Crap I Have Made For Gaby

This is what Gaby got for Xmas last year:

It started off as a lovely painting of a Great Dane (I think?) until the little guy started running around with a very materialistic crowd. Suddenly he found himself wearing a grill, a medallion, and bootleg NBA gear, and getting tattooed. He also became the proud owner of a gold-plated Hummer. Bad dog!

Her birthday present was a little more involved. It started with this poster and a dream:


I bought a blank wooden plaque and a clock kit at Hobby Lobby. For some reason there was a box of acrylic epoxy in my garage. I've had it for years and never used it - EnviroTex Lite Pour On High Gloss Finish, 16 oz package. Luckily, all the new-fangled craft shows on DIY and whatever that other home channel is have all been pouring this type of acrylic lately, so I had all the steps pretty much memorized and knew all the tricks.

I decided what part of Tupac I wanted to show on the plaque, and traced around the plaque. I cut him out, then decoupaged him to the wooden board. I sprayed the back of the poster with water first, which one of the craft shows said would keep it from bubbling, but it really didn't. I might not have used enough water. In retrospect I should have used a brayer. But I had purchased two posters and two plaques just in case I screwed it up, so I kept going.

After he dried I trimmed closer to the board with an exacto knife. I decided I wanted the sides of the plaque to be gold, but I know from experience that the gold paint I have is pretty watery and transparent no matter how thickly I put it on. So I first painted the sides with black acrylic paint. This also served to cover up any messy bits of bad trimming.

Trimming Tupac out to look his best left some bits of his name where I didn't want them. I had "AC" and a big squiggle to cover up, so I used a wash of white acrylic paint. The wash didn't work very well - oil is much better for washes - so I ended up really just painting and trying to blur the edges.

After all that business was dry, it was time to mix up the acrylic. Talk about paranoia - this was the serious point of no return. I read the directions about a million times, used a level to make sure Tupac was lying flat on the raised blocks I was using, and mixed up the proper amount of acrylic coating. It pours on really thick, so there was no need to shore up the sides with tape or anything. I smeared it around to make sure it coated the whole plaque. Then it was time to monitor for drips. It did pretty well, but there was one area of the plaque that would not stop dripping, despite the fact that I babysat it for an hour and half. Ultimately I was forced to go on with my life and just let it do its thing. It had to cure for 72 hours.

On Sunday I wrangled the husband into the garage to get ready to drill the hole for my clock kit. First of all the clock kit I purchased had a stem that was too short to make it all the way through the clock and the acrylic coating, so I had to go to Joanne's. (I would have gone to Hobby Lobby, but they're home with their "families and their God" on Sundays.) I returned with the correct size, and we began planning for the hole.

I was absolutely terrified that the acrylic would shatter, so I didn't make it very easy for my husband to do his job. I put some tape over Tupac's eyes so he didn't have to watch, and I went inside the house to sob and rock back and forth in the corner. A few seconds later my husband called out, "It's done." I ran out madly to check the hole, and it was perfect. He also put a hanger on the back and sanded off the few drips I didn't catch. Thanks, Honey.

The clock stem was a very close fit and almost too short again, so I glued the base to the back with E6000, and I cannot say enough good things about E6000. I attached the hands, put the battery in, set the time, and here he is:


I think he turned out pretty damned good.

Here's the back:

I gave Gaby the extra poster to do with as she wishes. I have not decided what to do with the extra plaque, but I do believe another clock is in order. I have just enough acrylic coating to do another plaque that size, and I love the result.

My goal is to fill Gaby's entire house with shit that I made for her, so her house becomes a living shrine to our love.

Up next: Etching

Etcetera

Here's some of the stuff I left out of the last post due to technical difficulties.

Jordan's cardigan:

Pattern: Lion Brand free pattern for Unisex Drop-sleeve Cardigan that I cannot find on their website now. Whatever.
Yarn: Caron Pound of Love, and also apparently some Red Heart that you can totally see on the sleeves. I assume that's what happened, as it only shows up in the photograph. Nobody tell Jordan about that.

Here's the back:

Please ignore the dumbass at the bottom.

The skull is from a free pattern I found here. I duplicate stitched it onto the sweater and added the bones because Jordan fancies himself a pirate.

Now for some paintings. As promised, I shot before pictures this time. Here they are:

The first one obviously needed Jesus in it:

The husband pointed out that this is Jesus as portrayed by Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds." Here's a closeup of his mythical bretheren Nessie and Bigfoot:


This one is 13 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I've been asked to provide those numbers elsewhere, so there you have it.

The second painting cried out for yetis:

Here's a closeup:

This one is 19 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I think the yetis turned out pretty cute, but I started wondering if maybe I should have made one giant yeti instead.

Next up: Crap I Have Made For Gaby.

Decoupage Kit Box

When we first started the Atlanta Rollergirls, everyone was shopping like crazy. Someone got the idea to order these old-style skate boxes to carry our stuff around in. When we had all our necessary equipment, such as pads and helmets, the boxes were not big enough to hold any of it, so only a few girls continued using them. I was not one of them. But I liked the box so I hung on to it.

One day I decided I was sick of keeping my decoupage crap in a million different places. I noticed the skate box gathering dust in the guest room and started making plans to use it to build a kit to haul my decoupage stuff around in.

Of course I did not take a photo of the box before I started. I swear that I will do that from now on. Just picture this box in all black with the patterned gray interior that you can still see under the ephemera.

Behold:

Spongebob is going for the touchdown and Elvis is unable to stop him! The background is some awesome wrapping paper we got on a gift from some friends, and I kept every scrap.

Here's the bottom:

Does that poodle remind anyone else of Kimora Lee Simmons? The center piece is a lenticular print of a monkey busting ass while he tries to rollerskate. Monkeys are instant comedy.

The husband thought these dials would look James Bond-y on the top:

All I know is I'm not trying to get that shit through airport security. I added duct tape to the handle because there's a seam in the plastic that makes it painful to carry.

One side:

Other side:

Bottom side:

Beastie beastie beastie beastie boys gettin' live on the spot....

Okay, let's open her up:

Ball fringe - Check. Cupie Doll - Check. Rammstein sticker - Check. Football card with super-hot quarterback boyfriend Mark Brunell's stats - Check. And gentlemen prefer Mod Podge.

I've glued elastic in to hold my sponge brushes and scissors, which are very important. At least as important as Dr. Dre.

FYI - Mary is in there because there's no law against athiests enjoying iconography.

Here's the bottom with the stuff out of it:

And another view:

And here's my EIGHT DOLLAR ACCORDIAN FILE, thank you very much Staples, that I used to finally organize my photos:

My organizational system is highly complex, but I'll attempt to explain it. I have small b/w, medium b/w, and large b/w. Then I have small color, medium color, and large color. Very tricky. Oh, I also have a section for stickers and etc. I hope that didn't blow your mind.

Paintings

Sometimes I get a wild hair up my ass and I decide to paint a canvas. Here's the typical result:
Yeah, that's a pretty bad black panther. But we haven't insulted any celebrities yet...
Ahhh... that's better! My apologies to Mr. Hasselhoff. And it's a good thing for Elvis Presley that my photo of "Glitter King" won't load for some reason.

Here's one I actually like:

Just a nice little planetscape that's not offending anyone. These three are 16x20.

I recently have begun purchasing original artwork at thrift stores and adding stuff to it. Again, I did not take before photos of the following, but I will from now on.

The first one was a nice little painting of a shrimp boat, or something, until one day it was descended upon by a hoard of UFOs:

Here's a brighter photo of it, except there's a horrible glare:

This is more true to the actual colors in the painting. I just add my name under the original artist's name, and there you have it - a collaboration! I didn't add the rope. It came that way. Nice.

The next one was a sweet, serene landscape...

...until I added the skulls and bones piled up on the sand:

And the left side:

This one and the shrimp boat went to Zeppo and her husband for Xmas. I made one other, and I think that will be in a blog entitled "Crap I Have Made For Gaby." It would be included here, but apparently those photos didn't make it onto Flickr either. Stupid Mac.

Sweaters

Boy, have I made a lot of sweaters! I didn't realize it until I started photographing them. I should mention that I'm allergic to wool, which is why acrylic is my jam.

Let's start with the Ugliest Sweater Ever:
Pattern: Interweave Knits Spring 2004, p. 92 "Striped Angora Raglan"
Yarn: Various leftover acrylic, including the itchiest gray yarn-that-isn't-wool EVER INVENTED.

I deliberately chose yarn that would not work together in order to concoct the ugliest sweater of all time. Amazingly, you would not believe the amount of compliments I have received on it. HA! I guess there really is no accounting for taste.

The sweater is knit completely in the round, from the bottom up. When you reach the sleeve area, you cast off a few stitches under each armpit, then work the sleeves in the round from the ribbing up. The sleeves are attached at the beginning and end of the cast-off point, and the sweater is worked in the round from that point up, decreasing where the raglan lines appear. Then you sew up the underarms. It's the easiest sweater pattern I've ever used, however you must have the waist measurement perfect before you start because there is no adjusting once you've started.

I went a little bigger with the following two sweaters, skipped the stripes, and embroidered a design on the front:

Supa Fly

Object That Shall Not Be Named

I won't tell you what this is supposed to be because I love to hear the guesses. I thought it was obvious until people started coming up to me and asking, "What the hell is that??" My two favorite guesses are Baked Alaska and "that thing the elephants in the circus stand on." Also, on these two the yarn is most likely Caron "Pound of Love" acrylic because it's totally cheap.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Winter 2003/04, p. 77 "All About Ease"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Celery

I loved the star button so I improvised a massive buttonhole in order to accommodate it. Not a very attractive buttonhole end product, but it works, the sweater's warm, and it's perfect for wearing around the house. I still haven't figured out how to wear that neckline, as you can tell. I love TLC Amore even though it can get a little splitty when you're trying to work with it. It's sturdy and cheap. Did I mention I'm cheap? When you knit as much as I do, you can't be a yarn snob very often.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Spring/Summer 2004, p. 78 "Jacket Required"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Raspberry

My first hood and my first zipper. I wear this one all the time, too. Also, it's not as misshapen as these photos would lead you to believe.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring Summer 2004, p. 29, pattern #4 "Striped Crew Neck"
Yarn: random leftover acrylic
Intarsia Skull: stolen from Glarkware girly skull "Death Wears a Cute Bow"

The husband said, "I know you're not bringing 12 balls of yarn on vacation to Denver." I said, "Shut up."

Pattern: generated from software during a "knit-along." Don't ask about the knit-along.
Yarn: I can't remember, I can't find the label, but if I figure it out I'll get back to you. I am sure that it's 100% acrylic. Oh, and I loved working with it. It's really soft.

The pattern-generating software was supposed to design a perfect fit based on your measurements. It didn't. I included this sweater because I used "The Sweater Workshop" by Jacqueline Fee to add pockets, and though I should have made them a bit bigger, I was very pleased with the result. I also used some really nifty German coin buttons that I found at Hobby Lobby. And I really like that green. But the sleeves are too long and the whole thing is generally too big.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring/Summer 2005, p. 62, pattern #29 "Relaxed Pullover"
Yarn: Lion Cotton Ease (50/50 Acrylic/Cotton), color Bubblegum; leftover green acrylic

I need to be better about taking "before" photos when I alter something, because this sweater had three stages. The pattern was wonky, so the long ballerina sleeves were inches too long and belled out in a ridiculous fashion, and I hated the wide neckline. I decided to shorten the sleeves to 3/4 length and add ribbing to them and also to the neckline. At that point the sleeves turned into puffy clown sleeves which were quite unflattering, and I hated them. So I ripped them out again and made them shorter. I then decided to duplicate stitch the robot's head from this Old Navy notebook cover:

And there you have it.

The next item is not exactly a sweater, and something I should also have taken a before picture of. It was a regular old Russell Athletic hoodie, but I never liked the way it fit. The sleeves were too tight, the neck was too tight, and I think I bought it because I was cold and it was on the sale rack. (There is a down side to being cheap.)

I recently saw a photo of some fashion model wearing a short-sleeved sweatshirt and was intrigued, so I decided to chop mine up since it couldn't get any worse. I cut the sleeves off, removed the waistband, and used the waistband to make new sleeve cuffs. I also notched out the neck to fit my big mushroom head better. I resewed the bottom of the pocket closed, as the waistband had been holding it together, sewed the sides of the new neckline to keep it from fraying, and painted an octopus on the front with acrylic paint.

Octopus close up:

I turn it inside out when I wash it, and it seems to be holding up okay.

It's alive! ALIVE!

Everybody has a craft blog, right? So why not me? I started blogging about my crafts on the Church of Craft myspace page, but that feels too temporary and unstable. So I'm going to try to transfer that stuff over here.

We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll craft. The Doctor is in.