thing had to come home with me. Several people told me "I want this so bad...but I have kids." Take note, folks: once you have kids, casual everyday pornography goes out the window. Or so I've been told.

Here is my tray depicting the dangers of eating undercooked shellfish:

Size 16x22"

What an amazing Chrismukkah gift this would be! If anyone wants this, let me know in the comments. (Locals only please.) I'm hoping for about $25, and I'm still going to give the money to savestopperdave.com. Make me an offer! Overpay because it's for charity! And make someone's Chrismukkah dream come true.

Hurry - only 9 shopping days until Xmas!!

Stopper

Long story short: The BFF was in a punk band called Stopper. A situation occurred and the singer went to jail. His friends and family and the band would like to have him moved to a facility that can better serve his needs. Towards that end, the BFF has created a documentary telling the story. You can learn all about it right here:

Save Stopper Dave

This website also has artwork and other items for sale to raise money for the effort and also to help cover legal fees.

In addition, there will be a benefit show on December 8 at 9 pm at the Drunken Unicorn.

Stopper Reunion Show

At this show, there's gonna be a raffle. When I heard the word "raffle" a lightbulb appeared over my head and I announced "I'M GONNA CLEAN OUT MY HOUSE." I asked the BFF if I could donate piles of terrible shit "artwork" to this raffle. He said yes. HUZZAH!!

So here's what I'm hoping to donate. I'm going to pile up all the photos and then send this link to the lovely gal that is organizing the raffle and also managing the band. I am sure that these chores redefine the phrase "thankless task." I wish her the best.

This box

The Bacon Purse-Box

This ugly Fangoria Purse-Box (Jinny, feel free to veto any of this garbage.)

This mini-casket

All these here trays

The Cheeto Angel in the middle is gone, but the Hot Pink Jesus and Angel remain.

The weird Tiny Tim Demon Head Shelf

The wounded cherub

The weird ass twin demons

The Cenobite

These two hat boxes:

These last two photos are great, right? My house is a cave.

Like I said, feel free to veto any of this crap. Here are the ones that I don't want to go in a $1 raffle, but maybe you could get better money for them somehow. (Or, if anyone wants to offer me real money for them, towards the Save Stopper Dave fund, let's talk. Hell, if anyone wants to offer money for ANY of this crap towards the Save Stopper Dave fund, let's talk.) (I would prefer to handle locally. Please refer to all of my posts Re: The USPS Is The Devil.)

L'il Spaulding

Drippy the Ghost

Pig Butcher

Alien Angel

Oh, and I have some slightly pornographic bookmarks and postcards that we could sell if you want, Jinny. Probably not worth raffling. I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING.

Okay, so everyone come out to this benefit and support Stopper and also win some of my terrible shit "art." Bring your Xmas list! Mom would love a hot pink Jesus!

Update: I have just sold the Alien Angel and the blue Octopus hatbox. Yay charity!

Update Two:The Pig Butcher just found a loving home. Yay!! Stopper's gonna be mad rich!!

Stealth Mode

This is the time of year when I'm working furiously on Top Secret Xmas Projects that CANNOT BE REVEALED until after delivery. Sometimes delivery happens in February. Or June. So it's gonna be quiet around here for a while.

But as usual I have a couple of things leftover. My neighbor keeps making delicious desserts and bringing them to my house. She is awesome. I told her that when I'm on my deathbed, all I will need is her oreo truffles. (A morphine drip would be rad too.) The last thing she brought over was four very delicious pumpkin cupcakes. My husband is lucky he even got to eat one of them. I made my neighbor this gift to encourage her to keep the desserts coming:

Dragon*Con this year was particularly successful for N.U.T.S.A.C. My brother and I decided that our greatest Con achievements should be commemorated in patch form. We documented said achievements, and I have been busily working on embroidering these patches. Xmas is a huge hurdle so I had to put them on hold, but I sent over the patches that I had finished so that he may begin learning how to sew them on to whatever he's going to sew them on. I have purchased a denim jacket, removed the sleeves, and studded it up in preparation for N.U.T.S.A.C. Achievement Glory. Here's the ones I've finished so far: (They are taking FOREVER.)

Here's something I'm kind of proud of. I bought that metal stamping kit and started making keychains, such as this one for the BFF:

This has been good practice for the Grand Plan. You see, thrift stores are full of old trophies. Most have a football player or golfer or something mounted on top, making them fairly specified. But I found a couple that I decided had real potential and I picked them up for later. My plan was to have new plates engraved, until I found out how much engraving costs. Eff that. So then I found out you could engrave with a dremel! I love my dremel! But my handwriting is abysmal. Strike Two. Then I bought this stamping set. So I've been practicing with these keyrings to get better and neater with the lettering. I decided I was ready to try it for real.

This award was for Brittany or Taylor getting straight As or something. She was so excited to get the award that I picked it up at Goodwill for $2. It turns out that those fancy brass plates are held on the awards with regular old double stick tape. No shit. So I peeled it off, dremeled the same size plate out of a blank metal sheet, and rechristened it:

Hammering the metal letters causes the metal sheet to pucker a bit and the ensuing reflection on the letters makes them hard to read. So I decided to rub some black acrylic paint into the letters and wipe away the surface paint to make it easier to read.

The BFF's son has really earned his keep this year. But I'd rather not put his name out on the interwebs, so I blurred it. Congratulations, PBBPBPBMMMBM!! (PS - If there's anyone out there that knows PBBPBPBMMMBM, this is a secret until Xmas. I just feel like bragging now. So keep it quiet.)

I am excited at the result because I have at least two more awards at home that are getting rechristened. And I am going back on the hunt for more. YAY for metal stamping!!

Life In Plastic, It's Fantastic!

A couple of days ago my coworker coincidentally asked me if I could recommend something that could keep a chain from loudly clanking against a metal case. I recommended my good friend Plasti Dip! He was aware of Plasti Dip, having used it in the past to coat bike parts. But he uses it in spray form!! "Wow, how cancerous is that?" I wondered. I can't wait to find out, because aerosol Plasti Dip is RIFE WITH POSSIBILITY. SQUEE!!

I told my coworker that I have only used Plasti Dip for real grown-up reasons once, the aforementioned hammer-dipping, and that I usually just use it for pranks such as dipping my Barbies' heads in it. He responded, "Barbie heads??" I realized then that the poor dear has no idea what Plasti Dip is for.

Today I brought him a gift, which I strapped to his filing cabinet thusly:

Her forehead reads, "ASK ME ABOUT PLASTIDIP." I wrote our initials with "To:" and "From:" on the back so that when he's accused of being a serial killer he has some evidence that it was a gift and not some kind of effigy.

Come on Barbie, let's go party! Even if you can no longer brush the hair.

Diggin' Through the Pile

I'm hopefully going to be unloading tons of "art" in the name of charity. I've been digging through the house and unearthing potential sale items. It's funny how much stuff I have put on the wall or on a shelf and then ignored until it all just became part of the scenery. Here are two of the things I found.

The first is a wooden mini-coffin. These things are great! I get them at Michael's at Halloween, stockpile them, and decorate them as the mood strikes. I sprayed this one with Krylon black primer and decoupaged Fangoria stuff on it. I also have a bunch of plastic bugs which I colored with a gold sharpie and glued to the box with E-6000.

The metal "nails" are Bedazzle studs that I nailed in with a tack hammer. His eyes are Bedazzle rhinestones that I glued on.

This is just all sharpie. I hope one day to be buried in something as fine as this.

Oh yeah, I have piles of those rad little skeletons, too. I usually get them at Big Lots and they come on a rope. He's a little too tall but I was able to squish him into the coffin.

The next thing was a Barbie box/purse thing (I need to find out what these are actually called, since I'm disfiguring them on the regular.) I started it before I discovered Krylon black primer (friends, those were dark times), so I just decoupaged a bunch of Fangoria stuff on it and then colored in pink parts with sharpie. It didn't work so great:

That's some weird useless hollow rubber skull on an elastic string. I have no idea where it came from, but it reminds me of the kind of thing that one prize ticket would buy you at the counter at Showbiz Pizza.

It's just flowers and sushine over at my place! Here's the inside. I left the ribbon saying "Barbie" because I really didn't want to replace it and I figured since the sharpie wasn't working out so good I wouldn't bother trying to color it:

I lined the whole interior with red duct tape, which is sort of working but also keeps peeling up around the edges. Then I added a duct tape pocket and a Fink patch, and the requisite G.B.H sticker. So critical. And I glued in some bat trim. I need to remember where I ordered it from because that place was rad. I'll figure it out. Anyway, this thing is a hot mess so it's going cheap.

If this charity thing happens, I'll post about it so everyone can come purchase my terrible shit "art" and feel good about themselves. I like to give back to the community.

101 Uses for Pron (and One Use for Plasti Dip)

This year at Dragon*Con I was able to find my favorite vendor again and plop down $20 for 12 vintage porn mags. He didn't have any swingers catalogs like before, but he had a ton of Leg Action and magazines featuring big butts. It turns out that "Leg Action" is code for "foot fetish." Who knew!

The first thing I did was decoupage my very last bamboo tray:

"Bing Crosby says: Man, this is really relaxin'..." Sorry, Bing.

Then I made a puzzle for my brother to thank him for his contribution to Dragon*Con this year:

I found these packs of blank puzzles with envelopes that I guess you're supposed to draw on or whatever. I decided to glue pictures on instead. I have a lot of trouble cutting through the photo around the puzzle shapes, so these have turned out rather messy. But I'm working it out.

I have to return some things to KC/DC that ended up in our stuff after the Con, so I made her a lovely gift bag:

And I wanted to finish up a conversation that my brother and I started in the Hilton stairwell, so I made one more postcard. I ran out of room on the back, so the final sentence had to wrap around to the front side:

Folks, I can't get enough of this foot porn. My apologies to anyone that has this fetish for real, but I just think it's hilarious.

I also think it's hilarious that after inflicting so much pain on me in the past (and future), the postal service has to keep enduring my postcards because it's THEIR JOB, and also because I put no return address on the postcards and THEY HAVE NO CHOICE. MWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

And lastly, I finally cracked open that can of Plasti Dip because I had an actual reason to: stamping metal letters into sheets of metal on a metal block with a hammer pretty much killed my left hand for two days. So I decided to Plasti Dip my hammer. That's it on the far left:

The rest are assorted doll parts that I have been saving up. Dipping doll heads into Plasti Dip is way satisfying. But since the only color Home Depot carries is black, it gives everything an 80s Environmental Statement feel. Like I should pile up the coated doll parts next to an oil drum with "Toxic Waste" painted on the side and mail the whole thing to Emilio Estevez. Outside of that, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this stuff, but the important thing is that I stunk up the whole house for two days.

And here's the project that caused the arthritic hand:

N.U.T.S.A.C. IS GOIN' LEGIT. Our actions can no longer be questioned! We have Important Business that must be carried out, and now we have Official Badges to prove it. Best to just stay out of our way.

My plan is to use these metal letters to stamp new brass plates in order to re-christen thrift store trophies. I have one at home that I am preparing, and I hope it works out. Because I have seen the cost of engraving and it horrifies me. I own a dremel and an engraving tool, but my handwriting is abysmal so that's not an option.

Tip of the Day: Pay close attention if you purchase a set of these metal letters -- many of them are brush script. And no one wants that. *shudder* Also I stamped my keyring (pictured) with the comma instead of the period. Rookie mistake, but you can't actually tell. Okay, that's two tips. Now I need a nap.