My Magnum Opus

I'm not even kidding. I have peaked. This is it. I can die now.

LOOK UPON MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT AND WITHER BEFORE ITS GLORY:

Now LOOK UPON IT AGAIN IN PERHAPS BETTER LIGHTING, AND BE FURTHER DISMAYED:

OKAY, MAYBE NOT BETTER LIGHTING. BEHOLD THE BACK:

COWER AT THE PERFECTION OF THE MAD NICE GRASS PATTERN FABRIC I FOUND IN THE SALE BIN AT HOBBY LOBBY!! GAPE AND THRASH AS YOUR UNWORTHY EYES ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND THE PERFECT SYNCHRONICITY OF MOVIE AND PILLOW!! CAN IT BE TRUE?? CAN SUCH A THING EXIST?

[Side note: If you have not seen the Predator, get off this page and don't come back until you have seen it. No, not the new one. I don't care if it does have Trejo in it. The original. GO NOW.]

Oh, how special the BFF's Xmas was this year! Certainly a single tear squeezed from his little eye as the wrapping paper burst open to reveal this, the finest gift he will ever receive. (His children don't count.) How he must have wept! How he must have known the gods had smiled upon him this day!

Personally, I hope I never see the fucking thing ever again. IT TOOK FOREVER.

It all started when I plugged this photo:

into this website: Picture Craftwork and paid them $12. Then I resubmitted it and paid another $12 because I realized I had created the pattern with the wrong stitch count. So pay attention to that.

Quickly sensing the enormity of this project, I snapped a photo of the first stitch for posterity:

Ah, how young I was. How bright-eyed.

That was back in October.

As the weeks and months passed, I looked fondly back to the time before I had this idea and wished that I had instead shot myself in the face. But it was for the BFF, so I stitched on. And on. And on.

And on. And on. Forever and ever. And ever.

At last the day came when I made the final stitch:

I could finally turn it into the pillow vision in my mind!! Sure, I had never used that type of edging rope before. But who cares!! I was so blind with rage at that point that nothing else mattered! I pinned it all together (putting a backing fabric behind the cross stitch so the fiber fill didn't come through the front) and added one of my personal labels. And a second label, one final touch: THIS TOOK FOREVER. Which is the most brilliant label ever created. Go order some.

My life now has some meaning. Nothing I do will ever top this. So please, if you will, a round of applause for my Magnum Opus:

May it burn in hell for all eternity. MERRY XMAS, BFF!!