Pollen Sucks

I am sick as hell right now from the pollen count in Hotlanta, which is so monumental that it's been featured on CNN. I'm dying. So I'm not doing much crafting. I tried to make some needle wraps, but I'm so stupid from antihistimines that I had to actually give up. So I've been knitting in fits and spurts but that's about it.

However, I have managed to do some shopping. Hancock Fabrics recently declared bankruptcy and they're bringing the savings home to us. I purchased many Vogue patterns that are regularly around $20 for $3.99 each. I don't feel the least bit vulturey about this purchase as I know from experience (Delta, I'm looking at you) that companies declare bankruptcy all the time and emerge better than ever. So go get you some patterns and fabrics and tools and whatever else they're discounting.

I can't really type anymore. It's time for more Sudafed.

Two New Paintings

The camera is back from SXSW, it's unloaded, recharged and ready to accept my deranged "artwork" again.

Here's the first victim:Nice little snowscape, boring and a little eerie, I think. Here's what happened:Oh no! Some dumbass skidded off the road into the lake! Here's a close up:I really dig that frame.

The second one looks like someone was doing shrooms when they painted it - good shrooms:I decided that if I was a unicorn, this is where I would want to die.

Ahhh... eternal rest by a purple lake. How fitting. Close up:

The Jesus/Bigfoot/Nessie painting actually sold, if you can believe that. Big thanks to the man that bought it, whomever he may be. All but these last two (and the one that sold) are hanging in a shop called Victory Vintage in Decatur, GA. Big BIG thanks to Lee for taking a chance on me. I hope I do you proud.

Nice Day For A Swim

Here's the other painting I worked on this week. I bought this at a thrift store SO AWESOME that I'm not telling anyone about it. It was either $2.98 or $3.98 - there were two different prices on the back - but I bought a mountain of crap and my total was $12, so I'm not complaining. I found it like this:
I'm not sure why the artist decided to mask off a section in the middle to paint. The landscape sometimes reaches out past the border and sometimes doesn't. This painting is confusing. Also, you can't really tell from this shot how dirty it was. There were smudges and spots all over it and there was water damage on the bottom. I finally resorted to mixing up an ivory color and washing over the whole outer edge to try to clean it up.

Then I added this:
I really hope that looks like a human, because sometimes I think it looks like someone murdered one of those articulated wooden dolls you use in illustration class. Subtle shading with acrylic is hard, and I've never had the patience for oils, so there you have it. Close up:

And, boy, am I glad I didn't use that other frame! I found this one at Goodwill last night for $3:
How rad is that? Turns out it's some kind of resin, not wood, so it was tough getting the painting to stay in there. But I think it was worth it.

I'm going to be busy with the two other paintings I got last night, but the husband is taking our camera to Texas for vacation so it might be quiet around here until he gets back. Also, I wonder how long it will take for me to max out the photo allotment on blogger.

See you in ten days!

Van Goghzilla

This week I have done two new paintings, but I will only show this one for now because the other one isn't framed yet.

I bought this at the Salvation Army for $1.99: I suspect someone had a coupla beers and thought they were Van Gogh. But they were not proud enough of their efforts to actually sign their name to it, and eventually gave it to charity. So here's what I did to it:It did not come with a frame, and since all my other ones are framed, I went to Hobby Lobby to search for something appropriate. People, frames are expensive. I don't think I ever knew how expensive they are. The cheapest one I could find was $14.99 and it was basically four mitered pine boards nailed together. Complete with random knots. And the top board was warped, which I didn't notice until I brought it home. But I gave it one coat of white paint to simulate a Frenchy-shabby-chic look to go with the Van Goghness of the original painting, and I think it turned out okay:Here's a close up of the Godzilla:So the starting price for this bitch is $16.98 to recoup my expenses. I need to learn how to use the circular saw, because clearly I am in the wrong business.

By the way, I had a really amusing experience at one thrift store as I was looking for artwork. An elderly woman saw me rifling through the frames and said to me, "There's nothing there. There's never anything collectible anymore." She launched into a tale about the many collectible original art pieces she has found in the past. As proof she had found all of these wonderful things, she kept saying about each piece, "If I could remember the artist's name, you would know who he is." She was also following me around while she talked. I managed to interject that I wasn't looking for collectibles, I was looking for things to work with, and that I really hoped I hadn't purchased anything valuable because none of the pieces last very long in my house. (Like, for instance, if this picture above is an actual Van Gogh. That would suck much ass.) The woman said, "Well, while you're looking for junk, look for the good stuff too!" I assured her that I would, then ducked behind a shelf and ran for my life.

In other news, if anyone has a lead on fabric that is printed with either t-bone steaks or a pork/beef/lamb or veal cutting chart, please tell me. I have searched high and low with no luck. No burgers, grills, ketchup or fish platters, please. Just scraight-up meat. Thanks.

Day-Old Art

Here's a few things I haven't posted yet.

My brother-in-law's wife has done a great job of decorating their house. It's done in lots of reds and browns with lots of Spanish influence. I saw this rug on Knitty Gritty one day, and I decided to make it for her:
It's all acrylic, very cushy, and lots of fun to knit up. Apparently one of her purse-dogs peed on it, so I'm not sure what happened to it after that.

Another Knitty Gritty pattern, this time for a pillow with a garter stitch inset panel:

They call it "reverse applique." The technique calls for a panel of stockinette and a smaller panel of garter stitch. You draw your chosen pattern (I picked a women's restroom symbol) onto a piece of tear-away stabilizer. You then attach the stabilizer to the front of the stockinette panel, and place the stockinette panel on top of the garter panel, and sew around the pattern either by using your machine or doing it by hand. I tried my machine.

First of all, two layers of knitting and one of stabilizer are really hard to wedge under the presser foot. Removing the presser foot didn't work, as I then had to hand-feed the fabric. Secondly, the tear-away stabilizer tears while you're sewing it, so it's really tough to keep the whole mess together while you try to work around the pattern. Pinning the stabilizer to the fabric doesn't work, because the pins go right through the damn stabilizer, because guess what? It's designed to tear. Thirdly, my machine kept trying to eat the knitting. Placing another sheet of stabilizer under the whole mess in an attempt to keep the machine from eating the knitting made it even thicker.

I gave up the machine and finished the pattern by hand. Hand-sewing somehow makes the stabilizer tear even more. I would rather have not used the stabilizer at all, but I didn't know how to draw my pattern on without it showing later. Next time (and unfortunately there is going to be a next time - I've already knitted up all the pieces) I will probably draw the pattern onto the back of the garter stitch panel, since it will be hidden later, and just sew around that. The final step is to cut the stockinette panel inside your line of sewing to reveal the garter stitch panel underneath.

In conclusion, either I missed something, or this is a clever idea that does not translate into real life. I tend to believe it's the latter. But I like the pillow, despite how hairy the chick looks. Moving on....

My husband is always hot. (He's good-looking too, but I'm talking about temperature hot.) So when I first started knitting, he begged me to never knit him anything, as he would more than likely spontaneously combust while wearing it. However his feet are ice cold. One day he requested some socks. But these couldn't be just ANY old socks - no, these had to be BAT SOCKS:Side view:Close up:Our house is full of Bat-stuff, so the logo was readily available - I just graphed it out and intarsia-ed it in. That's why it looks kind of pinched. Intarsia in the round probably wasn't the best idea. Don't ask me how I did it, because I can't remember. But he loves them.

I used a basic sock pattern and four colors of Lion Brand Cotton-Ease. I added the ribbing, the stripes and the logo.

Just for kicks, here's the first sock I ever made:

Gauge is important, people.

Mango Moon recycled sari silk yarn is expensive, but it's gorgeous. A girl in my knitting group used hers to knit a cover for a notebook, so I immediately stole her idea:
Thanks Ruth! I garter-stitched a flat panel (which I think actually shows off the beautiful silk better than if I had used stockinette) and E-6000ed it to the front of a free spiral notebook they gave us all at work. I also attached one of those rad little Buddha charms. I then made a little pouch for my nail clippers and ever-present sudafed (shown) to go in my purse.

Okay, last day-old art for today: "Glitter King"Another derby fundraiser oldie. Acrylic and glitter in gel medium, purchased by a friend of mine for his "Bad Art Wall." He will soon be the proud owner of Hasselhoff for two reasons:
1) I feel bad when anyone pays good money for my "art," so I'm giving him two-for-one; and
2) I can't think of a better place for old Hasselhoff than a Bad Art Wall.

Up and Running

It seems I have finally finished getting this blog ready for public consumption. Yay me! I think I've wrestled Flickr, Blogger, and the HTML into submission, but if anything doesn't work please let me know. I've tried to make each link open in a new window because I hate clicking on stuff that replaces my page so I have to hit "back" all the time or force it to open the link in a new window. If you find one that doesn't, please holla.

The good news is that if you click on the photos, you will be treated to a larger version. Huzzah! But then you have to hit the dreaded "back" button, because I have not as yet figured out how to make the photos open in a new window. I don't know if that's possible, but I'll keep working on it.

Anyway, welcome everyone, and I hope you all have a good time.

-- Diana

Various Projects

Sometimes I like to torture my husband. He loves Lord of the Rings, and I always joke about what a gorgeous woman Legolas is. We keep getting PB Teen catalog for some reason. So I combined them both and left this for him one morning on the counter:

Legolas: I cannot waiteth to see what shall happen on the O.C. this day!
Babysitter: Yeah, well enjoy the first half, because your mom said you have to go to bed at 9:30.

Zeppo makes great shrines. I am jealous of her great shrines. So when I finished the chamomile tea that came in this tiny box, I used it to construct a shrine to Satan and Anton LaVey:

Inside I put Bible quotes, Hieronymus Bosch artwork, and a tiny devil that you use to decorate fancy girly drinks. (I have squids, too. Stay tuned.)

I'm actually not sure if it's finished yet. I wanted to put some of my skull beads in there, but I haven't decided yet. I'll let the voices in my head guide me.

One of my only fond school memories is from a music class we had in middle school around Halloween. The teacher spent a whole period on the Saint-Saëns piece "Danse Macabre." She explained the whole piece start to finish, telling us which instrument represented which part of the story, and handed out triangles and xylophones so we could play along at the correct time. She even had skeleton decorations up. I still love "Danse Macabre," so I commemorated the piece with this set of nesting dolls:


"Memento Mori" means "Remember you will die."

I purchased blank nesting dolls from Golden Cockerel, then painted them with acrylics. I have since coated them with spray-varnish, so they are much shinier now. The varnish claims to have "ambering properties" that I think will enhance the dolls over time.

Okay, last item - double point needle wraps:

If you don't knit, then you will have no idea what the hell these are for. Quick recap: When you knit tubes, such as sleeves or hats, you can either use two needles joined together by a cord (called circular needles), or you can use several small (double pointed) needles in this manner:


There are many types of needle wraps to accommodate regular long straight needles, but I haven't ever found one I like to haul around all my double points at once. (And believe me, I need them all.) Some will hold a few needles with a pocket for notions, but I already have a huge notions bag. So I developed this pattern:


(By the way, this is two needle wraps - the brown/blue one is lying on top of the green/pink one. I just realized it looks like a big gross hybrid of both wraps.) Each pocket is labeled with the size needle it will hold, the top flap folds over all the needles, and the whole thing rolls up into a neat little package. I actually made these because someone that saw mine requested some for her store. I hope she's not too horrified by some of my crooked lines.

Purses

I don't care what my husband says - you can't have too many purses.

This is one of the first purses I ever made:

I LOVE Deco-Ribbon. I made a bunch of little purses for friends and relatives out of it, and I decided to use all the leftovers in one big bag.

Other side:

I decided how big of a bag I wanted, then seed-stitched the panels and a handle and sewed it all together. (You can see where I screwed up the seed stitch in the green part.) Deco-Ribbon is very stretchy, however, so when I loaded things into the bag, the handle stretched so much that the bag was down to my knees. I put it away for a while to think about it.

I finally decided to remove about half the length of the handle. I did this by folding a good bit of the handle to the inside of the bag, stitching it down, and sewing a lining into the purse to hide the whole mess:

Oh, I also added one of my "Diana's Originals" labels on the inside. Those are fun.

Still in love with the ribbon yarn. I can't remember what pattern I used for this one, and if I remember, I'll post the info. Michael's had a huge sale on Moda Dea Ticker Tape one day, so I bought a ton of it. I love that stuff.

Behold the amount of stretch this stuff has:

That's a pound skein of Caron mustard yarn - and I don't know why this photo is so purple. But you can really cram stuff in that bag. I used this as my carry-on when we flew to San Diego. It held my wallet, phone, Security-Approved Denise knitting needles, yarn, pattern, snack, reading material, and a water bottle until I was forced to throw it away. The thing just keeps stretching.

Pattern: Stitch'n'Bitch Book (the first one), p. 169 "Chinese Charm Bag"
Yarn: Red one - some great hand-dyed cotton/acrylic I bought in Denver. Blue one - either the cotton I bought off Ebay and hand-dyed, or Patagonia, or Araucania Nature Cotton. I seriously can't remember. But it's great, whatever it is.

Aren't these cute? I bought those little Buddha charms at a scrapbooking store (not that you can tell what they are in this photo), and I've been putting them on everything.

By the way, I machine-sew all the edges and seams in the linings, but I always hand-sew them into the bag. Lots of people claim to machine sew the linings into the bag, but they're obviously not using my sewing machine to do it. My machine HATES that. It chews and growls and eats half the purse before I can wrestle it free.


This purse is knit using sliced up plastic shopping bags as seen on Knitty Gritty. I couldn't get a better shot of it, as it has no ability to hold itself up properly, so this sort of looks like a crime scene photo. I think it's a great purse, and it's fun to identify all the bags - blue printing for Kroger, green for Publix, and that strange yellowish blotch in the middle is a Home Depot bag. I think of this as "stunt knitting," where you knit with something just to see if you can do it.

Moral: Become a knitter and have all the purses you could ever hope for.

Stuffed Stuff

Onward to my adventures in sewing!

Xmas was a cheap-n-crafty one at my house last year, starting with these little fleece monsters:


The pattern is my own design, which is why the little dudes are so misshapen and lumpy.

Some friends of ours have a daughter that absolutely loves "Monsters, Inc.," so I decided to make Mike and Sulley. Sulley is a different color in my mind than in real life:

Oh, well. Also, be cowed by the majesty of my white plastic Xmas tree.

Here's Mike:

[Big thanks to Brother Dan the Man for the name correction. Don't believe everything you read on Google Images.] I did not trust my sewing skills enough to attempt individual teeth, so I colored his and Mike's mouths in with a Sharpie. Not the greatest result but I couldn't really think of a better way to pull it off. If I had sewn individual teeth, they'd be all scary and crooked and raggedy and not really the type of thing a child would want to sleep with. Maybe next time I'll glue them on.

We visited some friends in San Diego and had a little stingray "adventure." So for Xmas I made them a stingray of their very own. In all likelihood their dog has probably eaten it by now:

Awww! He's cute AND menacing.

I made this lumpy-ass pillow for the Tennessee fan on my list:

That's it for the Xmas presents and the sewing. Here's something I knit for myself to cuddle in bed:

That's right, it's my hot boyfriend Rob Zombie! I made him based on the pattern in Knit.1 Spring/Summer 2005 for Robot Keychains. I used various leftover acrylic, and I used Red Heart "Symphony" in Juniper for his hair which turned out awesome. I did not make the sweater - I bought that at Joanne's.

With this next one I don't remember what I was attempting. But when I was finished I decided he looked like a little choad, so I named him "Richard":

And last but not least, here's an oldie but a goodie, whipped up for a Roller Derby fundraiser and also based on the Robot Keychain pattern - it's L'il Danzig!

Isn't he cute? Note the massive biceps and inflated ego. I made the belt buckle and necklace out of silver Fimo, and the tag is a woodblock print I made. I like to hand those out sometimes to deserving folks.

That's it for the stuffed animals. I think I'll do the purses next.

Etching - Beautiful But Deadly

The AntiCraft has a blog about etching that made the whole thing sound really accessible. So I decided to give it a whirl.

I purchased a container of Armour Etch for $17.99 at the Hobby Lobby. Yeah, it's a little pricey, but there's big payoff. (Just for kicks, stop by the etching aisle one day, pick up a bottle, and read the warning label. It's pretty scary.) I also got a package of popsicle sticks and a roll of contact paper. I already have the Sharpie, exacto knife and surgical gloves.

We have a ton of juice glasses that we hardly ever use, and I also have a giant glass mug that I have found absolutely no use for. These became my victims. I Windexed the glasses and attached contact paper to each. (DO spring for the Windex. Generic glass cleaner sucks ass, and I am usually a huge fan of generics, as I am a cheap mofo.) AntiCraft suggested monsters, but I'm more of a skull girl, so I sketched out a boy and girl skull on the juice glasses and a skull with crossbones on the big mug.

I cut out the boy skull first, slathered it with paste (while wearing surgical gloves), and set the kitchen timer for 5 minutes. While the cream ate away the first glass, I cut out the girl on the second one. After five minutes you have to rinse away the paste while trying to not get any on the parts of the glass you don't want to etch. This can be tricky. Then pull off the contact paper, Windex the glasses, and Voila! you have your etching.

By the way, pulling off the contact paper and Windexing are more easily done without the gloves on. In addition, the paste works IMMEDIATELY, and if there is any on your glove and you touch the glass, it will start etching. I go through a lot of disposable gloves during these projects.

Here are my first attempts at etching:

Not bad, but don't look too close.

My grand plan was to etch some beer glasses with Rorschach blots for my friend that is a therapist. I thought it would be fun for her to analyze her drunk friends (me) at parties.

Good old reliable Google Images provided the blots, which I traced onto contact paper and applied to some beer glasses I got at Goodwill. (I didn't want to get some expensive ones and then screw it up - best to go cheap. That's my motto!!) For these blots, I traced the pattern on the contact paper before attaching it to the glass. I didn't with the practice ones.

I did the first four blots in the series. Of course she now wants the other six, so I need to go beerglass shopping:

After that I became an etching fool. One night while watching a sci-fi movie marathon on AMC, I decided to etch the movie posters for "Destination Moon" and "The Blob":

Then Xmas rolled around, and my knitting group drew names. In a bit of twisted karma, the vegetarian (me again) drew the huntress in our group. So I etched a vase that depicts her in her deer stand taking dead aim at Bambi:

View of the forest:

The tree stand:

AntiCraft suggests reusing the etching paste, as it is costly, but I didn't want to try that with these gifts. I have a big project planned in which I will attempt to reuse the paste, and I will report back.

One more thing - try not to breathe in too much of the fumes while you're doing this. I did get a little light-headed after a while. The Sharpie probably didn't help matters.

Crap I Have Made For Gaby

This is what Gaby got for Xmas last year:

It started off as a lovely painting of a Great Dane (I think?) until the little guy started running around with a very materialistic crowd. Suddenly he found himself wearing a grill, a medallion, and bootleg NBA gear, and getting tattooed. He also became the proud owner of a gold-plated Hummer. Bad dog!

Her birthday present was a little more involved. It started with this poster and a dream:


I bought a blank wooden plaque and a clock kit at Hobby Lobby. For some reason there was a box of acrylic epoxy in my garage. I've had it for years and never used it - EnviroTex Lite Pour On High Gloss Finish, 16 oz package. Luckily, all the new-fangled craft shows on DIY and whatever that other home channel is have all been pouring this type of acrylic lately, so I had all the steps pretty much memorized and knew all the tricks.

I decided what part of Tupac I wanted to show on the plaque, and traced around the plaque. I cut him out, then decoupaged him to the wooden board. I sprayed the back of the poster with water first, which one of the craft shows said would keep it from bubbling, but it really didn't. I might not have used enough water. In retrospect I should have used a brayer. But I had purchased two posters and two plaques just in case I screwed it up, so I kept going.

After he dried I trimmed closer to the board with an exacto knife. I decided I wanted the sides of the plaque to be gold, but I know from experience that the gold paint I have is pretty watery and transparent no matter how thickly I put it on. So I first painted the sides with black acrylic paint. This also served to cover up any messy bits of bad trimming.

Trimming Tupac out to look his best left some bits of his name where I didn't want them. I had "AC" and a big squiggle to cover up, so I used a wash of white acrylic paint. The wash didn't work very well - oil is much better for washes - so I ended up really just painting and trying to blur the edges.

After all that business was dry, it was time to mix up the acrylic. Talk about paranoia - this was the serious point of no return. I read the directions about a million times, used a level to make sure Tupac was lying flat on the raised blocks I was using, and mixed up the proper amount of acrylic coating. It pours on really thick, so there was no need to shore up the sides with tape or anything. I smeared it around to make sure it coated the whole plaque. Then it was time to monitor for drips. It did pretty well, but there was one area of the plaque that would not stop dripping, despite the fact that I babysat it for an hour and half. Ultimately I was forced to go on with my life and just let it do its thing. It had to cure for 72 hours.

On Sunday I wrangled the husband into the garage to get ready to drill the hole for my clock kit. First of all the clock kit I purchased had a stem that was too short to make it all the way through the clock and the acrylic coating, so I had to go to Joanne's. (I would have gone to Hobby Lobby, but they're home with their "families and their God" on Sundays.) I returned with the correct size, and we began planning for the hole.

I was absolutely terrified that the acrylic would shatter, so I didn't make it very easy for my husband to do his job. I put some tape over Tupac's eyes so he didn't have to watch, and I went inside the house to sob and rock back and forth in the corner. A few seconds later my husband called out, "It's done." I ran out madly to check the hole, and it was perfect. He also put a hanger on the back and sanded off the few drips I didn't catch. Thanks, Honey.

The clock stem was a very close fit and almost too short again, so I glued the base to the back with E6000, and I cannot say enough good things about E6000. I attached the hands, put the battery in, set the time, and here he is:


I think he turned out pretty damned good.

Here's the back:

I gave Gaby the extra poster to do with as she wishes. I have not decided what to do with the extra plaque, but I do believe another clock is in order. I have just enough acrylic coating to do another plaque that size, and I love the result.

My goal is to fill Gaby's entire house with shit that I made for her, so her house becomes a living shrine to our love.

Up next: Etching

Etcetera

Here's some of the stuff I left out of the last post due to technical difficulties.

Jordan's cardigan:

Pattern: Lion Brand free pattern for Unisex Drop-sleeve Cardigan that I cannot find on their website now. Whatever.
Yarn: Caron Pound of Love, and also apparently some Red Heart that you can totally see on the sleeves. I assume that's what happened, as it only shows up in the photograph. Nobody tell Jordan about that.

Here's the back:

Please ignore the dumbass at the bottom.

The skull is from a free pattern I found here. I duplicate stitched it onto the sweater and added the bones because Jordan fancies himself a pirate.

Now for some paintings. As promised, I shot before pictures this time. Here they are:

The first one obviously needed Jesus in it:

The husband pointed out that this is Jesus as portrayed by Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds." Here's a closeup of his mythical bretheren Nessie and Bigfoot:


This one is 13 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I've been asked to provide those numbers elsewhere, so there you have it.

The second painting cried out for yetis:

Here's a closeup:

This one is 19 1/2 x 23 1/2 with frame. I think the yetis turned out pretty cute, but I started wondering if maybe I should have made one giant yeti instead.

Next up: Crap I Have Made For Gaby.

Decoupage Kit Box

When we first started the Atlanta Rollergirls, everyone was shopping like crazy. Someone got the idea to order these old-style skate boxes to carry our stuff around in. When we had all our necessary equipment, such as pads and helmets, the boxes were not big enough to hold any of it, so only a few girls continued using them. I was not one of them. But I liked the box so I hung on to it.

One day I decided I was sick of keeping my decoupage crap in a million different places. I noticed the skate box gathering dust in the guest room and started making plans to use it to build a kit to haul my decoupage stuff around in.

Of course I did not take a photo of the box before I started. I swear that I will do that from now on. Just picture this box in all black with the patterned gray interior that you can still see under the ephemera.

Behold:

Spongebob is going for the touchdown and Elvis is unable to stop him! The background is some awesome wrapping paper we got on a gift from some friends, and I kept every scrap.

Here's the bottom:

Does that poodle remind anyone else of Kimora Lee Simmons? The center piece is a lenticular print of a monkey busting ass while he tries to rollerskate. Monkeys are instant comedy.

The husband thought these dials would look James Bond-y on the top:

All I know is I'm not trying to get that shit through airport security. I added duct tape to the handle because there's a seam in the plastic that makes it painful to carry.

One side:

Other side:

Bottom side:

Beastie beastie beastie beastie boys gettin' live on the spot....

Okay, let's open her up:

Ball fringe - Check. Cupie Doll - Check. Rammstein sticker - Check. Football card with super-hot quarterback boyfriend Mark Brunell's stats - Check. And gentlemen prefer Mod Podge.

I've glued elastic in to hold my sponge brushes and scissors, which are very important. At least as important as Dr. Dre.

FYI - Mary is in there because there's no law against athiests enjoying iconography.

Here's the bottom with the stuff out of it:

And another view:

And here's my EIGHT DOLLAR ACCORDIAN FILE, thank you very much Staples, that I used to finally organize my photos:

My organizational system is highly complex, but I'll attempt to explain it. I have small b/w, medium b/w, and large b/w. Then I have small color, medium color, and large color. Very tricky. Oh, I also have a section for stickers and etc. I hope that didn't blow your mind.

Paintings

Sometimes I get a wild hair up my ass and I decide to paint a canvas. Here's the typical result:
Yeah, that's a pretty bad black panther. But we haven't insulted any celebrities yet...
Ahhh... that's better! My apologies to Mr. Hasselhoff. And it's a good thing for Elvis Presley that my photo of "Glitter King" won't load for some reason.

Here's one I actually like:

Just a nice little planetscape that's not offending anyone. These three are 16x20.

I recently have begun purchasing original artwork at thrift stores and adding stuff to it. Again, I did not take before photos of the following, but I will from now on.

The first one was a nice little painting of a shrimp boat, or something, until one day it was descended upon by a hoard of UFOs:

Here's a brighter photo of it, except there's a horrible glare:

This is more true to the actual colors in the painting. I just add my name under the original artist's name, and there you have it - a collaboration! I didn't add the rope. It came that way. Nice.

The next one was a sweet, serene landscape...

...until I added the skulls and bones piled up on the sand:

And the left side:

This one and the shrimp boat went to Zeppo and her husband for Xmas. I made one other, and I think that will be in a blog entitled "Crap I Have Made For Gaby." It would be included here, but apparently those photos didn't make it onto Flickr either. Stupid Mac.

Sweaters

Boy, have I made a lot of sweaters! I didn't realize it until I started photographing them. I should mention that I'm allergic to wool, which is why acrylic is my jam.

Let's start with the Ugliest Sweater Ever:
Pattern: Interweave Knits Spring 2004, p. 92 "Striped Angora Raglan"
Yarn: Various leftover acrylic, including the itchiest gray yarn-that-isn't-wool EVER INVENTED.

I deliberately chose yarn that would not work together in order to concoct the ugliest sweater of all time. Amazingly, you would not believe the amount of compliments I have received on it. HA! I guess there really is no accounting for taste.

The sweater is knit completely in the round, from the bottom up. When you reach the sleeve area, you cast off a few stitches under each armpit, then work the sleeves in the round from the ribbing up. The sleeves are attached at the beginning and end of the cast-off point, and the sweater is worked in the round from that point up, decreasing where the raglan lines appear. Then you sew up the underarms. It's the easiest sweater pattern I've ever used, however you must have the waist measurement perfect before you start because there is no adjusting once you've started.

I went a little bigger with the following two sweaters, skipped the stripes, and embroidered a design on the front:

Supa Fly

Object That Shall Not Be Named

I won't tell you what this is supposed to be because I love to hear the guesses. I thought it was obvious until people started coming up to me and asking, "What the hell is that??" My two favorite guesses are Baked Alaska and "that thing the elephants in the circus stand on." Also, on these two the yarn is most likely Caron "Pound of Love" acrylic because it's totally cheap.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Winter 2003/04, p. 77 "All About Ease"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Celery

I loved the star button so I improvised a massive buttonhole in order to accommodate it. Not a very attractive buttonhole end product, but it works, the sweater's warm, and it's perfect for wearing around the house. I still haven't figured out how to wear that neckline, as you can tell. I love TLC Amore even though it can get a little splitty when you're trying to work with it. It's sturdy and cheap. Did I mention I'm cheap? When you knit as much as I do, you can't be a yarn snob very often.

Pattern: Vogue Knitting Spring/Summer 2004, p. 78 "Jacket Required"
Yarn: TLC Amore, color Raspberry

My first hood and my first zipper. I wear this one all the time, too. Also, it's not as misshapen as these photos would lead you to believe.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring Summer 2004, p. 29, pattern #4 "Striped Crew Neck"
Yarn: random leftover acrylic
Intarsia Skull: stolen from Glarkware girly skull "Death Wears a Cute Bow"

The husband said, "I know you're not bringing 12 balls of yarn on vacation to Denver." I said, "Shut up."

Pattern: generated from software during a "knit-along." Don't ask about the knit-along.
Yarn: I can't remember, I can't find the label, but if I figure it out I'll get back to you. I am sure that it's 100% acrylic. Oh, and I loved working with it. It's really soft.

The pattern-generating software was supposed to design a perfect fit based on your measurements. It didn't. I included this sweater because I used "The Sweater Workshop" by Jacqueline Fee to add pockets, and though I should have made them a bit bigger, I was very pleased with the result. I also used some really nifty German coin buttons that I found at Hobby Lobby. And I really like that green. But the sleeves are too long and the whole thing is generally too big.

Pattern: Family Circle Easy Knitting Spring/Summer 2005, p. 62, pattern #29 "Relaxed Pullover"
Yarn: Lion Cotton Ease (50/50 Acrylic/Cotton), color Bubblegum; leftover green acrylic

I need to be better about taking "before" photos when I alter something, because this sweater had three stages. The pattern was wonky, so the long ballerina sleeves were inches too long and belled out in a ridiculous fashion, and I hated the wide neckline. I decided to shorten the sleeves to 3/4 length and add ribbing to them and also to the neckline. At that point the sleeves turned into puffy clown sleeves which were quite unflattering, and I hated them. So I ripped them out again and made them shorter. I then decided to duplicate stitch the robot's head from this Old Navy notebook cover:

And there you have it.

The next item is not exactly a sweater, and something I should also have taken a before picture of. It was a regular old Russell Athletic hoodie, but I never liked the way it fit. The sleeves were too tight, the neck was too tight, and I think I bought it because I was cold and it was on the sale rack. (There is a down side to being cheap.)

I recently saw a photo of some fashion model wearing a short-sleeved sweatshirt and was intrigued, so I decided to chop mine up since it couldn't get any worse. I cut the sleeves off, removed the waistband, and used the waistband to make new sleeve cuffs. I also notched out the neck to fit my big mushroom head better. I resewed the bottom of the pocket closed, as the waistband had been holding it together, sewed the sides of the new neckline to keep it from fraying, and painted an octopus on the front with acrylic paint.

Octopus close up:

I turn it inside out when I wash it, and it seems to be holding up okay.

It's alive! ALIVE!

Everybody has a craft blog, right? So why not me? I started blogging about my crafts on the Church of Craft myspace page, but that feels too temporary and unstable. So I'm going to try to transfer that stuff over here.

We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll craft. The Doctor is in.