Way Better than "Hellraiser: Revelations"

My brother Dennis gave me a ceramic doll that his baby daughter and wife both hate. Ha. He encouraged me to do something horrible with it. Since he handed it to me after we were well into our second or third round of cocktails, I immediately tore the hair off and got to work. Hence no before picture. But you see these things everywhere, so you can imagine how it started out.

Like I say, I tore the hair off first, which exposed a plastic cap mounted into the ceramic head. I removed that, then immediately began trying to pry the eyes out. That took a while, but I managed to remove the glue using an exacto knife and a pair of needlenose pliers. It was a bitch. But I had these Tohickon glass eyes leftover from the garden gnome project and I was dying to use them. I think these are the 124-B - Blended Aspheric Feather Band Bird Sandhill Crane:

Of course this photo is after I had sanded/goo-goned the last of the hair off and covered her with white Krylon primer. I filled the head with black Crayola Model Magic and stuck the eyes in by sealing them from behind with the model magic. This stuff is great filler because it is light as air. If I filled the head with regular clay the doll would never stand upright again because the head would weigh a ton. I filled the head in a few layers so the model magic would dry completely, then I formed a model magic brain to cover the open cap. I let it dry, then dry brushed pink/gray paint over the top and later varnished it.

My Cenobite was coming along, but she needed some clothes. So I kept checking at the craft stores in the doll section where they sell what I imagine are off-brand American Girl Doll clothes. They sell little cheerleader outfits and hats and stuff, so I found a nightgown, tore the lace off, and added a combination of red paint and leftover wet coffee grounds:

I wanted it to look like she'd been wading through the hell-muck all day, micromanaging the torture and whatnot. It came out okay and also had a nice coffee scent for a while.

Apparently American Girl dolls have huge feet, so shoes were a no-go. So I just painted her feet red and brown. That works better anyway. I kept checking the doll clothes and one day I found this super boss fake fur coat. It ruled, but the arms were too long, so I removed the cuffs, took about an inch off each sleeve, and then replaced the cuff. (Oh, I make it sound so easy! I was literally almost in tears after hand-sewing the same cuff in the wrong direction THREE TIMES. If you've ever sewn cuffs on you know what I'm talking about, but that's still at least two times too many.) It was worth it for this level of pimpness:

I found another smaller but very similar doll at a thrift store that came in a rad box with two gingham dresses (which are going straight back to the thrift store) and a pair of shoes, and I'm currently working to get all her hair off. She's smaller and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get her eyes out. Whatever glue they used on her is way stronger than the glue on this doll, so I might have to soak her head in some kind of solvent. We'll see if that one works out, but I might have to go another direction.

In conclusion, "Hellraiser: Revelations" is complete garbage and is so stupid that it cannot hurt me. DOUG BRADLEY 4 LYF.